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From a young age, I have only known how to survive, how to fight anxiety, from tv programme to watching sport. to gritting my teeth to digging deep, thats what I have done, To survive, I have lost the soul inside of me, I never want to sound like im having self pity party for one because circumstances in my life I have just got on with, with no-one to turn to for a large amount of time in my life its about not being in the now. Where am I now? still in the same position, taking every short cut in life, frozen, not knowing who I am, where I am going, I feel alone, even with people I feel alone, this is because for many years people picked on me, what did I ever do? I let people use me and spit me out. I have no self belief really, im dead inside, I dont know if I ever will be alive inside, I just want to be a good person but still people still try to ruin my life.
I have been numb since I was 11, what kind if life is that, survival, no-one caring, I just wish someone would have seen I was suffering but no-one ever wanted to help me, no-one gave me a hug when I needed it, no-one gave me affection when I needed it, when people say good things, its hard to take, is it just balance from the years of torture people put me through, sorry if this sounds dramatic, but if you have been all alone in your life, yes I had family, yes I had a hone but love to me for someone not to make fun of me.
Being numb, alone.......is all I know.
I had to write this, sorry for going on, I had to write this, it has been boiling around in my head and I feel I needed to get it out. But let me say I am getting there. Thanks to friends like you all.
Comments
Wow what a year, I messed up my exams (I didn't fail them I just didn't turn up) and added another year to my education, all the years of keeping quiet and suffering alone took their toll. I have made so many great friends joining this place in June, I got thank a lot of people but two people I want to thank alot, are Aimee and Jen, Aimee who when I came on gave me a hug and kept me on here when normally I would have not come back on. Then there is Jen, wow what can I say who took me under her wing when I came on and that someone could so genuine and really great and just let me fly off, I will never forget that forever, she doesn't know how that helped when I thought no-one cared, that meant the world to me. I don't think I will ever be able to repay her back for being there when I was dead inside and made me want to live and be happy. Without both of you I would not have been where I am now and all the people
Even though in life I haven't progressed much, as a person I have come on leaps from when I joined this place. having people in my life, thinking and believing that people do care. People have been so great to me on here, I don't know what I have done, but Thank You all, I had some abuse on here, people making accusation on here on why i'm on here or even people discussing on the board that Im here to groom young girls, which really depressed me so much, it helped so much that my friends believed in me. I would never do anything like that. I just wouldn't. I wouldn't harm an insect, even if it was stinging the hell out of me.
Now its onto the next year, I have started to believe in myself and hope to take the great work I have done on here into the "real world" lol, just get out there more and put myself out there and really realise my potential, I love my friends on here so much, all have a special place in my heart. I dont know what this year will bring, I hope I find happiness, I hope I find that someone that I have dreamed of all my life, to share my life with someone. To make great friends in life and just be the good guy I am and whoever said nice guys don't win is just wrong. I will show them. I am already winning.
Comments
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Shaz, I am touched beyond words from your journal entry, There is nothing to even try to repay, I am glad I was there to support you and to help you see what a great person you are and to be able to see you shine is all that is required. You have grown so much these last months and I hope will continue to be the person you were born to be, warm , kind , sincere and a special person, I hope 2009 makes all your dreams come true, Happy Newe Year Shaz, with love jen xxx
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You're a great guy Shaz. Very nice to everyone, very supportive. People would do anything for a friend like that. It's hard being young and confused and lonely--we're the same age and I feel that way too. But we're getting on any way we can, making progress, working every day to be the best we can be. Glad we met on this site my friend, you've helped me a lot and I appreciate it. We're very alike you and I, we feel a lot of the same things and have a lot of the same problems. 2009 will be a good year for both of us if we work hard and apply ourselves, I know it.
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You are already winning, well said Shaz :) thank you for being such a great friend i'm glad that you staying on DS after talking to me! I'm surprised i didn't scare you off, hehe :P But thank you for always being there, always giving me and others support and encouragment, and giving advice and for being a great friend. I hope that 2009 will be our year to kick anxietys butt! infact lets do it haha! :] game on depression and anxiety mwahahaha! we will do it shaz! love you. xxxxx
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awww im so happy to read this!! 'i am already winning' :) yes you are!! love you so much, you are amazing xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Hello Shazza.
