Journal

awww he is fast asleep..now it is me time..i read on her and read and it makes so much sense.yet i still dont know what to do..

he could care less...i should cre more for me..

i find all this this so hard...

i wish ioculd rach out to my sister and tell her and she would understnad..

she wouldnt...i have tried..i feel more alone than ever. 

goshi havent written on here in sooooooooo long.

not much has changed..i am ashamed to admit i am still w my husband after all he has done and

bnelive me he continues to do so..

i dont post becasue i dotn know wht to say and even if i did im embarassed i havent left yet..

he is all wrogn for me and treats me horribly.yet im here.

why well i dont know..the sorry's drew me back in..even if i didnt believe themmaybe i half did.

then a week or so goes by and well he is backa t it.

i think i finaly lost my spirit.i got and am so depressed..i think i held out for so long casue i was afraid..afraid of the ugly truth..that doenst make it go away,..he doesnt love me nor care about me..

theni was like what where i am gonna go..it all seems so pointless.

somewhere in the midst of this i got so sick..a lot due to the stress..

then i find my sister she could care less..

so it kinda somehow makes me feel like he is right i am useless not worth shit.

i try to take care of myself.yet i just find myself going throught the motions and gettign throught the days.

hoping he will stop.stop putting me down ignoring me..treatign me like i dont matter or exist.being so damm uncaring..

all the abuse tatics..

he is so cruel.

so here i am.he will be home in a couple hours but at least it is not like yesterday where he was here all day..where he ignored my presence got pist if i came in the room..

at least he is not saying that i shouldnt fel think this way.yet even wiht him gone it is still there.

my sister i found on face book,,sh enever mssg'd me back.that bothers me..

i  dont get it ..yet this has been the way it's been wihtm y family for all my life..

i guess ihad my hopes up..way up..i cant do that to myself.we all were dysfunctional

from things that happenned as kids.my parents and all.yet they my siblings all talk now...so i try and get ignored..it jsut doesnt seem fair..

its always been that way..

i dont know why  i jus have to live my life i guess.

still it make sme sad..liek some hope that hings would have changed..