Journal

We went to a music festival yesterday. It was a wonderful event, the weather was perfect warm with a good breeze. During the course of the day, some pictures of me were taken without my knowledge. Before I went to bed last night, I checked them out...I wanted to be sick. I have never been this big in my life and finally understand why he doesn't want me to meet anyone else in his life..Who would want to be associated with someone that looks so horrible..It would definitely be a reflection on him..I have been trying very hard to watch what I eat , but doesn't look like I am having much success.

I know tht hard work here is the only thing that is going to get my weight under control, but right this second, I really feel ill.

He doesn't eat during the day while at work, sounds like a good idea to me. Maybe that is the key.... 

well, lets see...My sweetheart and I have not been intimate since January...I came out of the bedroom earlier this week in nothing but the suit that the Good Lord gave me two days in a row, (and just a reminder...this is very difficult for me) because HE would wear nothing if he could and I thought it might spark a flame..well guess not...and to top it off...we went grocery shopping yesterday when he got home from work....and just guess who left the bag with ALL OF THE MEAT in it...IN THE TRUCK OVERNIGHT...has not been a banner week for me.  I cry a lot during the day because he HATES seeing me cry..makes him angry...today, so sad, i can't...not even a tear..

maybe tomorrow will be better... 

I have heard it said that to truly  improve on a problem, one needs to own it...well..I own the fact that I have developed into a food addict..I use food the same way as many others use drugs and alcohol and seem powerless to stop it..I have eaten three times already today and it is not even two o'clock in the afternoon. I know that I don't need that much food, but sometimes the craving to eat is so strong that I almost hyperventilate if I try to put it off.  Food is different though...everyone needs to eat to live...no one needs drugs not prescribed to them , no one needs alcohol...It is difficult for me also because my youngest daughter is an addict...pills and alcohol...her father is an alcoholic so i always attributed part of her problems to that inherited problem....Looks like some of it may have come from my side of the family as well..

I have tried to look at my problem in the same way as I look at hers....I have said to her a thousand times...YOU DON'T NEED TO DO THIS.....If I expect her to stay in the straight and narrow, so I should expect at least that much of myself right? Yes, I know the answer to that question..but I do need to eat...and the strange part is...I do not enjoy junk food...do not eat it.  but wow, I eat too much of the rest...

I am going to come in here everyday that I can and bare my soul to you, my friends and all of the wonderful people at Daily Strength.. I hate whiners, so I guess I had better shape up., but don't we all need to vent at times.....Oprah has put herself out there for the world to see and even she has said..."How many of us have had a Last Supper" before saying I will never do this again... I am not going to say never...going to take it one step at a time...