Journal

It has been some time since I wrote in my journal but I felt I was up to it tonight.  It's 3:00 AM and I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd do some writing.  When I left off in my last entry I had was in the hospital having my first child.  Mother being past out and not calling my husband.  When I was in labor it was very hard.  In those days they gave you a laxitive to help induce labot.  I was scared having a baby at such a young age to start with.  No one to talk to to ask questions and being treated badly by the nurses in the hospital.  I was scared and didn't know what was going on.  The labor pains were for many hours.  My water had broke several hours before I finaly delivered.  I can remember being in a room by myself and seeing a nurse every once in a while who would check me to see how much I had dialated.  Every time I would ask for a drink of water or if I could have something for pain I would get scarcastic answers from the nusrses.  Statements such as "you are too young to be having a baby, but if you were old enough to do what I did to get pregnant I can handle having a baby on my own".  I walked around the room I was in since that is what I was told to do.  I couldn't sit, couldn't lie down, couldn't hardly walk.  Hours of this was wearing me down.  Not counting I had already been up the night before without sleep.  I was so tired.  I would get back in the bed and try to nap for a second or two, then a labor pain would hit.  I was not a screamer at all, I kept all the sounds inside by just gritting my teeth.  I would ask them if my husband or mother were out in the waiting room.  Nobody would even look for me.  I couldn't even call them myself.  They kept me "locked" in the labor room. I just wanted to go to sleep.  I was so so tired.  I could hardly keep my eyes open between pains.  At one point the nurse came in and gave me a shot to help me relax. (finaly). After she gave me this shot I immediately fell asleep.  I would sleep in between pains and was so groggy from the shot I couldn't hold my head up. The next thing I remember was being put on a gurney and wheeled down the hall.  Put into another room (delivery). They kept yelling at me and I kelpt falling asleep. The drug they gave me was really kicking in and everything around me was foggy.  I remeber having my legs put into the stirrups.  And seeing all these people in this room dressed in scubs with masks on.  I couldn't understand them sometimes when they talked.At one point I past out again and would wake up with a severe pain.  They kept telling me not to push.  But that wasn't as easy as it sounds when the baby wanted to come out.  When the doctor came in and examined me (down there) he started yelling at the nurses.  "why wasn't I called sooner" "herwater had broke some time ago and this is a dry birth" "I sould have been called hours ago" "I am going to have to cut the baby out down there since it's to late for a c section" I then past out again.  The next thing I remember is someone putting something over my face.  I woke up swinging since it felt like someone trying to sufficate me.  I decked the nurse and nocked her down.  They then yelled at me and told me it was gas she was trying to give me and to breath it in.  OK Now That I Know whats going on!!!! I then was given gas.  Every once in a while I was told to push.  I past out several times when I was pushing and then she would give me gas and knock me out.  I remember hearing a baby cry, then out again.  I woke up on a stretcher in a room that was quite dark and very quiet.  I was still quite grogy and didn't know where I was.  I put my hand on my belly and there was NO baby anymore.  So I knew I had made it through delivery, but didn't know about my baby.  A nurse came in and I was upset.  I started crying very badly.  She told me to shut up and she was going to take me back to my room.  I still didn't know about my baby.  After a few hours had gone by and I sobbered up some, they came in with my baby!!!!! Finaly I got to know what I had and hold it.  I looked at his tag in the bassenet next to the bed.  It was a boy and he weighed 8 lbs and 12 oz., 20 inches long. I was so happy to have him in my arms. He was so cute.  They let me have him for only a short time then came and toook him back to the nursery.  They told me to rest since I had had such a hard delivery.  I slep for a long while.  When I woke up again in seemed like it was the next day.  About 11:00 my husband showed up. He had seen the baby in the nursery and was quite happy too.  I asked where mother was and was told that he sent her home since she had been asleep in the waiting room.  When she woke up the hospital said she was acting ignorant to every one and asked her to leave.  At one point somewhere along the way home she stopped and had someone else call my husband to notify him I was in the hospital. After having a much clearer head I asked what day it was. Two days had past since I got there.  The doctor came in on my third day there.  He said it was a hard delivery and he had to cut 4 layers and stitch me up since I had riped badly.  I wasnt to go up any stairs or do any walking for several days.  After four days in the hospital I was allowed to go home as long as I followed the doctors orders.  I was SO SORE there it hurt to take two steps. I krept like a old lady would.  It was very painful.  My mother had to come pick me up since my husband went back to school.  WOW, just what I needed, Mother again.  They wheeled me out to her van and I could'nt hardly lift my leg to get in it.  Once I finaly made my way up to the seat I was in tears. I sat carefully in the seat then they handed me my baby.  When we got home to mothers, she got out of the van and left me sitting in it.  Didn't even try to help me.  I couldn't get out and hold the baby too.  I honked the horn on the van until she came back out.  I told her I needed help.  I finaly got her to hold the baby as i made my way out of the van and into the house, SLOWLY!!!! When I got inside I was in tears. I sat down on the couch and cried.  Mother asked what was wrong with me.,  SHE never had any problems giving birth, it should have been a piece of cake.  I then told her about the riping and layers of stiches I had. She laughed and laid down on the couch and went to sleep.  She was no help with the baby when he neded to be fed at 3:00 in the morning and I had to get up and walk.  It killed me.  I tore several stiches out in the process. 

