Journal

Am I really ready to once again try to live my life to the fullest....

The last time, I didn't even try my hardest and I became so stressed, depressed, and tired that I started getting sick & that is what pushed me through the door of seemingly never ending crash....

If I can get back in school, and further my education, working on my music and other arts, then I will be so happy & will try my absolute hardest...but what if I'm not as strong as I hope I am...? What if I get there and it's too much for me...what then................I don't need another rock bottom......I wont allow myself to see another rock bottom, I can't! I'm so tired of them!!!! I need clouds.......I'm ready to fly.......ready to face my biggest fear...falling.................... I have to make this leap of faith, and wether I saor or plumit will be out of my hands....sounds much too ominous for me, but I have to do it...I have to try.......I will try, & will do my best. I have NOTHING to lose.

I gues I am ready to live my life to the fullest.... 

****Go on and jump! You can't fall too far if your feet's already on the ground****

                                                                                    -Jamia Joy Johnson-

When I get back in school, I'm going to counseling. It's free. Plus I do need it...but Im nervous. sometimes I feel like people look through me, & not at me...& when I talk about my problems, it makes me wanna hide. Sometimes I feel like running away from them...I feel ashamed, embarressed, completely exposed...and I find it hard to talk....it feels like everything in me is holdin me back....sometimes i feel choked & as much as i wanna speak, i jus cant...i dnt kno wut the counselor will say if i act like that...maybe she'll feel like im wastin her time....if its even a she....im so nervous.....but i gues ill deal wit it when it happens....but i have to get in school first.

It doesn't make sense how much I have struggled to get back in school. Everything started off great when I left high school for college, but after I started getting sick (mostly from depression and stress), I failed. Ok, the next school year, I was able to get an academic apeal, but I didn't have the money. I ended up transfering, but my heart was still at my first school and my old field of study (music), so I transfered back.....I got the application and all accepted months ago. Now all I need, once again, is financial aid. I had to fill out a financial aid appeal, but I still dont know how much money I'm getting. It's Nov. now, & I'm suppose to be returning in Jan.

The most upsetting part is that at the other school, I kept my grades up (well above a 3.0), but since it was an art school none of my credits will transfer over...and neither did my GPA. My first school, I had so many issues & only passed like 2 or 3 classes that entire school year...but I dont think anyone understands how hard it was for me. I was dealing on my own...I was raped months before I started...(the last time he got me was that Jan-07, first sept-06, and I started school in Aug-07)...Im trying so hard to take control of my life...but it seems everytime I take one step, Im knocked back 2 more...I want so much to give up...it hurts so much everytime a door is closed in my face...every failure feel like a daggar to my heart, but I cant stop trying...even though I really want to. All I want is to finally have my second chance. Being in school made me so happy...and all I needed was a counselor & I think I would have been fine....I know I woulda been much better, but I wont kno until I'm back in.......but if I dont have enough money, then what do I do........