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ShazzerInc 
Im bloody supposed to be asleep, what am i doing writing a journal in the middle of the night, listening to One by U2, I think that song is a love song, like she is the"one" but to me its just a song that reminds me that there is only one person in my life. People grow up, my older brother has moved on, he is married he has a kid, my little brother is getting older. people move on. I am still stcuk in my own ways.
I try to stick to my principles, like im not religious at the moment so in a moment of weakness, I dont look for god, why should I go to God when I need help when i wasnt there any other time. Ive spent all my life in a bubble, not many if at all, have spilt that bubble, maybe one person did, or maybe that was on my part, I dont know. I look around at people, I wish I was confident, lack of confidence is no disease, im not going to die from it, but seriously it can kill your soul, growing up, being emotionally kicked around, you just dont want to know. I was the easy targert because I let them, I was weak, I think i still am weak. I make friends even on here who may be very rude, who may start having a go at me because I just said something normal, but I lie down and take it because ive got no-one, I want to be accepted, I have friends where it only one way but I keep going back like homeless person keeps begging, im stupid, I dont where to go, who to turn to, my loves in life are things that wont hurt me, I dont know if I will ever find that special person.
I have and still try anything to be accepted in this world, I feel so lost, I will go above and beyond the call of duty but it only gets you noticed so much, I dont know what I want, I live alone, my soul has been destroyed, I dont honestly what im doing on this earth except wasting oxygen, I wish I could feel accepted, I never have, this is coming from the heart, this is not a "feel sorry for me moment" I wish someone would give me a chance, why did everyone walk out my life, why did and people still mke my life hell. I dont why the hell im writing this. I have a really hard week coming up, I am scared, I wont deny it, Life is getting extremely hard, normal things are becoming more hard, i cant concentrate because im living in my own bubble where im constantly thinking.......
Thank you for reading my ramble.........
UPDATED GOALS
gym 5time/week over month
Progress 100%
Encouragements: 4
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Take that back right now, Shaz! You are definitely NOT a wasting oxygen. I can't count the number of times you have cheered me up and made me feel less of a fuck up.
There are lots of horrible people out there and I'm so sorry you've had to come into contact with them. But let me assure you, you are possibly the kindest person out there and you will find that special someone.
I know how scary school can be. I spent most of my high school days hiding out behind the gym buying cigarettes from the janitors :P So I can really relate there! haha But Shaz, you are so much stronger than I am and you are going to make something of your life! You are determined, insightful, and talented.
Hang in there and remember that things will start to look up for you.
Rae518
Shazzyhun firstly good on you for being honest about your feelings and sharing them here- kudos for that. I'm so sad to see you struggling like this hunni again and again. You have a very strong mind and a very strong will, I know I sound like a broken record on this but honestly it might be time to start considering whether a chemical imbalance is playing a fair role here in contributing to your thoughts and thinking- just saying it is something that could really help looking into and even if its not the case it would be good to rule it out. You have your whole life ahead of you hunni and so much living to do you don't need to keep struggling like this when there is help available. I know you are strong and you are so firecely independant but hypothetically just say it was a chemical imbalance with serotonin etc playing a factor here- no amount of will or thinking can overcome that without proper help and support I feel. Just my opinion Shazzy, you know I luvs ya and just want to see you happy and healthy (((Massive Squeeeeezee))))) xxxxx
Rubyshooz
i have read your journal shaz,and i have also read the replies, i agree with all of them,i have been through similar feelings lately,so i have some idea of how you are feeling,but really my dear friend you are not totally alone,we are all here for you,and i will say this again ,i so wish i lived closer to you,i would see to it that you understand that you are a very special person and are held in the utmost esteem with all who know you,you will get the days where everything gets you down,but try to remember that they don't last,you are a very clever and caring young man,if the world had more people like you in it ,we would all benefit so much,keep fighting shaz remember that graduation,and what you can do after it,i see you going all the way to the top of your chosen profession,and that will show all the nasty doubters won't it,chin up ,love and hugs,helen.
witchnell
shaz this is so sad. your such a great person i wish you didnt feel this way. keep your head! im always always always here for you. love & hugs
wd09
You write so well. This is like one of the best, open, and soul revealing writing I have seen from you. You are right on the money with who you are even though you use questions as to why. You really have your head on your shoulders. Well, we will always be good friends even if you turn away from me first.I love you, Shaz. You do have more of your future than your past and that is a blessing.Take care, Message me anytime, Jewel xx
OJewel
hey hey hey look at that goal you did, 100% it says, see that? you can do things, just takes time and effort and motivation... dont lose hope in yourself 0 i have faith in you and look at how you've always been here for me and all thes other people here xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
defective3
Shaz I feel your pain I think I feel this way at least one time a day if not more....
Your friend on here that mentioned meds along with
chemical imbalances could be right on mark-
although I think I discussed that with you in previous msgs so no need for me to repeat myself-
Shaz am really impressed and so proud of you of how
eloquently you expressed yourself here on your journal no fluff or bs just straight from your heart pure and raw and full of feelings and raw emotion-
You have made so much progress and while I am a big believer in meds just as you would treat a physical ailment this type of journaling in and of itself is also another form of self-help and therapy-
Also just have to say
You have helped me so much too Shaz-
You have always been there for me whatever
emotion I was feeling you were never a fly
by nite friend but always stuck with me and
I will forever be grateful to you for that
you are one of the most selfless ppl I know
and you have helped me more than you will ever
know too-Thanks for being my true blue friend.
Love Always,
Chris
cookiegurl
I despise that lack of confidence. I haven't had it all my life, I used to be a high and mighty in my decibels. Everyone who seems to have all these great friends and are popular are just people who can speak up, and have confidence in what they say. I'm guessing if people are stepping on you, you have a lot of great things you could say to prevent it, or stop them, or just make friends out of it. I could just be assuming, but I'm catching your online ora, and you seem intensely nice. People will be rude when they know they can be, and that's sad they'd take advantage of you in that way, but you don't deserve it I'm sure, so there's always satisfaction in that.
SylantTirant