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reneemaldonado 
3:42pm, November 4, 2009
Well, I'm down to the wire, tomorrow 7/23 is my last day of work and I will be officially on maternity leave. Wow, that came fast. Yet seems like time is going so slow. I'm excited to be on leave and getting excited as I get closer to my due date. I'm so happy yet so very terrified. I'm happy yet so sad that I dont have Isabella here with us all anxiously awaiting the arrival of her baby sister. This whole experience is so bitter sweet. At a time when us pregnant women should not be stressing, those of us who have experienced such a tragic loss are stressing more than ever. Its just not fair that we were robbed of something that was once so beautiful is now something that is just so scrary. I'm afraid, nervous, scared..yet hopeful and happy. Feeling all these emotions on top of grief is so exhausting. Never in my life have I felt so unbelieveably exhausted. Will I feel that way for the rest of my life? I miss Isabella with all that I am and would give anything to just hold her once more. I wish I could dream about her or just smell her. I miss her. I miss her and its not fair that I cant have her or that any of us cant have our babies. I am so thankful that I'm getting another chance and I will cherish each and every moment of this experience I have. I will cherish the time I have with all my kids and will be thankful always. There is just a void in my heart and its always going to be there. Anyhow...
I start non-stress testing next monday. I'm looking forward to these extra appointments because its just that much more monitoring on the baby that makes me feel at ease. I have 3 appointments next week so I'm looking forward to it. The only thing is, I have to go back to the same hospital I went to when they told me my Isabella was gone. I'm dreading it since I havent been back since. That is going to be a tough day.
We are tenatively scheduled to deliver on Oct. 5th. via c-section. I'm scared out of my mind. I have never had a c-section or any surgeries what so ever (with the exception of 2 D & C's when I miscarried). Is this painful? What is the recovery like???
Kind of feeling a little down and out..a little insecure I think. Hubby wont touch me or anything. Says he is scared to hurt the baby. I'm like what the heck? Maybe this is to much info for my journal, but I need to get this out. I'm feeling like maybe its me, maybe me being so big and so pregnant makes him not attracted to me :( Makes me feel awful...and gross...whats wrong with me???
Well, better go and grab lunch now. I hope all my DS sisters are doing well. Take are guys.
Isabella, I love you and miss you. I love you more than anything in the whole wide world. Hope your having beautiful days in heaven. Watch over us baby girl. Love you hugs and kisses..xoxoxo. Mommy.
Comments
I know how you feel, I am feeling the same feelings of stress, happiness and scared all at the same time. I just started working a half day and that seems to help, but I am so tired all the time and feel so big:) I just want her out and with me!! My husband is a little afraid too, but not to that point yet. I know your husband probably thinks you look beautiful and just worried about the baby, try and not stress that too! I wish I could help on the C-section front, but I have never had that either. I am going to do things as natural as possible unless something else has to happen. I'm just hoping labor will start on its own, but you never know. I wish the best for you and will be thinking of you. We are so close now. I am due Sept 23 and you are going Oct 5th, we will have our sweet babies so soon. Hang in there! Lots of hugs, Sharon
shandyH
I think everything that you are feeling right now has been felt by every other mom who is in the midst of a pregnancy after a stillbirth. All the joy and gratitude, all the fear and sorrow, excitement for the new baby, desperate longing for the one we couldn't keep... it is a lot and it is no wonder you are exhausted! If you ever need to talk to someone who has walked through it before, and is once again deep in it, please know that I am here. Also, why are they planning a c-section for you? Would it be possible for them to induce you instead? I only ask because I have had a c-section with Ben and am really hoping to avoid it this time around. Having had a both a c-section and a vaginal delivery I can promise you that vaginal is the way to go if you have a choice, so much easier to recover from. That being said, c-sections are nothing to fear. Yes it was a harder recovery, but not the end of the world. And there are some pluses, you don't have to have any pain during delivery, there is very little bleeding at all afterward, and you get your baby out quickly. No matter what ends up happening delivery-wise, as long as that little girl is handed to you all wriggly and warm and noisy- nothing else will matter.
StephaniePaige
Well I am gald to hear that all is going good with you and the baby girl to be. I can't say that I know how you are feeling about being pregnant again after your loss but I am sure they are all feelings that we will all go through or are going through or have gone through. I am sorry that your husband is being distant, I am sure he is feeling the same fears if not more because he isn't being reasured that the baby is fine by feeling her move around like you are able to. I have the fear that my husband might be distant the next time around, he has been told that being "together" (if you know what I am talking about) sorry if it's TMI, can cause the blood flow in me and the baby too be more fast moving and since we don't know if it was blood clotting that caused the infractions on the placenta and caused her to pass away, then I am sure he wont be so willing to get close. Well on another note the c-section is not to bad. I had an emergency c-section and I really felt fine two days after wards and was able to do everything that I did before in two weeks after. Theres a little more pain then vaginal birth but nothing that isn't worth going through as long as you have a beautiful healthy baby in your arms. I too have the same question as Stephanie why c-section? It does take awhile for the c-section scar to heal, It's been four months for me and I still feel some pain were the cut is. I hope that helps alitlle. Take care, if you have any questions please feel free to ask away.
Crushed4ever
Thanks Ladies. I have had natural deliver with both my son and my daugther and have had problems healing with both. Had some damage to my kidneys and bladder as a result of a long 24 hr labor with my son and with my daugther, we dont know if the cord is the actual reason she passed away or if she stressed due to me going into labor. So going into labor and delivering natrually scares me. I would rather have them schedule it and take her out when she is ready to avoid risking any stress to the baby. Also I had placenta previa, Complete placenta previa and it has corrected itself however it is still low lying. My doctor said we can "try" a natrual delivery but to be safe we are going with a c-section. Thanks for your support ladies, it really does help out alot. Hope you are all doing well :)
reneemaldonado
glad to hear you are off work now . i still have another 12 weeeks til my boy will be here . i have all the same feelings and fears as you but putting it in god's hands . we will be blessed. be safe and healthy
jillsmax
I know where you are. I know how bittersweet this all is and how stressful. My husband had similar thought to yours. But in the end things turned out well. I had to have a section with Marin. It was the best thing for us. She can out crying. She is beautiful and wonderful. I know that the extra attention will produce and wonderful outcome and a perfect new life.
SweetgirlMaris