phullphilled's Journal

The weather must be changing. I was not so good this summer at writing in my journal and now this is the second one in a couple of weeks. All of a sudden it seems my summer activity has come to a screeching halt. So I guess I am having more time to just sit around and let the brain flow.

I got to thinking how much has happened in the last year or so. How dramaticly my life has changed first for the worst that anyone could ever even think of happening, then for some very strange and enlightening reason for the best my life has ever been in the most important way.

I guess for such a long time I had no idea what I was suppose to be doing for many years. Just trying to figure out what this thing called "life" is all about. I still do not know, I just feel a lot better in not knowing than what I used to. I can remember many times I wished I would just die and get it over with because I was so lost at the time.

Now since I found out I have a disease of the brain that is not going to get any better, all of a sudden, for what ever reason I feel like I am living for the first time to the point of feeling such peace and comfort in the moment. My minister for years, Fritz, once told me as I was counseling with him that at some point  in time if I could just "be" I would then understand a lot more. Now I understand what he was saying at that time about 20 years ago or so.

I am not in any hurry to be anywhere else except where I am at, at this very moment. I do not have any thoughts at all about what I am missing  or how something should be different. I am not sure if this drastic change I have had has something to do with the Alzheimer's, a spiritual change or a little of both or nothing to do with either one. What difference does it make. NONE, I just am and that is just fine

What huge change I have made have change what I want to do with the rest of whatever quaility of my life I have left. Then from that point it all just started to happen. By stepping up to the plate and doing something with that part of me, from my heart and sould  and follow those urges, it all just seems to be falling together. I only made one call to one person, Barbara Dzikowski (I had to look 3 times to spell her name right) at the Alzheimer's and Dementia Services office and said I wanted to help and then it all just kind of feel together. One thing lead to another, then another etc. It is really so weird to me of having this all happen. I do think that the apathy that a lot of people with dementia and Alzheimer's seem to have has kept me very humbled through all of this.

Just "BE" so simple but yet what does that mean. Beats me but I know what it means for me. Along this going from one thing to the next over the last few months I came to know about Memorial Hospital's program called Memorial BrainWorks. They have all kind of different programs and programs on having a healthy brain. The brain is an organ but most people do not treat it like an organ so it does not get taken care of as other organs we all have, is the easiest way for me to explain it. This program is about having a healthy brain. Since my brain is not as healthy as it used to be, I went to one of there programs called "The Wisdom Circle" It is a monthly get together for anyone that wants to come together and talk about one of the "108 Wisdom Principles" Now I am not about to explain what this is all about but if you are interested you can go on line to http://www.twoworldswisdom.org/pdf/108_WisdomPrinciples.pdf and print a copy of at least look through it.

I have been reading some of them and it really gets my brain really working which is very good for me. The more I work my brain, it is suppose to help slow up the progression of my disease. As I look at it what do I have to loose and everything to gain, some wisdom and also some more enlightment of what "life" may be all about.

The more I am reading and thinking the more I forget, just kidding. Hopefully I am absorbing enough of what it is trying to teach me that my brain does not have to be active for me to learn to live just a little bit better with out thinking.

As I call it learning new habits. Well I am getting a little overwhelmed and I have learned over the last few months when I start feeling this way, no matter what I am doing, I  am much better off just to quit whatever it is that I am doing and just "BE"  God Bless  a lot of Phil and just a little of Flops.