Well, enough about my child birth.  I'm getting tired myself right nowm, so I'm going to go try to get some sleep.  I'll continue today later on.

As an animal lover that I am, (zolology/botany degrees) There was a cold winter on the farm when the bay was frozen completely over.  Ships couldn't even get through.  My mother and sister had a dog (Chesapeake Bay Retreiver) his name was Turk, shor for the name of our old farm Turkey Point.  I had asked mother where Turk was ans if he had been fed.  It was bitter cold outside and I felt he should have a warm place.  Mother said to leave the damn dog outside he'll be fine.  She was to feed him as I was told.  I felt sorry form him outside since he would go under the house to stay warm.  The next morning he had frozen to death under the house.  I was Pisst off at mother royaly.  If you want to get to me just hurt an animal.  You got war.  I got so mad at her I began yelling at her blaming her of not taking care of the dog like she did everything else.  What I remember following that was a knock down drag out fight.  I was starting to stand up for my self in some ways. This action of hers was not tolerable for me, No animal deserved that.  I couldn't even dig a hole to bury him in since the grounds were so frozen.  What I dod remember about this incident was the punches "I" got in.  I was proud of myself.  She had pulled handfulls of my hair out, busted my lip wide open, cut me up pretty good from flinging me around in the kitchen.  It was a draw!!!! I hadn't fought like that before, I would usualy get beaten and not fight back.  I guess she had hit a nerve.  From that point on I guess she figured out I wasn't going to take her shit any more.  She was much more cautious of me after that.  Inside I was scared to death to go to sleep. I didn't know if she would come in with a knife or something.  About this same time I was also just fiinding out I was pregnant.  She knew it too. But that didn't matter during the fight and fortuneatly I didn't lose the baby.  When I told my Grandparents I was pregnant shit hit the fan.  I was trash, a whore a slut and anything else you can think of.  I remember my Grandfather and Grandmother telling me I was NOT welcome in their house and for them Not to expect to raise any more children.  They were stuck with the ones mother had and had enough.  They asked if the boy was going to marry me.  Not being in love as I should have been I got married anyway.

Part 3

I was 16 and pregant living with mother.  The day after I got married my husband went off to college.  That was his priority.  I stayed with mother during my pregnacy and I was excited.  Looking for guidence on raising a child I of couse would look towards her.  Why not she had 5 children, she ought to know.  I saw my husband one night a week.  He came home after spending time with "his mother and father" to me.  It was always late at night when he would arrive on a Sat. night then get up and leave the next morning.  Mother kept telling me I didn't need to go to a hospital to deliver she would do it.  NOTA!!!!!! NO NO NO!!!! I wouldn't have any part of that.  I made her take me to the doctors for my check ups.  As it came time to deliver the baby I was so afraid she wouldn't take me to the hospital.  The hospital was 35 miles away.

