cath's Journal

So here I am.  Newly turned 41.  I have begun my long trek to lose the weight I gained with this last pregnancy (baby is 10 months...my body can't lose until my breastfeeding starts to wind down) and I'm tired.  So why I am grieving the fact that I won't be having another baby?

 Devon was sick a few days back and I was up with her at 2AM, sitting in her bathroom and steaming her to help her with her cough.  I was sitting on the toliet, holding my baby in my arms as she slept and breathed in the steam.  She's big, my baby.  And as tired as I was, I felt so blessed to be able to hold my baby in my arms.  At 2AM, my mind wanders, and I think of all those families out there who have desperately sick children fighting for their lives or families who have lost their babies, and at 2AM, sweating in the shower, I feel so very lucky to be able to hold and comfort my baby.  So I hold my baby, feeling her solid (very solid) weight against my body and notice how her legs now dangle at my side and I notice how her torso is quite nicely fitting into my body.  I realize with a start, that the baby I am holding is no longer sporting a "baby" body ... but she's starting to move into a "toddler" body.  My heart quite literally breaks.  I feel a little empty.  

So I turn off the shower and sit in the steamy bathroom for a few more minutes, cradling and kissing my baby.  I put her in her crib and go back to bed.  As I lay down, my husband asks me if the baby is okay. I confess to him that she is fine, but it is me who is hurting.  "I can't believe I won't be having another baby.  Devon is turning into a toddler...." and Matt hoists himself up to sitting, turns to face me and says evenly "Cath.  We are NOT having another baby." 

It's true.  It is also true that even if I have 10 kids, I would still long for that infant.  My name is Cathy, and I am a babyholic.

P.S. My friends better hurry up and get on the ball so I can sate some of this baby fever!