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ShazzerInc 
I had a moment of happiness this morning and now its back to the numb, trying suppress those bad feelings. My last journal wasnt painting over cracks, it's just that the feeling of sadness never go away, i throw myself into all kind of things, things that wont let me down like TV, video games etc. I know im working towards getting my life to where I want to be, just pains me that people who I loved, got close too have gone from my life, I have learnt to accept that. I feel so alone in life, like no-one gets me, I can count on one hand people who have burst the bubble that I am in.
I know people say that if you want something bad enough or your life to change, "go get out there and work damn hard" they have a point, its not that easy. I hav tried to people on here, I may come across as a non tryer, but im tring, im not giving up, I look in the mirror and fight against those feelings I have had over how I look, but I have something bigger then that, i have an identity crisis, I dont know where I belong, im an asian living in England, all my friends growing up were white, I dont like other asian people, I have my reason, just the way they act, but when i was with my friends in high school, i felt one of the group but still felt on the outside of the group. I dont know who I am, I dont know what I want to be. its all wracked up in my self image, when people say i have no confidence, yes its no illness, im not going to die from this, but also I feel people think "oh get over yourself" crippling self image, low self esteem, there is inner confidence, like I feel im the best in the room, the thing is that room only has me in it. I hate comparing but you see it in life, its something im working on not thinking about but you see it and even if you dont think about it, its still there.
I dont know where I am heading, sometimes where to turn, I feel ive got this bubble, I will let everyone in but I wont let anyone get close, I feel so lost on this planet of ours, so ive created my own planet, its good on planet shaz, full of jokes, sport etc but thats my brain, they call it introspection, i wish i could be where i feel i belong, that i have people in my life. just wish that I can be happy, i know it wont come from sitting in my room, but trust me ive tried and will keep trying, there must be something inherently bad about me that no-one EVER in my life has stuck with me..............thanks for reading this..........
Comments
hey Shaz,i am so sorry you are having these feelings again,you will have days where you slip backwards,i do all the time,i feel the same as you most of the time,the only two differencesbetween us are you are male ,i am female,you have asian background,i don't,reading this journal is just like looking at some of the things i write,i don't usually tell other people how i think or feel as like you said,all i get is pull yourself together,stop feeling sorry for yourself get out and mix,there is absolutely nothing bad about you at all,it is not your fault or mine for that matter that other people don't understand us,thats why they are cruel because they don't understand why we feel this way,they don't feel like us so we must be in the wrong,well i have news for them, they are in the wrong for judging and laughing,like i said before you will get bad days you are not going to be able to change overnight,it takes time,one day at a time my friend,i am here to listen and support as much as i can,and i know you will do the same for me,because we understand each other and what each other thinks and feels,i too have no one here to tell ,only people like you on ds,i don't know what would happen to me if i couldn't access ds for any reason,it is what keeps me sane,don't try to fight it too soon Shaz,it won't work ,chin up my special friend,i love you that must count for something,love and hugs,helen.
witchnell
you know i reckon what your feeling is really common but you feel like your going absolutley crazy, sometimes its difficult to get perspective, i reckon we have a million questions but we will never be satisfied with any answers coz there is always more questions, stay positive and keep busy i hope things will be better in time just maybe we wont understand things straight away - but its like when you right an essay theres never one answer theres a billion and when you are confronted with an answer its like well how can you be so certain ! anyway take care and stay safe xxxxxxxxx
firespinner
Huge hugs shaz. As you know i am mixed race with an asian/white mixed background and so many times i have been so lost as i went to an all white school. I got bullied badly but then went to college/uni and made friends with people of both races. I too have felt lost and didn't know where i 'belonged' but at the end of the day shaz you've got to think that you are 'you' and no one can take that away from you. Don't let anyone ever put you down and always remember you are a strong person. it's only this last year i have felt comfortable (i was never ashamed mind you) but with who i am. Just be proud of being you. I grew up with my dad telling me one thing and my mum another. at the end of the day you need to find your ownb way and live your life for you! Big hugs x
stix24
wow shaz! I am sorry you have to go through these feelings.
OJewel
hugs. x
millionwishes
sorry to hear about that, don't let anyone put you down! you sound like a wonderful person who has been in a terrible situation for too long. it will get better, just give it some time. if you ever need to talk we are all here for you. x
EddieWouldGo