Journal

Many tears this week and last.  Overwhelmed by the chaos at work and how consuming of time and energy it is.  Working a midnight to noon shift tonight, ugh.  Hard to see how things will get better.  Depressed.  At times despairing and despondent.  On Klonopin now along with Lymycdal. Anxiety, frustration, overwhelmed.

On a positive note, I am going on a 12 Step retreat these next 4 days up near the Smokies.

It's been awhile since I've been able to visit DS.  I got promoted at my job last week and have been on the run ever since.  So it's a joy that I'll have increased income (much needed!) but a worry because it's stressful being in management- more hours, having to stay late because so much more needs done, missing time with my son, long hours away from my dogs.  Money isn't everything and time lost can never be regained.  I don't want to sell my soul nor  let the most important things to me go untended.  Dilemma.  But I am grateful to have a job, especially in these economic times.  It's also good that I'm gaining new experiences and abilities.  Sigh.  Mostly I try to just not think about it.  Meds are continuing to work well for me- as long as I don't dwell on those momentary thoughts of despair.

It's my day off and I feel aimless like I usually do.  I hate it.  I attended a 12 Step mtg this morning that talked about vision.  If you don't have a clear vision of who you are and what you're doing it can lead to depression, anxiety, frustration, irritation, aimlessness, annoyance, and restlessness.  Yep to ALL of them.

The mtg talked about self-knowledge and connecting to a Higher Power through prayer and meditation as a way of figuring out your vision, what Life's vision for you is.  Vision = a clear and specific picture of what you want to do in life, what you want to obtain, create, achieve, or accomplish.  Knowing where you're going.  It's our mission, our dream, our goals as revealed to us by our Higher Power.

I have been without vision for so long, years.  It feels like so many things have obstructed it: discouraging people or situations, being BP, being ADD, having to start life over, etc.  I feel vague and unfocused, I wonder if I have any talent or gift or something I'm good at.

I can't seem to settle down and really stick with anything.  I own a lot of books, many of which are tools to help you discover your purpose and vision.  But I can't seem to stick with them for very long.  50 pages in and my attention is pulled by another book or something on the internet, and then something else and then something else.  Argh!  I'm distracting my own self!

I may have written here before that as a kid I had wanted to be a marine biologist: be outdoors, whale watch, take down data, come up with hypotheses, make discoveries.  I love being outside, I enjoy being investigative and problem solving.

I would love to own a motorcycle and explore out West and the Southwest, just ride and camp out and explore without limitation.  See amazing beauty and meet people and learn what Life really has to offer.

I think it'd be cool to drive a bookmobile in rural outlying areas in the West or Southwest.  I love books and ideas- to ride into town and invite people in to read and talk about these things.

Part of me would enjoy a monastic community, living among others, being spiritually focused, helping others in their spiritual life, reading and studying along with daily chores.

Ok, anyway.  Argh! is all I can say.