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  I’m With You

  From Kaitrin December 12, 2008

  Hi--just got your message and so happy to hear from you,I cannot put it into words. I am always amazed by how you put words to your feelings in such a way that I can completely understand, and, very often,it is like you are reading my own mind--just translating similar thoughts and feelings of mine better!( EVERYTHING you said about most often being the "listening side"" of a friendship,too afraid though to speak about yourself--I am that way,as well. That is why it amazes me that with YOU,I actually WANT to talk about mySELF--as well,of course,as listen and to hear about you!! And I too have lost friends sometimes for the very reason that I could NOT talk of yourself-or,when I dared to,a few people found me too strange or sad for too long and no longer wanted my friendship.And that hurts,and makes me want even less to reveal my true,living heart to another... So I think we are both hopeful yet a little anxious,as well,about our own friendship,since it is rare for us both to show ourselves in a friendship. But hope for me here wins out over fear; because you are too rare and special and wise and tender a person to want to hide myself from,in any way.I want you to know me as much as I want to get to know you--and it is SO RARE for me to feel like this!! I cannot put it into words,this bond I feel with you,but it is very strong.I am so blessed in this, in being able to have you as a friend. I have no time to write today(Friday)but Saturday I will.There is so much you wrote I want to respond to!! So much I feel I understand,and I recognize such similarities to you within myself,in the way that you put things--so it is exciting to read every sentence,bc of this. And,PLEASE try to not feel uncomfortable that because you are not writing in your native language, I cannot understand you. You are MORE than good at expressing your feelings, your thoughts,better than most Americans are in their first language!! You are not only quite clear,you are often quite moving as well. Also, I worked as an ESL(English as a Second Language) tutor for 7 years, so I am used to people who do not have English grammar perfect yet,and you have a real command of our language--how to communicate things,thoughts,feelings,everything!--and that is the most important part.In other words,I just about always understand you. If ever I don't, I will tell you so,of course,but so far it has been just one thought you wrote of I do not understand as much as I would like to.(And I will ask you tomorrow about that one thought,just check to see if I am understanding it right.)I have so much respect for you and just about all people who leave their native country and learn a whole new language and make new lives for themselves in a new and strange land. I do not believe I could do it,myself--I don't have that kind of courage.(Courage born of desperation,is courage too--one of the purer and more difficult kinds of bravery.To stay hopeful enough to survive,and to try to change, when so much has been so hard already--it amazes me.You do.)But most important,maybe,about the language,is that though I find your writing not only clear and insightful but even moving, it may frustrate you?I know from my ESL students that writing in English--especially personal writing-- is frustrating when they think of how much easier it would be to express themselves in their own language. I can imagine and understand your feeling this way,too,but please NEVER WORRY that I cannot understand your letters: I understand them better than I have ever understood the writing of any other online friend--your letters go right from eyes to my heart.And that is pretty damn remarkable, that you can so much so well in a foreign language!!) Also---my fiance of 6 years is Czech,and--well, I could barely understand a word he said when we first met. He still has no clue about English grammar(never uses "the" or "a",or only in the wrong places!!Like:" At "THE" night,I will put my check in bank." "On "the" Monday, I will go to market." He is still of the funniest and smartest people I have ever met, and I DO UNDERSTAND him now,too! (At least,when he is not talking about something so boring that I tune him out!! But,believe me, when he starts talking about the Czech NHL hockey players in GREAT detail, or the scores of the last 10 games he watched, and WHY Czech beer is the best beer in the entire world, for the 10 thousandth time that day.....well, I believe it is forgivable of me to maintain a little ignorance!! Your husband--how long have you been married?? NO, you do not sound strange to me for reacting/feeling as you do to his behavior with that gift: you sound like,oh,just about every woman in the world who has decency and sanity and kindness in her--and a man behaving indecently selfishly towards her!! But I will write more tomorrow to you, of this and more things-- Take good care of yourself. And thank you from the roof and floor of my heart for the gift of your friendship. (I will write you a message tomorrow,when I can use the computer for longer than a half hour at a time!!And yes,I would really like exchange email addresses with you!I will write mine in my message tomorrow.)