What can i say about you....Hmm, despite what you think about yourself, and the way you feel personally, it never spills over into the advice you give, which is admirable. i have moaned to you many times about stuff (mostly women) lol, and everytime we chat you always seem to help me get things into perspective, and i feel better after talking to you. i know i normally act like a joker and a funny dude, but sometimes i feel down like the rest of the general public, and you always take the time out to make me feel better about myself, even though i feel my problems are tiny compared to some of the people on here with stories to tell. Thats admirable too.
shaz, i hope you do know how special you are (and i dont mean special needs lol), and that i have a huge amount of respect for you as a man/hero. if i can ever do anything to help you, then please ask and i will try. thanks for being you, keep up the good work making people happy. i am not sure how much more praise i can heap upon you without sounding homosexual, so i will bail out now and just say I LOVE YA xxx
All the best for 2009, you are a "natural born winner"
Your friend, Cole xx
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go kick arse for next year shaz you deserve it x
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wow!After all those,i'm feeling like a small mouse here,but i think you already know how i feel about you!I love that you help people!I always try to remind myself that,although we've gone through so much and are wounded,we have the power to help others heal with our life experiences!I really wish i could have been there for you in the beginning,but i'm here now!And i'd also like to thank Aimee and Jen for all of the support they have given to someone on here that i am proud to call friend!And Shahzad,you are many peoples super hero and i'm so proud of you for that!You go boy!You go kick major 2009 Ass and when you're at the top,remeber us little people,LOL!Tom Brady ain't got nothing on you!!!!
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Oh sorry...Arse!ROFL:)
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=] x
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I know that we only just met a few weeks ago...but YOU are so special! I hope that I have helped a little bit. I have seen a strength in you that is most definitely going to take you from those four walls and escort you into your new life as a confident and successful young man! I know you are scared sometimes, but don't be. We ALL are! I hate to leave my apartment, and when I finally do, I actually feel better. Hey, I get groceries out of it! haha...I love ya honey and I'm right there with ya! You ARE a winner!!!! Love, Launie xoxoxo
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That is great
I just dont know where I am going really, i feel so lost in the world, everything I do is linked to my survival instincts, I just feel so lost and very alone., triggers are bad,m why do things trigger me, i really dont know. I feel someone is watching over me whenever I do everything, the whole world is laughing at me, whats the point, which ever path I take I seem to always come back to where I am now, things dont feel real, im in a culture that I hate where all that matters is titles and how much money your earning, being bought up in a different society and parents wonder why you dont agree with stupid things like arrange marriages, wake up we live in England, we ere born here, every few times i enjoy life, i dont how to because as soon as im a position that i dont like, survival instincts hit in. whats real anymore, if im gone who will care, i just wish I could go away.
People always ask how are you? i never really answer it properly, i dont know how to, feel like i don't belong, like i cant sit and no demons come into my head, whats the point, i always try to get help but always end up in the same place, whats the point. I always push people away before I have fet reaction, maybe I will do i again, I dont know where I am going, I feel lost that I can really get on with people my age, I do things to protect from torturing myself, I still have problems taking to people, thats why they go because they think, he does not give a damn about me, thats ok, if people go thats ok. I dont know anymore, I just wish there was a way through this and to get on, to levels above where I am now, seems like I end up where I am.
There is no-one else to blame but me, if people dont want to talk to me thats cool, im pretty boring person anyway, thats why people have used me as a mat. oh well I lay down if anyone wants to do that again. As i sit in my bedroom with the curtains drwn, just feel where am I going, i just cant take it, everything is about survival and i have always known that, the year I tried to step out of that life crumbled around me. i feel more alone then I have ever been sometimes having hope can be worse not having it.
UPDATED GOALS
work on confid/self worth
Progress 15%
Encouragements: 2
Add your supportComments
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Shazzy, you are such a wonderful inspiration to so many people on here sweetie... We all love you dearly! You do NOT deserve to be used as a door mate honey...so please get up from that floor! You help others so very much and we all want to help you too! Thats what we're here for sweetheart...to help each other! I'll always be here for you mate...no matter what! You have helped me in so many ways and I am truly thankful for that...so thank you babes! Try to stay positive Shazzy and dont EVER forget our motto ok? WHAT'S OUR MOTTO SHAZZY??? LOUDER...I CANT HEAR YOU! x
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I know how you feel my friend...it's tough being alive sometimes. I've felt some of those feelings too lately, but medication helps me get rid of those feelings and feel confident and happy again. You may want to think about talking to a doctor about medication--it could help, you never know until you try. I only say that because I feel some of those feelings too when I'm not medicated, but when I am on medicine I feel okay again.
Anyways my friend, you're a great person. You have a lot of people who care for you here, and we know what pain feels like. You've supported us through a lot of hard times, and I for one appreciate it immensely. We're the same age and it's tough to look at life and try to make sense of it at our young age.
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Hope is very scary. Having friends is scary. Deciding to live when we can't see the hope is difficult.
But When we have a good day we can remember why we put up with hope, taking a chance on friends and deciding to live.
I don't know when that day will happen for you, but it will be worth the wait.
Please try to feel comfortable telling me the truth of how you are feeling we can ride the waves together.
Flower
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Shaz, Your not alone hon we are here for you... As westielover said get up off the floor ... No way in hell are you a doormat... Your an amazing caring and lover person... We are always here for you... We are your friend... Dont let others get you down hon... I dont know what I would do without you.. Love ya hon...
