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reneemaldonado 
3:42pm, November 4, 2009
Well its been a while since I've been on here to journal so I thought I would write an update. I had an ultrasound / Doctors appointment on Thursday 6/18. Baby is measuring good and is healthy as can be. She is officially one whole pound. We got some great pictures, profile shots and a cute picture of her little hand that was open and got all the fingers in the shot as well. The great news is, my placenta previa has completely corrected itself. My doctor said that it is rare that a complete placenta previa will correct itself, but it happens and mine has. I asked her if I could still have a c-section and she seemed a bit hesitant but said we would discuss as I got futher along in my pregnancy. I really want a c-section. I dont want to risk the labor stressing the baby out or anything happening. I just want her to schedule it, and take her out when she is ready. I hope I'm not being selfish by wanting this, but I dont want to risk anything at all happening. Last year was a complete and utter nightmare that I feel like I'm still living through each day. Losing Isabella hurt right down to the core, broke my heart and really devestated my family. The thought of it happening again just scares me, I cant even bare the thought. If I can do anything to prevent it from happening again, I will. Sometimes I still struggle with what happened. I wonder if maybe I ate something that day that made her more active than normal and she wrapped herself in her cord, I wonder if something I ate that day, made her go to the bathroom in my womb and that is what did it. I wonder sometimes, Am I to blame? Its so hard living with this. With every movement of this baby girl with me now, its so bitter sweet. I'm happy yet I miss my Isabella so much. Each movement I feel is reassurance, but yet, it scares me because I wonder what exactly is going on inside me? The cord wrapping around my baby scares me so much. I really hate being so paranoid. I wish I could be one of those care free, go lucky pregnant mommies that is just worried about what color nursery we will have. I wish that my worries didnt invovle my baby dying. Its so hard being pregnant after such a loss. Speaking of nursery, I'm struggling with what to do with the one we have now. its finished. Its ready for a baby, but should I change it? That room was made for Isabella and though she never made it home or slept in her bed, is it fair to keep it the same? What should I do? Its so hard to even open that door still. When I go inside that room, I literally run in and run out...its just not a happy place for me, to many sad memories in that room. To many tears cried in that room. I think I want to change it, but am I trying to erase my meories of Isabella to move on? I dont want to do that. I want to be fair to both my girls, how do I do that?
Isabella, I love you and I miss you more than anything. I wish you were here with me, Daddy and Xavier waiting for the arrival of your baby sister. I want to make you proud of me. Please help me be the best mommy I can be. Your in my heart baby girl. I love you more than life itself and I miss you. I will miss you every day of my life. Love you baby girl xoxoxo. Mommy.
Comments
I am so happy your little girl is health and getting bigger. I know what you mean about feeling like you are to blame. I think about that often. My dr tells me that I am not and I should stop blaming myself.
As for the room, I think Isabella would be happy to share her things with her little sister. If you can handle it, I would leave it the same. It will bring some happiness back into your home.
Right now I have Nicholas' room pretty much the same as it was in November. The only thing I did was take down the crib and backed the bedding away. If God blesses me with a boy I plan on using it. I see it as Nicholas' gift to the baby. As for going in his room, I sometime sit in there and rock and talk to him. Other than tha I run in and run out. Makayla plays a lot in there. I guess she finds peace in there too. It is cute, when I see her in there I can hear her talking, but I can't make out what she says. When I ask her about it, she said she is talking to Nicholas.
((HUGS)) Amy
Am1110
Good to hear all is going good. I know how you feel with wondering all the time if everything is ok, I do the same thing. I worry about if I'm sitting wrong on laying wrong or whatever! We will get through this and we will have beautiful babies I just feel it. As for her room, what we did is have a little wall that is dedicated to Noah's stuff and then changed the theme for Nora. Just do what feels right and things will work out! I will be thinking of you and you are in my thoughts and prayers!!! Hugs, Sharon
shandyH
I'm glad to hear how well everything is going. As far as changing the nursery, it sounds to me like you need to change it. If you can't handle being in there and it is too upsetting to you, than it has to go. It isn't removing Isabella (though it might feel like it while you are doing it- at least it did for me while taking down Madeline's stuff to make room for Ben) once it is all redone for your second daughter it will probably feel so much better. Maybe you could leave a few things up of Isabella's in her sister's room. I left the top shelf of the bookcase in Ben's room with some special Madeline things on it, and I framed her picture and footprints and measurements and hung them on the wall next to his. When Nathaniel is born I plan to add his to the wall as well, so that ALL of my children are included. Maybe doing something like that would help you feel more at ease with it. And remember, she knows that you are her mommy and that you love her so very much- no matter how that room is decorated. Take care of yourself Renee.
StephaniePaige
I am so glad all is well with your growing baby .. I have the same thoughts you have too about worring about something happening to this pregnancy ..
Jill
jillsmax
I understand completely your feelings about the cord. It's so scary because it is something they have to have to grow and be strong, and it's the very thing that we fear will take another chance of happiness from us. I won't say it gets easier because I'm still fearful at 36wks, but the further along I've gotten I'm more aware that Hope is her own self and knowing I have Faith to watch over her helps.
With the nursery I too didn't know what to do except i wanted Faith to be included somehow. I finally decided to keep some of it the same for the memory of Faith and to represent her passing it down to her little sister. If you don't even like going in there, i would start by changing it and along the way you might see parts that give you peace if they stay the same. Just take small steps, and it will come to you. Good luck and God Bless, Cynthia
crwtom