Journal

Hey Shaz,

Ah, the contradiction. I know that feeling all too well also. I think if I didn't have my family around I would be completely, and utterly secluded. Talking to my family each day is the only real socialisation I get. I think you're probably the same in that regards.

You shouldn't have any insecurities about yourself. You're a wonderful and caring person. You've got an awesome sense of humour.

I have to believe that these trials and tribulations we go through are there to make us into stronger people. And you've got to figure if we go through that many struggles we're going to end up pretty damn thick skinned. I do believe there is truth in that old saying, "What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger."

Hang in there. I know it's hard, but you have people here that care about you, and will stick by you no matter what comes your way.

Hugs,
Blossarina.

hi babe do you know what, i feel the same way too sometimes, even with family around i can and do sometimes feel alone and feel bad...but im very lucky because i have found a good close friend in you....and you have helped me through so much and talked me through the night you are the best sort of friend and thats a true friend the friend that everyone on here wonts and thats you....please dont ever think that you dont matter to me you do lots of love a really close and grateful friend i hope you are ok...we both need to trust more we will be ok sometimes pain can bring people togather and give us a special bond that best friends can bring... lov a friend.xxx. im here im never to far away from you babe night.xxx.you are part of my family babe....take care.

shaz shaz shaz. first off... you are not a loser. not even close. second thres no wy someone as great as you will end up alone. look at all the friends youve made on here, you c an do that in person too. i know the confidence thing is an issue but you can do it! challange yourself every day. maybe by ssaying hi to someone random at uni, then escalating it to conversations. you can do it shaz i know you can

Hi shaz,

You see yourself as a contradiction, but I see you as just being human. I think I understand how you feel because of a similar experience. There will always be days when you're at the top of your game, while at other times....you can only strive to do better. When I was much younger, I was very shy, and afraid to connect with others, but that was my past. Now, I describe myself as a confident, assertive, and friendly person who loves to advocate for those who are afraid to speak up. However, there are times when I do feel insecure and lonely...but that's because I'm only human. Sometimes, I still feel like that shy little girl I used to be. We must give ourselves permission to be "ok" with the bad days. That's how we strive to become better, not perfect. One day you will find that special girl, and fall in love because you are a good person who deserves happiness.

I hope this helps you feel better...at least a little bit. Take care, my friend.

Sabrina

I can relate to your journal. When I was younger I had said I never wanted to get married. I wanted to buy a cabin in Alaska and keep to myself.

I chose to get married. All of the future signs were there, but he said he wanted to marry me. Lots of guys wanted to go out and some maybe marry, but I took the first offer.

I then decided to have childern. Then the deal was set. I've been stuck and my life continues to break down. Everyday I say-for my boys.

I'm also torn with getting close or standing at a distance. When you chose to get close-you can experience some delightful experiences that you would never experience without. Unfortunately many relationships don't work. From my experiences-protect yourself financially. In the end it's still worth taking a chance with someone whether it is a friend or a possible love.

I just wish I had protected myself financially. I also wish someone gave a damn enough to help me out of this pit I share with my husband. There is a saying-You made your bed now lie in it. I've been lying in it for three years now.

He told me today that he is losing his job again. So that means back to no insurance. Just when I thought I might be able to get some therapy. I am so disappointed. But I will wake up tomorrow and think of the boys. Of course God comes first, but my sons help me remember that I wouldn't just be damning myself it would be them too.

Good luck. It is worth the risk. Our time on this earth is so short. Surely I can endure a little more pain so my boys can be content.

Big Hugs to you,
T

SHAZ,ABOUT THE BRIDGE,THIS IS TRUE..I WAS IN DEEP DESPAIR AND VERY ILL ONE DAY I WAS SO DEPRESSED,SAT IN THIS GARDEN BENCH,AND WAS TRYING HOW TO BEST JUMP IN THE RIVER BIG T.. AND SUDDENLY I CLEARLY HEARD A VOICE,I WAS ALONE ,NOT A SOUL IN SIGHT IT SAID''WHAT ABOUT IF YOU JUMP AND SOMEONE JUMP AFTER YOU AND DIES''I REMEMBER ANSWERING''NO,I DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN ''LORD'',I WALKED HOME,,,FROM THAT DAY I FOUND FAITH AND MY MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL HEALING STARTED,PRAYER HELPED,AND GODLY CHRISTIANS,IT IS POSSIBLE JUST GIVE ''JESUS CHRIST''A CHANCE,LOVE LUCY,IF YOU NEED TO SHARE I AM HERE,I HAVE A DAUGHETER OLDER THAN YOU,YOU HAVE A LIFE IN FRONT OF YOU CHERISH EVERY MOMENT,LUCY..

