phullphilled's Journal

I just sent an email to a lady I met thru doing my talks. She works for Madison Center and has been a very postive person in helping me help myself in dealing with the AD. I did not realize all this was going to come out when I first started to reply on her email but it did, I guess that is what writing a journal works so well when a person just lets it happen:

Oh I forgot the part about moving into Wood Ridge. I did make the move on 5/12. It was a more difficult adjustment than I thought it would be. The first couple of weeks was kind of a bummer because of the reality of this is where I will be for a very long time. Before I was kind of just out and about looking forward to moving on to the next place - and I guess the emotion of not moving on some where else down the road kind of caught up with me. A couple of weeks after I moved in here I just lost it all and sat here in my apartment and just cried and cried. I did nothing with it except to just live with it, but it was great therapy for me. I did not know I was stuffing some of my emotions back down in to  the dark places of my soul we tend to stuff when we do not want to deal with things we do not know how to deal with at the time they happen, but they are still there and will continue to fester in the dark unknown part of ourselves where we store unfinished business we are not yet equipped to deal with at the time they first happen. I guess "Yogiism" is back and well. Anyway all the feelings I thought I had dealt with over the last couple of years brought me up to date with myself and came flooding out that evening. What is so wonderful about all of this, is that it kind of caught up with myself so I came move on forward to the next part of my journey with more peace and contentment that I thought I was already at when I thought I had handled back when I found out I have Alzheimer's. The way I figure it was God knows there is no way I was really equipped to deal with the harsh reality of having a chronic illness like Alzheimer's all in a short period of time. It takes time to realty absorb some of our life's mini journeys we take as our life has  these major changes that comes about when we least expect them or more importantly were never ever expecting for them to happen. We both know God never ever gives us more than was we can handle. I guess I just learned sometimes what we are dealt are just to huge and large we are not able to handle the enormous impact that they will have on our lives so we are only dealt the beginning of the changes that are so huge in our lives that we have to take a little bit of the pain at a time and slowly adjust over a longer period of time and then when we get stronger in our new journey we are on, some more of the pain and unexpected changes that we had to make in our lives slowly seeps back into our conciseness and we then are able to deal with it a little more and are strong enough to move in, stronger and better than we were ever before, more Faith and Trust and the power to handle the next part of our new journey that we never expected to be on just a short period of time ago. My Mom was such a spiritual woman. I was so Blessed, when I moved back to Indiana from Arizona, to spend some  one on one time with her and really talk about spiritual life and why things happen. She had such a great insight into understanding and accepting life on life's terms, the good and not so good. We all have a lot of our parents in each of us. I am so Blessed to have that GIFT from my Mom. To be able to look at when not so good things happen in my life and given it time to work out over a period of time to be able to look back and understand, accept and have more strength to live with what ever it was that I just lived thru. Most times it take a long period of times to understand why things happened to me and for me to learn, grow, get stronger and most of all to feel the Trust and Faith from the experience to go forward with what I was dealt. This is all very weird to me over the last couple of days. My mind is so strange to me at times. It seems to be so  different than it ever has been. I just read the first part of the Richard Taylor book I just wrote to you about and so much of what he wrote in his forward of his book I have been doing over the last few months. Writing, Writing and Writing some more. It is the only way I can just let my mind run amuck with good and wonderful things. There is no way I could sit and talk with you and put all this into words. This is the part of this disease that is hard to explain, my brain still works with thoughts and what I want to say, it just does not work to where I can put them into spoken words. It takes too much thinking and tiring thoughts and it just gets so over whelming I just give up and walk away from the conversation. But writing gives me the freedom to just let it flow and not have to think of words to say out loud, I can write them but can not say them. When I do a talk to a group I do not think what I am going to say. I think to myself a few days before I am going to do the talk about things I want to say and just go over and over them in my mind. Then I guess God has given me the gift to just stand up and let it all come out in what ever form it comes out with. It is so strange to me but as long as there are people out there that learn a little from what I saw and it helps them to deal with this disease I will keep on doing it until I no longer can make sense to the people I am trying to reach. My life  took a sudden turn, even tho it did take a couple of years to realize it was a sudden turn. Now I am slowly learning to live with what I have and not giving up on feeling like I have a reason to live. Well once again, all this just came flowing out. My initial intent was to just say yes I got moved to Wood Ridge but once again Flops took over and Phil just took a back seat and let it happen. Thank you for being there to be able for this to happen. God Bless.  Flops and Phil