shaz191185's Journal

I wrote a journal saying I had reached the stage that I have always wanted to be, but who I am kidding. I feeling like I am lost, like even the most simple of tasks seem really hard, whats the point? what am I living for, the dream that I will never get, to be happy, haha thats a joke I think it always be like this. I have been on here since June, what have I really done on here, made loads of female friends, what I doing, what am I looking for, recieved load of hugs, i have ended up the in the same position like i have in my life, a real fucking loser, im not saying this, so then friends can come on and stroke my ego, maybe i am wallowing in self pity, so what, its me, live in my head and you will see things from my point of view, I want to change, i have done everythinbg, its seems wherever i loook, its like a dead end. I am close to people on here in words, but I have to pull back because I can see where thinsg are going, my counsellor said that maybe im so eager to have friends that i jump on people, in a metaphoric (is that a word) sense, that people who i am drawn close to, im chasing the fact that oimdeserate for people to like me. all my life that all i have wanted for people to like.

So i ahve to protect myself, i have years of counselling where has it got me, i have tried my own techniques, i have only tried meds for a month, but all they will is supress my thoughts they wont actually help, i feel trapped in this fucking culture and a joke family, a culure that wehn a funeral happens, the family as well as grieving have got some kind of register in their head, noting who is there, then a few days they will say "oh that person did not come" fuck off. I sit in my bedroom all day, yeah maybe thats my problem, it is, I have lost the person that I was at 11, the confident kisd, years of surving have take theoir toll, i dont know what i have left to live, i want to kill myself to make my family suffer, but who wins in that situation, NO-ONE, plus the person i am, i just would even want to cause pain on people, I kind of wish that i was not born, what a waste of space i have become, im not cool, im just crap face, who just deserves the crap that goes around my head, its funny people have come and gone, they have made me feel like this, i continually fight on my own, i cant ask for help because i dont, people may say on here, "well you asked me" maybe i did, but i feel that mnaybe a handful, i look ayt my life, that bring on my own for the rest of my life, is what is supposed to be. because one fact, some people annoy me, i cant deal with people, if im wallowing in self pity, maybe i am doing that, but you know what, if its meant to be. see ya.

As I sit here, dont know what to do, have load music banging in to my ears, i homnestly feel so empty inside, wish i could clutch onto something that made me think, oh yes, i need that, i look around all my life and wanted to be be someone else, but at the same time, secretly torturing myself, i have a self desturctive personality,  one that cant do anything right, i loom at everything, they all end up in one way, crap, dont know where to look, dont know where i am, dont who i am, im not shahzad, this is not me, or maybe it is me. i dont look in the mirror ever, only when i want to punch what i see what is in the reflection, i have done it once, pouch a mirror, people ndont need me, i run away fromn people, i have never been close to anyone, that is crucks of it, no-one really, its like sub-cnsciously i run away from someone when it happens, i wish oit cpould bne different, but i have not told anyone what may happen to me, if i live, i know i will do something stupid and end up in jail, i dont knwo where to look, i dont know who i am, you know like in the movies the person says "show me asign that things will be good" dsomething like that, something usually happens, i kind of want that, but my head is so messed up i dont know what to think. maybe i am supposed to be like this, if i change what will happen, i will be something that i will haqte, i will never be happy it comes from years of people critising, everything, not one thing has been criticised, parents from fucking hell. im going to be 23 on the 19th, what have i to show for in my life. NOTHING. my gravestoned will say. shahzad. 1985-???? NOTHING. pretty much sums it all up.