Challice's Journal

  Well, I would like to write about my past.  My counselor suggested that I write a bio on my past.  Well I had to start this at age 5 then the next group was elementary, high school, marriage, and so on.  In doing so I thought that I needed to write a "brief" history of myself here for those that may want to know a little bit about me.  As a child the earliest I remember was age 5 when I would wait for my sister to come home from school.  The next thing was getting a good beating for writtingcarving my initals in my Grandmothers stair banester she had just gotten refinished. I told my moter/Grandmother I didn't do it.  Well I got beat anyway because they didn't believe me.  Who else would  have carved their initals!! Several (adult) years later I found out my sister had done it when she finaly broke down and told me.  But I was a child and to stupid to realize or to tell them I didn't even "know" my initals or my ABC's that well at <5 years old. Next memory would be elementary school.  In first grade  I was learning to read and do the alphabit I had to go to the bathroom "bad" you know #2.  The first grade teacher told me I could go to the girls room.  NOT knowing which was which I ended up in the boys room.  Well a toilet was a toilet not knowing I was in the wrong room.  I'm sitting there doing my business and a Male teacher came in!!!! Well shit hit the fan!!!He raised hell with me while I was sitting on the toilet and making me feel REAL stupid. He MADE me get up (before I was done) and go back to class.  I was escorted to the class by my arm and I was told on (in front of the entire class) what I had done.  They ALL laughed at me.  They thought it was funny.  NOT me I was totaly humilated.  On top of that I still had to go to the bathroom.  So I ended up doing my pants.  So I was again yelled at by my grandmother and mother when I got home with the mess in my pants.  They didn't understand when I told them I "had" gone to the bathroom but it was the wrong one.  They wanted to know why I didn't go to the girls room.  When I told them I was scared to go back out there and not knowing where the girls room was, they told me how stupid I was and it Better not happen again.  I apprently found the girls room at some point. Next memory was when i was around 7 when my father would call and talk to my sister.  He would talk to her for a long time.  As a child I would be excited to hear he was on the phone and couldn't wait MY turn to talk to him.  When I was given the phone all he would say is Hi.  No other words came out of his voice.  Why wouldn't he talk to me.  This continued throughout my life.  He woould send my sister gifts, not me.  Talk to her, not me.  I would feel sooooo hurt by him, and get angry.  I was told that he just didn't have the time.  He was busy etc.  Every excuse you can think of.  I had been out casted as a child.  I can rememer at about the same age that my sister whom was only a year older then I was was going places and doing things when I was left behind.  Nobody would play with me.  I had no friends in school either.  I would play by myself on the swing or something.  Never asked to join in the "raindeer" games so to speak.  My sister would have birthday parties (I wasn't allowed to attend) since they were HER friends, and I would be able t have MY friends at MY birthday party.  Well I'm 55 going on 56 and haven't had that party yet.My mother wasn't home very much and when she was she slept or drank.  At one point I can remember being lonely, nobody to play with,my grandmother wasn't home (my sister and I lived with my grandparents, and mother did too when she was around) and my mother was there by herself.  She was upstairs in the bedroom.  I went up to talk to her and found her lying on the bed.  I crawled up on the bed an lay my head on a pillow next to her and feel asleep.  I was content to just be next to her.  When she woke up (she was drunk) she physically kicked me off the bed and told me to get out.  She didn't want me in her bed.  If I was going to go to sleep I could go get in my own bed. All I wanted was her love and company. As I became a young teen 11 or so the physical abuse as well as her verbal abuse became worse.  I was made to go stay with her on weekends on my grandfathers farm where she had moved to.  My sister and I both went but I was treated differently then she was.  This was a panicula farm (3 sides of water) and a old 3 story farm house.  The fields where all in corn, and the water wasn't far from the house 200 yards.  I loved the outdoors there.  I hated being in the house with my mother and sister.  I was constantly tormented by my sister and she was always doing things on purpose to get me in trouble.  I would get the blame for 90% of the things she did and set my ass up for the fall.  Bitch!!!!At this point my mother was very physically abusesive to me.  I was beaten daily.  I didn't have to do anything to get the punishment.  I would get slaped across the face if I said anything. At age 14 my mother grabbed me one evening and threw me into her car.  She told me I was going to go with her to Baltimore to see her friend.  When she got there I was told to stay in the car and not open the door.  Looking out of the car windows I can remember seeing these fancy lights all up and down the street with people coming and going up and down the street.  I was down town Baltimore.  Never having seen these things I was excited watching the people go by the car. (I was a farm girl, never had been to the city before.  Soon after, my mother came out to the car, and grabbed me by the arm and drug me into this row home.  Going thru this house there were alot of "afroamerican" people there and they looked weird.  All dressed in strange clothes (hooker like atire).  She drug me all the way to back side of this house into a room with more people in it.  Picked me up and threw me onto a mans lap asking him "How much will you give me for her???) He had a yellow wig on with a beird and mustache and wore red lipstick and had long red fingernails.  Nothing like this had I ever seen before.  He grabbed me in a place I hadn't been grabbed before and asked me to see some more of what I had to offer.  Well, at this point I realized what was going on, i kicked him in the leg and hauled ass.  I ran threw the house and out the door back to the car.  Got in the car and locked the doors.  I was sooo scared!!!My mother came out to the car shortly after and wanted me to come back in.  No Way was I going back in there after what had just happened and what I had heard.  This pissed her off royaly.  She went back into the house and came back out to the car a short time later. She had been doing drugs for a long time and this was her connections to get it. I guess I was part of one of her deals!!!!! Well I blew that!!!!!! When she got into the car I could tell she was quite MAD at me!!!!!! When I asked her if we are going to go home I received a blow across the face with a coffee cup she had in the car.  It broke my nose.  She continued to beat me with a hard object (club type).  I had a broken nose and it was bleeding badly, busted lip where my tooth had gone threw my lip after a blow in the mouth, my arms were bleeding from her hitting me with something and I was in a great deal of pain.  She pulled away from the house we were parked in front of to only go a few blocks continuing the hitting the whole time.  Stopped the car and drug me out by my hair.  Opened the trunk of the car and made me get in it.  I road the rest of the way home in the trunk of the car.  It was cold outside.  This was a winter night in Maryland.  When we got back home she drug me to the enge of the bank where the water was and threw me in the icy water saying clean yourself up.  When I got out of the icy water I was scared to go in the house.  I went to a shed that we had out back where a few bails of straw were and crawled up on the bails.  I made a nest out of the straw on the ground and stayed there till morning.  I saw her leave in the  morning when I found my way back into the house.  My body was friged and cold and had no feeling in my hands and feet.  my nose was broke and my mouth was badly swollen.  The water had cleaned off some of the blood but my nose was still leaking blood and had been all night.  I remember going up the stairs to the bathroom and looking in the mirror.  I was "fucked up".  I cleaned myself up and got toilet paper stuffed in my nose and taped it up where it was broken after straightening it out, (ouch)!!!! I can really remember that pain I had doing that too!!!! After getting a bath and changing my bloody clothes I went into my bedroom and locked the door.  I curled up in my bed and fell asleep.  When she got home she came up to my room and knocked on the door asking me if I was ok and where was I all night.  I told her I was fine and I slept out in the barn.  She said she was sorry about last night, then wanted to know if I wanted something to eat.  NO  I wasn't hungry. I just wanted her to go away and leave me alone.

Well I'm going to stop this for now and I will continue to write my bio as time goes bye.  Tomorrow most likely.