101swoop101's Journal

I still find it hard to kiss. Im in love now, & yeah I might smooch my boyfriend every now and then up out the blue, but toung kissing still feels uncomfortable to me...unless I'm "in the mood", If you kno what I mean.

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I was so stupid for trusting him. It's just that, I wasn't used to guys showing so much interest in me. He like me, it was very clear, & after talking all night with him, I started crushing on him too. But then he showed a side of himself that I never knew he had, but I brushed it and made up an excuse for him. He touched me, put a hicky on my neck, & did A LOT of stuff my body wasn't used to. I still was able to fight all the new emotions & harmones & stuff I felt, esp since my mother hadn't gone to bed yet, & my niece was right outside the door with his friend. I thought he was gone rape me that night. He even pulled out his thing, & was rubbing it on me & stuff. Then eventually, he kissed me. He stuck his tounge in my mouth & I didn't want to kiss him. After a couple of seconds I managed to get away, & he pined me down & said, "I'll let you up if you kiss me." So I tried, but I felt comprimised.

I forgave him, & still considered talking to him, but after my friend did what she did with him, I got mad & told him I aint want anything to do with him. Then ofcourse with my extreamly forgiving nature, a week or so later, we were friends again.

I had got used to him touching on me & stuff, but I was not ready to have sex with him, & it seemed he was cool with it. I liked him, & it seemed he still liked me, so I thought maybe we would end up together. Then the day came when he wasn't waiting anymore. & during the sex...better yet, during the betrayal, he kissed me. He held my face so I couldn't move & stuck his tounge in my mouth. He smelled like he been smoking, & since he does smoke, his tounge

didn't taste so great. So along with my first time, my first kissed sucked too. People asked me why I aint scream or yell, well along with the fact that the guy that was suppose to be my friend was on top of me forcing me into sex, I was scared, confused, trying to plan to get out, I was in his house downstairs...he would kiss me when I started to get loud. I...am still confused about that night, but it's over. He's gone.

& you know he had the nerve, when he was finished, to say "see, that aint even hurt...all that cryin" then when he was wiping off & he saw some blood & said, "you was bleeding?" & I thought, well I was a virgin, but managed to say " yeah, a little" & he said, " I better not catch nothin." There was another time, I told him why I aint want to have sex, because of my religion, & after he tricked me, he raped me again & when he finished he smiled & said " did I violate your religion?" He was so evil. He even raised his hand to me once, but he didn't hit me. He carried a gun on him, & you know one time, Im not sure if it was the first time or not, but he put his arm across my neck to hold me down so he could stick it in.

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I dont know why I trusted him. Sometimes I feel like I let him rape me. While he was in me, I had a window opportunity, but I chickened out. I was gonna chocke him, but if I did, he might have hit me. But atlease I woulda put up more of a fight, & who knows exactly what the outcome would have been? Then I was even too scared to call on Jesus. It was at the tip of my tounge, but I couldn't even whisper it. I couldn't even say please. I was beggin him to stop in my head, but it wouldn't come out my mouth, All I could say was, stop, no, don't, I said get off me a few times...

I used to feel like that was all I was worth. Honestly, I got to the point where if he said to come outside, I did. I knew when he was gone try to make a pass for me, & sometimes I would even try to fight him off a little, but usually I would, push him away, he'll press harder against me, & I would say stop & stuff a little, but I would give up. Yeah I might try to push him every now & then, but that's it. He was stronger than me, & I lost faith in myself. If he walked in the room right now & tried me, I might would fight a little, but honestly, I dont think I could beat him, & he would rape me again.

Sometimes...honestly...I feel like that is all Im worth, & feel stupid for trying to be more. It's been 2 years, and it still effects me.