One morning I awoke to a wet bed, when I stood up water just ran out.  OK, I know what this means!!!!!  Mother was passed out on the couch as fucked up as you could get.  I couldn't harly get her awake.  When I did wake her I told her my water had broke, IT's TIME!!!!!! No she said, your not in any pain yet.  OK, is that next???? As she fell back asleep.  I waited and waited for at least two or three hours.  Now the contractions and pain is coming.  The pain was getting bad.  I woke her up again, and again finaly getting her up with some insistance. She told me it just wasn't time yet.  My pain was at a point I couldn't sit still.  I got into her car and drove to the nearest neighbors (4 miles away) that had a phone since we didn't.  I called my dodctor who also wasn't around.  I spoke with a nurse and she told me to come on to the hospital.  Well, when I went back and told mother she drug her feet forever.  I could see now what she was doing. NO she isn't going to deliver this baby!!!!!! I went out and got in the car and told her I was going to the hospital.  She came out of the house and got into the car. I drove to the hospital.  When I got there after having been inlabor now since early that morning it's now 2:00 AM the next morning.  They examined me and told me to go back home since I hadn't dialated. OH NO, you can't keep me?????? Please keep me.  They said not until I was more dialated.  Well, mother had this "I TOLD YOU SO" look when they told her.  So, home again I went.  Mother drove me this time.  I was hurting bad!!!!! On our way home she stopped in out her "friends/dealer's house), while I sat in the car.  The next thing I saw was her and him out in the front yard "Doing IT"  You know fucking in broad daylight.  Right on the lawn.  It's now about 7:00 AM as "MY"  old school bus drove by.The one I had road to school with All the people I knew on it.  Here I sit in the car in labor.  By the time we got home besides being quite upset (BAD)., but in severe labor now I had her turn around and drive me back to the hospital.  They WERE going to keep me or I'd have the baby in the parking lot before I would let her touch me.  By now she had copped some drugs and was again all f--ked up!!!! Along with a gallon of vodka she had picked up.  Yes a gallon. My labor pains wer getting closer and closer an harder and harder.She was so messed up all I had to do was push her out of the drivers seat into the passenger seat.  I got in and drove back to the hospital.  When I got there I just left her in the car and walked in the hospital.  This time they kept me.  After I got in they drugged me pretty good.  The labor lasted at least another 12 hours.  I also had a "dry" birth since there had been so much time since my water had broke.  Now 17 and scared to death.  I told the nurses I had left mother in the car and she needed to call my husband.  They said they had told her. My son was born around 8:20 AM. 8 lb and 7 oz, 21 inches long. Perfect BOY.  After I had come to from the gas and drugs they game me I asked where my husband was.  Nobody had called him.  It was late that night before he got there.  When he came in the room he said "I see your mother's here" "she's passed out in the waiting room floor."  Well I'll continue this later, my back is hurting me as I sit here and type.  Part 3 cont'd.