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  Flower

  From Kaitrin December 7, 2008

  Oh sweetie--Thank you SO MUCH for your message!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I am so sorry I have not been in touch with you--I like you so much, ever since I first read your journals I have. You are such a sensitive strong and gentle and compassionate person, and it's as if all the pain you have been through has made you even kinder.That makes you a kind of a miracle to me right there. And we were just beginning to become friends,I was so amazed and delighted to have met you, and I am SO SINCERELY SORRY THAT I LET GO OF YOUR HAND. I never ever would have,ever,if I had been able to hold on to anything at all in the world.Ever. You are so valuable and tender a person,who is already in so much pain of your own, and I just couldn't remain in contact with anyone at all.My illness got so bad,I let go of everything and everyone around me.The most important people,like my ex fiance(my best friend) and my daughter and brother--it hurt to much to see how much my depression was hurting them. I felt at that point that I could do only harm to those I cared for,more harm, I wished so much to die and somehow erase myself altogether first,so that no one would have the pain of remembering me after I died.because my Aunt killed herself and I never healed,in a central way,after that. I had vowed I would never do that,kill myself, if even one personin the world would still remember and care for me. And now I have a daughter, and yet I could not even let her see me for almost 2 months,I was in so m uch pain and,finally, I stopped eating and bathing and openong the blinds,i just could only lie in the dark. That was all there was left of me, and I was in more agony than I have ever en in my life.And I thought it could get no worse,but I was SO WRONG!! I was so ashamed of myself,being so useles a nd so helpless,and causing pain to those still around me,that was the worst part of all!!Seeing pain on their faces that I could not help or comfort, and even worse, it was pain that I CAUSED THEM MYSELF!!!!!!!That was SO TERRIBLE!!!! I was such a monster to myself too then that I felt I belonged in a cage. I was in the hospital for 5 weeks finally,and I got out 2 or 3 weeks ago--I can't remember time yet!!!!!Even then I could do nothing but stare at the T.V.,I thought about you and 1 other person who I cared about on D.S. and I could not even come here,from shame and from not even knowing what to say,and knowing that I could not say anything I wanted and needed to say at all. Even to you,because I did not forget you! I felt I'd found a kind of soul kin in you, someone who I could understand many parts of and who could understand many parts of me too. And I still feel that,of course. I never stopped because of who YOU ARE: you are unforgettable. You are a truly and deeply good person. A person who I t think,though clearly harmed by your own pain, has also never stopped getting well---lots of detours,maybe,on the way to wellness, but you have never lost your way.You have never stopped caring about others who are in pain,reaching to help and to support them.You are so brave too because, despite the fear and mistrust of people you must have,from being hurt so much by them before, you still care about others.And you show that care.And it HURTS to care about other people,sometimes, but you do.(It is harder almost to care,maybe...I have felt that way often.Sometimes I would even rather not care,bc of the pain that it can cause,to trust another person,but it would be so much more painful to lose faith like that,in others.More painful even than to lose them would be to stop trying to find them, good people,and the good sides of other people,that are out there.) And it seems to me you try so hard to find the good in people,despite the risk of caring,and that is so beautiful.You are a very beautiful person. For so long I could not write at all,and I could not even get onto this website, I have been more helpless and depresed than I have been or could even have imagined I would be.That is why it was so hard to write you,and also bc,I don't know,I just felt like for another person struggling with pain of her own,it might be too depresing to hear that someone else who fights it has lost that battle: has gotten so sick that they actualy completely stopped fighting.And iI did not want to say that to you,what had become of my life, I was too afraid and ashamed,too, that I had not written you in so incredibly long a time:I did not even know how to BEGIN to explain what had hapened to cause that.I still asm in the dark,about what will happen to me next,I am still extremely sick,just not strong. I still basically "live" in my bedroom,and I cannot leave my house at all.For 2 months or so before the hospital,I could not even step into my back yard,not one single step past the door. I know you have been through so much hell, I do not want to ad to that,ever.But it is your choice,it is your right to choose-- what and who will be too harmful for your own life,and I feel like I might still be.But I would love so much to be your friend.I want you to know that I never stopped wanting that,it just became so incredibly bad for me that I had no power left to choose to do just about anything at all, and I could not do ANYTHING that I wanted to do.Including being your friend,and explaining why I was away now. I did not think I was ever going to be able to come back at all, not to anyone, ever,it was like I was dying.I have never been close to being this sick before,and I have ben very ill my whole adolescence and adulthood. I did not--do not--know how to explain such a thing, to anyone,but especially,maybe,I do not want to tell such a thing to anyone else who also struggles with depression. It is not an inspiring story,to say the least!! I felt I was too bad a person for you to have as a friend,going away like I did,I took even that choice away from you. And I would like very much to be your friend.I am not sure of much else in my life at all,but I know that I care about you and was so excited about becoming friends with you,and I hope we can be again. I would so love to hear from you,and about you--=to see how you are doing!!!!!!! I have not ben able to feel much, almost nothing for a long time, but whenever I could feel,I thought about you.I miss you,I never stopped missing you either.And I am so sorry that it came down to my not contacting you at all, you do not deserve to be treated that way,ever,by anyone. I truly hope you can come to trust me ever again,and yet I know it may well not be possible,and I understand that completely,as well. I hope at least a tiny bit of this makes sense!I hope you can am still very unsure about my capacities,even my day to day future, how I am going to get back to any kind of a life,but I do know this:I would be very lucky to know you in this life,to be your friend! You are someone I cannot stop caring about and so always will care about--no matter what else. I just need you to know you are a person who is beyond valuable, you are priceless, you are a gem of a person,and I hope someday soon YOU TOO know and feel why this is true!!!!You are a gem,and I am so sorry to have treated a gem,a treasure like you, as I did. I care so much about you for one simple reason:YOU. You are what will make anyone lucky to know you!!!! Please take good care,and please write to tell me how you are if you can!But also please know I do understand,really well, why you might choose not to!!!! And,more than anything,(I know I I am telling you this so terribly late!and I am so sorry, you deserve so much more,and so much better than how I was !!!!!)there is this: THANK YOU for having been my friend!!!!!!!!! You are not someone I can ever forget!!!!!!!! With love and my best wishes and hopes for you in the whole world,Caitrin

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  Hug

  From reddutchgirl December 2, 2008

  I hope that you had a good Thanksgiving and that things are looking up for you. This is a very stressful time of year and I hope that you have a good way to alleviate some of that stress. I thought that I had the stress and blues kicked, but today I'm feeling a little teary eyed. I'm trying not to worry about money or anything, but when the bills keep stacking up it gets harder and harder.

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  Hug

  From reddutchgirl November 2, 2008

  I hope that you get to feeling better and are able to have a nice peaceful Sunday.

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  Hug

  From LittleChildLost August 8, 2008

  Come & Join Our Safe Haven http://dailystrength.org/groups/su...

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