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phullphilled 
4:05pm, March 22, 2009
This entry does not have much humor to it at all, at least not at this moment. It is about about how Flops is dealing with a very beatiful evening at an out door gathering in very nice surroundings. It was a couples shower for Brandon and Christie given by some friends of Brandon's mother at friend's of hers house. It was a wonderful, warm and very nice back yard around their pool. First of all my car was in the shop so I had to have Brandon pick me up at the Farm and hopefully I would be able to last at the shower until it was over. I have not been doing so good out in public where I do not know very many people over the last few months. I do fine around people I know (like Family members) but when I am out in public around large groups of people, I just go about my business as quick as I can and get back to the Farm. Brandon and Christie picked me up and we went to the house for the shower. At first I was doing just fine. Some of the people introduced themselves and some said they remembered me from Angie's wedding (back in the 1900's) and I of course had no idea who they were but just kind, well not sure what I did when they would say that. We then went outside and I made my way over the the cooler's with the drinks in them. I got a diet coke and there was a man that introduced himself as Steve and I told him my name (Phil not Flops :) and we just talked for a little then more men slowly came by to get something to drink and introduced themselves and would have a converstion with Steve and I would just stand and listen which was ok because I did not have to say anything and I could just listen. It is a lot more comfortable to listen to people talk than to have to be in any kind of conversation. After a while, Steve's wife came over the have Steve get her some wine and he introduced her to me after a few minutes left to get her wine. We talked for a little bit and she did not most of the talking and I just listened. She asked me if I was Angie's Dad or something to like that and I said yes I was. We then got to talking about family's and not sure what else we talked about but enjoyed chatting with her. Still do not remember her name. Steve came back with her wine and turned around to talk to some other people so his wife and I just kept on talking about things that I seemed to talk about like psycho stuff, like what makes people do what they do. I asked if she ever read the "Birth Order" book and she said yes she did. I then felt very comfortable in chatting about the book and other things. Angie then came over to me for the first time and asked me how I was doing since I got out of the hospital. I was completely lost in what to say. Flops was having a hay day with my brain, he was in 7th heaven. I have not heard or talked to Angie since my Mom's funeral (late Dec 2008) and she walks up to me and ask me about my stay in the hospital from a couple of weeks ago, acting like we talke every other day or something. This is so weird to me. The apathy in my just does not react one way or other, I just do not know what to say, so I answered her questions the best I could, I felt very ackward standing there in front of this other lady not able to answer the questions my daughter was asking me. All of a sudden she (Angie) just turned around and walked away, then Angie's mother came up to the lady I was talking to and asked if she could freshen her drink and this other lady walked up and stood in front of me with her back to me like I was not even there and started to talk to the lady I was talking to. Angie's Mom then came back with the wine and the three of them just walked away. I thought that was weird and just stood there for a few minutes just feeling very blank in the head and not know what I should do. Then Chris (Brandon's step aunt) came up and talked to me along with her other half and talked to me for a little while. Then it was announced it was time to get the food so a few words were said by Brandon and he and Christie went in to get the food. I just felt so out of place. It is just a weird feeling when in groups of people. I then made my way to the house to get some food and saw Christie's Dad and feel in with him to get something to eat. That was good because I enjoy talking to him so we chatted a little while we got our food, then it was like where do I do to sit. I looked around and not sure what to do so I went back out side and walked by people sitting different places. I did not know what to do then I saw Brandon, Christie at the table with friends of theirs. I say not to far away on a bench of the deck. Chirstie's best friend and Bride's maid came up and sat down. I had a nice chat with her and her husband. Brandon got up and left and so did the Bride's and her husband. So once again I was just sitting there. So I went back and got some more food. Came back to the same place I was at. All these other people were talking to other people enjoying the evening. The longer I sat there the more I just wanted to get back to the farm. I wanted to stay until it was all over because I did not want to have to ask Brandon to get me back to the barn yard. So I sat there a little longer and longer I sat the more uneasy I got to feeling. I finally knew I needed to go over and ask Brandon to take me back. So I went up to him and asked him quitely if he would do that. He said he would and to give him 5 minutes. I felt better right then and sat down on a chair by the pool wishing I could just sit there for a while and enjoy the beatiful evening by the pool but I also felt very umcomfortable in this unknown surroundings. I know no one did any thing at all to cause my discomfort, it is just so weird on how I do not handle certain things anymore like I used to. I just am most comfortable in surroundings that I am used to, even though they are new to me on the farm. I am sitting here right now watching the college baseball world series and typing in my on line journal and very comfortable. This journey I am on is puzzling, dis com bopp u lating, confusing, peaceful, content and at peace all at the same time. All I know right now I am safe and at peace. I also got some great news today, Barbara, the lady at Alzheimer's Services wrote an email to me asking me to take part in a couple of talk's coming up in August and September. That really made my month. I just need to get through this medical thing and get more active in my day to day life. Not sure what that is just hope each day I am given the strength to handle each day and realize I am where I am suppose to be and give will give me the strength to handle this one day at a time. The Couple's Shower was great and confusing but am so happy I could at least be there even tho I seemed to struggle being their because it was for Brandon and Christie and that is what counted the most. I would do it again under the same circumstances if it would mean something good for them. God Bless, Phil & Flops
Comments
Sorry the uneasy feelings take hold at times. This has to be disconcerting, but still great to find comfort in the familiar things I'm sure.
I'm amazed at the details you remember, such great recall. I can't do this from one moment to the next lately!
Always good to read your jounals and know you're still out there enjoying life. So exciting to have two more events coming up in August and September, I'm sure you'll do wonderful.
Peace to you my friend.
Pounder
I, too, have those 'uncomfortable' feelings when I am amongst a group of people -- even family, for that matter.
Sometimes, I just want to be 'here' where I am safe and serene and do not have to try to explain myself -- or chitchat with others about things I may not be interested in.
You made an appearance for the cause, you did good!
SafeNSerene