101swoop101's Journal

I might be getting back in college this upcomming semester. I know I have to do this. I gotta make my life better, but half of me wants to give up. Sometimes I dont feel ready...for anything...I want to get better, but I just can't seem to let go. I have dreams that when I go to college I start doing good, but eventually am sexually abused by someone. In some dreams Im raped, in some I escape, & some Im just fondeled with, but I cant stop thinking that its going to happen. If Im put in that situation again, I will freeze, I already know that, and that is only going to lessen my chances of getting away...

I broke up with my boyfriend...but I still care for him. Im visiting with him now actually. Im not happy anymore with him though. We had some problems, nothing any regular person couldn't handle, but Im not regular...Im a survivor.

I smile & laugh with him. We actually had a whole day that I enjoyed, but yesterday, I got depressed....a very very small insignificant incident triggered it too. And I feel a bit depressed now. It was triggered by something insignificant as well. I hate how I might be having the time of my life, then something can happen, just enough to make me a little sad or upset & Im depressed. I just hate the way I am. There's too many problems that nobody understands...well atlease nobody that matters most. I hate my life.