Journal

So I haven't been here in a while. Busy busy life will do that.  Before I start whining about how I'm currently feeling, I should give Praise, huge praise to God for healing me of my overreactions to food, chemicals, my environment! I received prayer after a week of being horribly afflicted with reactions to chemicals and was healed from those reactions.  I still have allergies, but they are managable.  Praise God!

Having said that I'm really struggling emotionally with not being a mom.  Recent funerals, relationship struggles with friends, and my continual inability to conceive has all culminated in me being emotionally drained this week.  I have cried every day since Tues. night and Weds. was a total basket case. I just am so tired, tired of being a failure at getting my PCOS undercontrol and getting my body to do what it's supposed to do, I've failed at being positive instead of negative, negative gossiping at work, I just can't control my tongue!  I had been at peace briefly with "when it happens it happens" as far as kids, but totally am not in that place now.  I'm totally in grief mode.  We've been trying on and off for 5 years. Tried some stuff, but other things are way too expensive. And I don't want to think about foster/adoption etc. I'm not there yet.  I want my own kids and don't know why it's so easy for others and sooo soo hard for me.  I feel so alone in all of this!

God's good. I know. His plan is best. But it's sooo hard to live that out and be at peace with it.

I really should be in a much better mood...my hubby got a full time job (he's been unemployed for 3 years) and he was able to buy a used car...his died a month ago. So good things happening.

But I have been progressively feeling worse and worse physically.  My chemical sensitivities/allergies are totally out of control! I am reacting all day long to everyone elses colognes, scents, etc....food smells, etc.  It's horrible! There's not usually a room at work that I can tolerate if others are in it.  My migraines are back, my skin burns, my stomach's upset...I couldn't even finish my chicken and noodle soup for lunch because someone sat down with me who's cologne I cannot tolerate.  Ugh! It's a constant bombardment of chemicals around me and it's making me feel like crap!  I'm sooo tired of feeling this way.  It's progressively gotten worse over the last 4 weeks and now my chest is feeling tight if I try to take a deep breath. Only shallow breathing feels good.  I don't know why all of the sudden I'm reacting more than before. I mean, things have been making me sick on and off (mostly on) for the last 4 1/2 years.  I'm just tired of dealing with it!

suck, suck suck! That's how I feel the day's gone so far and it's only 1/2 over and I still have to put up with people and my stupid attitude and consequences to my stupid attitude.  So let's see where to start well I came to work today and work has been full on animostiy lately but I've tried, sometimes not so successfully, to stay positive and not get negative about other staff well that didn't happen today.  I've really been trying hard to stay on this low carb diet because of the fact that it takes away the sx. of PCOS, regulates my cycle and hopefully will allow me to get pregnant and actually carry the kid to term. So my friend at work knows all this but we were making breakfast for the clients and it was a bacon, egg, cheese croissant. I mention that I'll just have the bacon and eggs because there's too many carbs in the croissant. He mentions something about complaining too much about carbs and he knows all about why I am on the low carb diet. So I get a bit pissed off. Then another staff tries to complain to him about another staff member but since I'm in the kitchen she is talking in a real low voice so I can't hear. Since he wasn't understanding everything she said she said well I'll tell you later. So I left so that she could finish the conversation without me hearing. Which just pissed me off more. So then both leave me alone in the kitchen to cook, serve etc. More pissy I get. So then I kinda blew a gasket when my friend mentioned that I got an idea off of him. He's been super picky about things and wanting things his way and his way is the only way type of mindset lately which I've  been ignoring but today not so much. I mentioned something about being surprised his head could even fit through the door.  Funny right??? Well he's mad at me now and not talking with me. I would apologize except 1. I'm really bad at apologizing and 2. I'm really not sorry.  I should be but I've really had it with everyone's mindset around here.

Ugh! So now there's tension and I work really closely with him so it's awkward silence.  Oh well. Let's see what else I can screw up today.  Everyone seems to be getting on my nerves today so if I can seal my mouth shut I might be able to survive without pissing anyone else off.