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cnkc47 
2:10pm, September 17, 2009
Today I feel like I was offered a glimpse of hope for the problem I have been having. I realized that I have no understanding of what appropriate types of intimacy are. I mean I know there is like sexual intimacy and love intimacy, but I confuse that with negative feelings so I don't ever want to be touched by my boyfriend.
And then with my friends, I feel so uncomfortable needing comfort or friendship intimacy because any type of comfort or parenting has been infused with negative sexuality. So I always feel weird and like there is something wrong with me whenever I want a hug from a friend. I can't even ask. I always felt like that meant something more, but I knew that wasn't it.
NOW I realize that it is NOT bad to tell my boyfriend that I need to not do anything at all. I my counselor helped me see that is is a fixable problem, even though it will take a lot of work. Also, I see that it is okay to want comfort from a friend. It is okay to want a hug. It is okay to reparent myself and nuture myself and use my friends as a source as that. As long I do not become dependent on that person and use plently of self-parenting skills.
I feel like I have tons of work ahead and I know that I will have to talk to my boyfriend and friends and constantly let them know where I am at. I have very supportive people in my life, thank God, so I know that will not be hard. I will constantly have to fight these feelings though, and that is the hard part. Sexuality, intimacy, parenting, comfort, and nurturing all mean one thing to me right now - and that is negative sexualized fear. I have to redefine all of these things. Redefining things is never easy. I have been already doing it for four years now. I fear that I will be doing it my whole life.
Comments
This is great that you can rely on your friends. Your friends can and should help you. I've been going through similar kinds of feeling with the touching. What happened to me is that as I focused my anger and attention on my abuser, my mother, it helped me in dealing with others close to me. I give my daughters appropriate hugs.
Now that I've rambled, what I'm trying to say is to focus the negative feelings on your abuser. As you go through therapy, maybe EMDR will help, you will focus on the abuser and be able to have appropriate physical contact with others including your boyfriend.
I know how your feel and understand how the abuse causes confusion and conflict in intimate relationships and friendships. I've been there and hope this helps.
Fugioman
fugioman
I think it is easier to understand the confusion that it causes in my intimite relationship with my boyfriend. It is harder to understand why it affects my friendships. I shouldn't feel weird about hugging my friends or asking one of my friends to just hold me because I am having a panic attack. I shouldn't but I do. I feel like it is wrong. Like asking for that will mean something sexual. My counselor tells me that I have this uncomfortable feeling because just being nurtured and comforted my a mother/sister/friend type just doesn't make sense to me. I just immediately tie it to something negative... Did you experience this?
cnkc47