I was cut short the other day in my writings so I am now contining this one.  My high school years were one of my down falls.  I began getting wtih the wrong people for the wrong reasons.  Attention.  I had no friends and I had always been a follower not a leader.  Not a good idea.  Mother, again, played a big part in this since I always did what she asked, regardless of what it was.  I trusted her for some Odd reason.  In my head and heart I felt your mother was just that your mother, a guidance, a helper, one to teach their young daughters, a person you "should want to" look up to" but mine was an embarasment.  Mother was really strung out on her drugs and alcohol.  She didn't want to do anything nor did she except drug, drink and sleep.In the 60's during this time, having a Black man for a boy frined just wasn't heard of. Her drug dealer/boy friend was in her life.  I was told to keep quiet about it to my grandparents, and to help her hide it.  She didn't do as well as she thought.  I finaly "told" them since I couldn't stand the state she was in.  I thought I was doing the right thing so she could get help. Wrong.  However, they HAD heard about her behavior and had questioned me about it several times.  At this point both my older sister (the queen) and a younger brother (by 8 years) mother's pride and joy and I were all living with mother since my grandparents were just getting to old to take care of us. I wanted nothing more than to go back and live with them. But this just wasn't ever going to happen again. One day my grandfater had taken my mother to court!!!! I was shocked.  I remember a man in a suit asking me (alone) questions about her outside of a courtroom. What she did, and whom with.  What was her behavior like around us.  Well, I explained what I had seen and what I knew to be the truth about her.This man in the suit questioned each one of us seperately.  My sister (miss priss) lied to him as well as my brother.  They told him she was great, nothing wrong.  I was made out to be a instigator and a lier.  Wrong!!!! At home my sister didn't have to do anything (chors) nor did my brother.  I had them all to do.  This included the cooking, cleaning, laundry, cutting the grass, fixing a water pipe that had broken, painting the house.  We lived on a three story old farm house on a penesula .  385 acres.  My grandfather was a great hunter and the farm was a goose hunting farm in the winter.  Approximately 500 yards from our house was the hunting lodge.  Every weekend and during the season mostly during the week he would have invited "men" down to hunt.  One of my jobs "with" my mother was to get up a 3:00AM and go down to the lodge and cook breakfast for about 13 men.  Once this was done well before daylight I would get in a truck with the decoys and go out into the frozen fields and beat them into the ground around each goose pit, (4 pits), then there were the duck blinds along the shore.  I would have to take a wooden row boat loaded from the night before with duck decoys and place them out into the icy water.  I remember being so cold doing these chors.  When I got that done and went back to the lodge I would have to help make up all the beds.  This was all before school.  Our dirt lane was nearly 2 miles long and the school bus stop was 3 miles from home.  If mother wasn't passed out on the couch she would drive us to the bus, or we would end up walking.  Missed the bus more than once. Then would have to walk back home.  On those days my mother would take my sister to school leaving me home to help her.  My brother was a spoiled brat.  She wouldn't take him and let him stay home and watch TV all day.  While I was out working in the goose pits, picking up the decoys out of the frozen ground and picking ducks and geese by hand. If I didn't do these things I would get beat my mother. The hunters would pay mother for doing the picking.  I never saw any of the money. Of course my grades would be bad since I missed school and never could get caught up.  On the other hand my sister was a straight A student.  There was one day in high school that I went to school and was talked into hooking with some friends.  We got into a car directly off the bus and drove back to mothers since that was a good place to hide/party.  We drank alcohol supplied by mother and played cards with her all day.  She was lots of fun that day.  There wasn't a problem with her and coming to the house to do this since mother just loved it, any time was great with her.  My friends thought she was fantanstic and couldn't believe how great having a mother like her was. Before the end of the school day, we drove back to school and got right on the bus.  The second I sept on the bus, my sister said "your in trouble now".  The first thing the next morming in school, I along with all my friends were called to the princapals office.  BUSTED!!! My mother had called them and told them that we showed up at her house and refused to go to school and were had brought alcohol to her house and were all drunk and loud and she had thrown us out.  I got suspended 3 days. Already in my life by now I was developing the reputation "of my mother". I was just a no good person.  To make it worse, my sister moved to my grandparents and I had to stay with mother.  My sister wouldn't be a "problem" for them but "I" would be.  I became enraged inside, and started to rebel.  I wanted out of the situation so badly.  I began dating a guy in my 11 th grade.  and got pregnant in my senior year.  This was as many youth have done, not the best way out of a bad situation.

My first marriage and the continueing prblem with mother will be in part 3.