emmmm14's Journal

things here are so much worse..

i feels tupid ashmamed and embarassed to name a few.im scared.i cant stay wiht him anymore.yet im scared to go..my anxiety is way out of control.i shake literally..i cant function.

i tried to find hope to do things to get away from him distance myself emotionally..

for yrs i'd drive around listne to music,go to the library,come on here for supprt..try to make friends..

nohting helped.i havent made afriend although i have tried..everyone seems closed off..

i tried connecting wiht my old friend she was my best friend since grade school until spohmore yr.

she blew me off..

he is worse then ever anything can start his emotioanl abuse.yet he says he is scared of me..that fly's me righ toff.im the one shaking in life.he plays vidoe game swalks around like his sh*t dont stink yet he says its an act.

no it isnt its real he oculd care less.i let myself belive way to many time sthat he didnt mean it he cares loves me.

i went through a bad spell of anxiety panic atttacks last wek.he was ther to say that he needed to do hi spart to stop that it wasnt right that i can get upset its his job to listen and understnad..i went and futher trie dto understand him..

i tried so many things..i believe he played lip service with maybe a couple days of beign there for me .i will give him tht.he didnt follow through..every time it was an excuse a reason ..no chioce but for me to accept it..or else i thought..i was right.

a day after a poor my heart out to him  months yrs of pent up hurt agony out..he then has to talkt o me liek dirt because he overslpet and i should have this that..

i got upset at him talkign to me liek that.silent treatment.i escalated it.by what gettign upset reminding him wha the said saying how i felt (whether or not i souned upaset)i was i had a rihgt.

no it was not god enough.then he come sback is blaming me then the game the snotty remarks then sorry...then when im not myslef im hurt dont feel close.dont believe it he can tell.so he ignores me more..

more of the crap he says..then 2 days later i blow and go awy he says he is gettgn irratated mad...what about me?ME?

everythignis about him unles he chooses otherwise.its when he wants how he wants on and on.

then why would he feed me all that crap.how could he watch me like that?

the answer so clear is he doesnt love me or care..yet how can someone be so calous to another especially your spouses pain..

the facts are chilling but if you'd ask him i wouls be just crazy i have it wrong no matter what he did showed some how some way i would be..

the only way for me to survive is tto take it to deal..if he wants to ignore me let him for as long as it goe son..

to not question it..when he come sin(im usually holed up in my bedroom) and acts so botherd lets get htis over with deal with that horrible time try to figure it out play or go alognm wiht his word game sthe twits the turns listen to him not say how i feel when he says i am wrong accept it.if it still isnt right deal..

mor eimportantly in the first place dont casue something.althoguh it is gettign harder to know what causes things.it seems everything these days.

i need to go away..i used to find something in him some how.now i cant se anyhting ..i dont even think he is attractive anymore.lately in the honeymoon phase ever week he needs it intimacy.i cringe a this touch..been happeing for awhile..

yet all this anxiety alone..so what do i do...im becoming a agraphobic person too..

i dont feel it is that easy.not htat anyone ever said it is or would be..

yet a kind word someone who is kind to help.to get rid of this huge fears.which is becoming enormous theys day would help..

yet i dont know where to turn..i tried wiht my friend she jsut said get my sh*t together use him till im better jsut go and do it..that simle that straight and i took that even thoguh it hurt and felt callous..the one and only time i had talked to her in 5 yrs..

with that and similar things i feel more isolated..

helppppppppppppppppppppppppp