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thinner 
UPDATED GOALS
start running again
Progress 10%
Encouragements: 1
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not b/p for one day
Progress 100%
Encouragements: 2
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Trying to resist B/P is turning me into a psychopath. Today I was battling the urge to B/P in my mind for hours, listing reasons why I shouldnt, then immediately forgetting them, or rather blocking them out, denying, then listing them again, just going absolutely crazy, back and forth, until I finally gave in, defeated. I really just dont know how to do this resisting thing and not go crazy at the same time. Today was a B/P-ing marathon for me, not the first time, actually it is very much how most of my days have been lately, but tonight I felt exceptionally shitty about it, because the more I try to beat this the more I fail and lose hope. I am so tired of these wars in my mind. I just want my mind to rest. I want to rest. I'm going to bed it's 1a.m.
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Ok, so my day started out pretty well, but in the afternoon everything pretty much went to shit with trying to not b/p. Come on, 1 day? i couldn't do it for one day? God i am weak. I must say today was the first time I actually TRIED to not b/p during the day. I started paying attention to what I was feeling and I seriously could not deal with it. It was the most uncomfortable feeling trying to resist, I didnt know what to do with myself. I dont even know how to describe it. It was like torment by my own mind, i couldnt even concentrate or think straight. I know this is something i must go through and withstand if i want to recover, but SHit! i dont know if i can handle this feeling. I felt like i was being torn in different directions. it sucks, i think i would rather feel some sort of physical pain than this feeling of unrest. i dont know how i am going to do this.
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I know what you mean, the feeling of torment in your own mind is the most awful feeling, it's like you want to crawl out of your own mind and run away from it. The thing you have to get over is the mindset that purging is the better option - in the short term, maybe, but in the long-term, do you really want to stay like this? Your body needs the nutrients that you are getting rid of. If you allow the food to go through it's natural process through the body, you will absorb all the nutrients and the body is such a wonderful creation it gets rid of all the crap for us anyway! Here's a thought - it has been proven (trust me on this one, I saw a whole TV programme on it, with all the science included and it was fascinating) that a calcium-rich diet causes 100% more fat to be excreted from the body i.e. not absorbed. They tested around 100 people and all the ones who took calcium had 100% more fat in their (sorry) poo because the body got rid of it! Maybe take calcium supplements while you're on your road to recovery? For peace of mind. Will help your bones too, which will surely start suffering should you continue to purge. xx
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It does pass if u can make it through feeling crazy! when i have resisted urges when feeling this way i have broke down crying but that is actually healthier than b/p! and then usually wake up the nxtmorning feeling stronger!
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Goal Updated
hi sweetie ,i nknow we havent known each other long ,but i do understand ,as my daughter battles with this on a daily basis aswell.
Have you a counsellor/dr you can talk to?I know their not exactly wonderful ,but maybe they could offer you some help?
Praying so ,and that you feel easier too ,just take one day at a time ,and know im here for you ok?
much love ,and gentle hugs~~~sharon xoxoxoox
Rocky7
Some days are a real struggle arent they and once you get the thought in ur head and are feeling negative or over tired or stressed or alone it just takes hold and it is so hard to resist that urge! Days like this at the moment are becoming few and far btw! I think what is helping me is exercising daily,keeping busy through out the day basically till i go to bed,meeting up with ppl and being with ppl,enjoying my work! think about the things you enjoy doing and do them more!
Soph827
thank you everyone. rocky, i dont have a therapist/counselor at this time, cant really afford one. i tried a free support group (the only one in the area where i live) but it doesnt do much for me. Soph, you are absolutely right about exercise helping. i used to run distance so i remember the feeling. that is the next thing on my list to get back into. my body feels like it has been put through a wringer lately, with all the abuse it has been taking from me, but i do want to start at least somewhere.
thinner
when I was seeing my counselor he told me to do whatever I had to so I wouldn't b/p. things I enjoyed, like reading or going for a walk. try to get yourself away from the food. if it takes 5min. or 30min and 1x or 50x, whatever it takes. every day will get a little easier. if you like to run, do it. By the time you get back home that feeling should be gone.
flutist
I disagree with flutist on just running. I've wanted to exercise so badly lately, but walks are all my body can take. With all of the abuse bulimics' bodies take, running could cause cardiac arrest! Let your body heal first like you were planning.
danceofbliss
"The more I try to beat this the more I fail and lose hope" - this isn't true sweetheart. Trust me on this one. It only seems like a failure because you tried to beat it in the first place. If you weren't trying to beat it, you'd still be doing it. So all that's changed here is that now you are TRYING, instead of being passive. The number of times you do it probably has not changed, therefore your number of "failures" have not increased. In fact, now you're winning, because now you're trying. And the first step to succeeding - is trying.
Have you read any books or self-help programs that can get you back into a routine of regular eating again? One that saved my life is "Overcoming Binge-Eating" by Prof Christopher Fairburn. Have a look on Amazon.
This book saved my life when I was at university and I actually began to eat meals and snacks again. It didn't cure me, but it put me on my road to recovery and the liberation from the cycle was incredible.
As it happens, I am now being treated at his unit here in the UK! Which was a total stroke of coincidence but still leaves me in shock. Anyway, that's a side-track. Basically what I am saying is, until you know the techniques it's near impossible to do this on your own, and I found this book so valuable, so hopefully maybe it could work for you too.
xx
RedSuze
I understand. I send you my compassion.
With all the suggestions we all read, hear, etc. I had to find my solution to get through the strength of the disease. I visualize you finding YOUR solution, whatever it is. Not to joke, but who knows, it may be juggling? Know you are in my prayers.
BubblesDavey