Journal

Matt and I just returned from a 4 day getaway to Cabo....without the kids.  The first time we have left behind all 3 girls to take time just for us.  It was amazing.  We stayed at a beautiful resort, had sunny weather, great food and just lots of time for us.  I didn't have to get anyone dressed, change a diaper, cut someone's food, referee a sibling squabble, drive carpool, pack a lunch, do the laundry, cook dinner, load the dishwasher...you get the picture.

Matt and I woke up when we wanted (I still woke up at 7AM... but it was nice to be able to roll over and go back to sleep), got to work out together, read great books, eat when we wanted, talk without being interrupted, have sex without having to make sure the kids were occupied (and with 3, it's hard to manage that unless they are asleep).... it was lovely.  

In addition to re-connecting with my husband, the nicest part of being away was getting the chance to miss my kids.  I am a stay-at-home mom.... I am with them ALL THE TIME.  I never get a chance to miss them.  And they never get a chance to miss me.  It's nice to get away and not take each other for granted.  I was more than ready to be back with my babies and they were really happy to see me.  When we walked through the door, the 2 older girls (baby asleep) ran into our arms and wouldn't let go.... I think my Parker especially, missed her mommy.  Parker wrapped her arms around me and didn't let go all night.   

Jordan asked Matt last night "Why did you and Mommy have to go away without us?"  and as he was mulling over an answer, I said "mommy and daddy needed special time away so we could be a better mommy and daddy to you."  Happier marriage means happier family.  We're pretty happy right now.   

I dreamt about my mother last night.  I don't remember much except that she was sitting in a wheelchair and she had her Alzheimer's.  Like it was at the end.  But for some reason, she had that blissfully unaware Alzheimer's.  The blank look, empty smile.  Not the agitated, anxious, upset Alzheimer's that my mom had.  I got to hug her.  I buried my head into her chest (like I did as I child) and hugged her tight.  And she hugged me back.  

I woke up completely schizo.... happy that I got to hug my mom again, sad that she had Alzheimer's in the dream. 

I don't know what brought up the dream.... except I have been a bit blue lately that my baby is turning 1 soon (2nd daughter turns 4 in 2 days, but it feels like she's been 4 for a while...so not as 'traumatic') and realizing again and again that my mom never got to hold her.

I was hiking by myself the other day and I started to think about one of the 1st birthday traditions we do for our girls.  We have a jewish naming ceremony (husband is Jewish) and when I thought about the rabbi saying her full name "Devon Helena Leaf" and explaining that her middle name was chosen to honor my mother (Helen)....I burst into tears.  So there I am, hiking up a mountain alone, crying.  Like a crazy person.  

But I got to hug her again last night.  I am going to try to hold on to the good.... and that was good. 

I don't work.  Well, I work, but I don't have a job.  Well, I have a job, but I don't get paid....in money.  I am a stay-at-home mom.

I am also very lucky that I have full time help.  Really lucky.  It's nice to be able to drive the other kids to school and other activities without having to interrupt the baby's nap schedule, etc.  Really nice.

The draw back is that she is now preferring her nanny to me.  (sniff).  When Silvia holds Devon and I put my hands out for my baby, she turns away from me.  I can't tell if she thinks it's a game, or if she's serious.  When Silvia leaves her sight, she cries.  I guess that means she's serious.

At night, she cries for me, and she's been sick these past 3 nights and she is more than happy to have me cuddle her and rock her.  And if she doesn't see Silvia, she loves to be with me.  But if we had a head to head contest.... I'm afraid Silvia would win.  

She's my 3rd, I am spending less time with her than I did with the first two.... and I am sure that has something to do with it.  It still hurts.

I am moderately sane enough to recognize that I am very lucky.  I am very lucky that Silvia loves her so much and takes such a good care of her so that when I leave, Devon is perfectly happy.  I know this in my head.  My heart, however, that's another story.

But I know, this too shall pass.   God help me when Matt and I leave for our 3 night trip without the kids.  As much as I am looking forward to it... I mean REALLY looking forward to it.  I will die a little bit inside if she shuns me.  Seriously.