I used to think I would never get a boyfriend, ever ever ever I just could not see it ever happening. But it WILL happen, you will fall in love.

joy holy shaz is muslim, why the hell are you talking about jesus christ to him? thats very ignorant.

Thats not a contradiction. Its an astute observation.

hey Shaz,i am so sorry you are having these feelings again,you will have days where you slip backwards,i do all the time,i feel the same as you most of the time,the only two differencesbetween us are you are male ,i am female,you have asian background,i don't,reading this journal is just like looking at some of the things i write,i don't usually tell other people how i think or feel as like you said,all i get is pull yourself together,stop feeling sorry for yourself get out and mix,there is absolutely nothing bad about you at all,it is not your fault or mine for that matter that other people don't understand us,thats why they are cruel because they don't understand why we feel this way,they don't feel like us so we must be in the wrong,well i have news for them, they are in the wrong for judging and laughing,like i said before you will get bad days you are not going to be able to change overnight,it takes time,one day at a time my friend,i am here to listen and support as much as i can,and i know you will do the same for me,because we understand each other and what each other thinks and feels,i too have no one here to tell ,only people like you on ds,i don't know what would happen to me if i couldn't access ds for any reason,it is what keeps me sane,don't try to fight it too soon Shaz,it won't work ,chin up my special friend,i love you that must count for something,love and hugs,helen.

you know i reckon what your feeling is really common but you feel like your going absolutley crazy, sometimes its difficult to get perspective, i reckon we have a million questions but we will never be satisfied with any answers coz there is always more questions, stay positive and keep busy i hope things will be better in time just maybe we wont understand things straight away - but its like when you right an essay theres never one answer theres a billion and when you are confronted with an answer its like well how can you be so certain ! anyway take care and stay safe xxxxxxxxx

Huge hugs shaz. As you know i am mixed race with an asian/white mixed background and so many times i have been so lost as i went to an all white school. I got bullied badly but then went to college/uni and made friends with people of both races. I too have felt lost and didn't know where i 'belonged' but at the end of the day shaz you've got to think that you are 'you' and no one can take that away from you. Don't let anyone ever put you down and always remember you are a strong person. it's only this last year i have felt comfortable (i was never ashamed mind you) but with who i am. Just be proud of being you. I grew up with my dad telling me one thing and my mum another. at the end of the day you need to find your ownb way and live your life for you! Big hugs x

wow shaz! I am sorry you have to go through these feelings.

hugs. x

sorry to hear about that, don't let anyone put you down! you sound like a wonderful person who has been in a terrible situation for too long. it will get better, just give it some time. if you ever need to talk we are all here for you. x

I'm so proud of your progress...slow & steady but you're making big strides at the same time...You are very aware of who you are, where you're going and what you have the ability to become so better keep at it! (((hugs)))

Wow! Good Journal Shaz, damn good! I am so happy for you. I want it ALL for you. Your issues resolved and the magic wand! Go for it. You are on your way.

see i knew it would happen for you soon,keep it up shaz,you are doing really well,and i am so proud of you,love and hugs,helen.

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO proud of you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are doing SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GREAT, so much progress you are making and on all levels of your life both 'inside' and 'outside'. I honestly couldn't be more prouder of you right now Shazzyhun- what a fantastic journal entry- standing up and intercepting those thoughts- it's GOLD GOLD GOLD BAAAAAAAAAAABBBBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lotsa luv xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shaz, I am proud to here all this and so happy for you. I absolutley love that you believe in yourself and I believe in you too as well as all these other people here singing your praises. And as far as medicine goes I see as 'why go at it alone' but do whatever you feel is best because you know best and are alrady making all the right decisions.

I'm really proud of you Shaz! You are doing so well. Huge hugs x