RyansPrincess's Journal

Wow!  I hadnt realised so much time had passed since my last entry.  I wish I were writing a journal update all these months later because I had good news, but I dont.  We have pretty much left TTC up to fate and put it on the back burner for now.  We have something else going on that is taking up all our time and putting loads of stress on me.  We are trying to buy our first house!  It's supposed to be exciting but to me it's stressful.  Don't get me wrong,  I am very excited that we are taking this huge step in our lives but it is a huge source of anxiety for me.  But our impending IVF journey was an even bigger source of stress.  At least when we buy this house it is ours and we are guaranteed that house unlike IVF where we pay lots and lots of money and aren't guaranteed a baby.  For the longest time the thought of buying a house would send me into panic attacks, then one morning I woke up and decided that I was ready and we needed to get this done.  It still causes me anxiety attacks but I can work through them for the most part and I realise that right now, this is what needs to be done and the time is right.  As much as I want a baby, as much as I have wanted a baby for the past 7 years, something is telling me that right now is not the right time to pursue fertility treatments.  That was not an easy realization to come to, let me tell you.  But I haven't given up, far from it,  we are just taking it day by day and letting things happen naturally.  If it happens for us in this time, great .. if not, then as soon as this whole house purchase business settles we'll try again with the RE.  Hubby and I are on the same page though,  we want to try a couple more IUI's and give it another shot before moving on to IVF.  It is our decision, not the RE's.  The RE wants us to move right onto IVF.  Also, in January I will have all new insurance.  I dont know how AETNA is with infertility treatments so we'll see.  Something else to deal with I guess :) So that's it for now.  Hopefully I will be able to keep up with my journal more often.  I feel much better having written down my feelings .. sometimes it helps, other times it's just to much for me to deal with.