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hi Shaz, I can see from your hugs that you get a lot of intelligent feedback from your friends that all say they love you. The power of love can move mountains remember? So you are going to make it through this hard time and you will have a period of relief like it has happened before. You are unmistakably truly loved hon.
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Hi Shaz. You need to keep your chin up hun. You think you are a doormat because you are so caring and people take advantage of that. I have been there. What religion are you where you have arranged marriages? Do you have to do that? Anyone would be lucky to be married to you. You are NOT boring. You are anything but. You are an angel who does not think much of himself. I think you should go to a doctor. Did you ever try medication? Im on it and it helps alot. You just have to take that step to go and things will get better. It sounds like you are very depressed. Life is very hard. I almost gave up before, but im glad im still here. You are here for a reason and soooooo many people love you! I mean, goodness, you have your own Shaz appreciation group!! You are a wonderful person and you offer so much to others. Maybe you should move to the USA. lol You can move by me and we can help each other out. lol Just kidding. I bet everyone on here wishes you lived by them. You have to get through this. Please look to get help. You deserve to be happy. xoxoxox, Shari
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Shaz, please look into this asperger's diagnosis more. Seriously. A friend of mine just got married, he is 24 yrs. old, and he was just now diagnosed with asperger's. It is a very real deal, so read about it online. I know you had trouble with doctors, can you keep looking for a good one?
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sorry to hear your feelin down ((hugs)) here for u x you got to try to stop puttin urself down so much x i no its really hard felin this way but you will get thru this i know you heard that so many times aswel..but i beleive u are strong enough to get thru al of this x
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No son of mine is a floor mat. You are a wonderful young man, so don't forget that. I agree with hugless, maybe it's time you move to the good ole USA. Life isn't about how much money you make, or what career you have. Life is how you live it, what makes you happy. I mean when it is all said and done you can't take anything with you. But my son it's what you leave behind. And if you were to die today, the legacy you will have left behind is amazing. The love you have for others is truly a gift. Of course there would also be a lot of broken hearts on this site. I don't believe there is anyone out there who has your heart of gold, you are truly one of a kind. So listen to your momma, and lift your head up high, and say, I am Shaz, and I do matter, and my life is worth living. Love ya son, mom
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Shaz, listen to your momma, she knows best! Always remember this momma knows best! And what culture are you or religion who beleives in arraged marriages??? oh heck maybe they cld have done a better job than I did myself! (feeble attempt for a smile) Now stand up and dont lay down to be walked on by NO ONE! Stay standing because you can't walk away FROM your problems sitting nor laying so let's ring in the new yr right okay?? love ya!
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'momma knows best' - umm NO not true.
and if you are gone, WE will care! i will care. i love you to bits shaz i love talking to you, you are funny and interesting but also you look after me so well. you are better than any therapist. xxxxxxxxxx
yes life is hard. life is a bitch, as i always say. xx but look at me, look how far ive come... well ok i know, im pretty much an alcoholic, a sleeping pill addict, blah blah blah BUUUUT i am trying so hard to improve my life. and look - here i am with a proper job, wearing proper clothes and looking and acting like a normal human being!!! well. some of the time. hahaha hmmmmm.... ok so sometimes i get wasted and do crazy things and sometimes i do crazy things even WITHOUT having alcohol or drugs to blame. but still. its good to try.
you are ace. you can overcome it. this is the depression talking. its making you hate yourself and its trying to make you sink to the bottom. it does that to me too. still. so what do i do? ok, sometimes i get out the vodka and pills and go wild. ( i carry vodka with me when i go out, and pills, when i have them, and cigarettes) so there it is. but other times, like TODAY, i dont do pills or vodka !! or smoke! well i had 1 cig today but whooo caresss, 1 is basically nothing at all LOL. well all i can say is - YOU CAN DO IT. you told me this over and over and im starting to believe you!
love you
i know what i just wrote was a load of rambling junk LOL but anyway hope you like it :) xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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I think everyone feels like that from time to time. Hang in there I know you can do it
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im here for you xxxx
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Sometimes I feel like there is nobody that I can talk with. Do not give up. You are a sweet and caring individual.
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Shaz - I understand what you mean and how you feel. I feel like that a lot also.
I have to tell you though - I am here for you. I came back because of you and it may be the same place again - but we are together on this. It feels like that movie groundhog day over and over. lol (((hug)))))
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Look at all the comments Shaz - brush off those footprints to those that have walked over you and be happy to know that you have so many people who love you. I know that in reality when you are sitting in your room, it can be so lonely, but at least you have all your friends in your room when you turn on that computer, i know it isnt the same, but i hope it helps to know you are always thought about.
I read a comment here about a heart of gold and i truly believe that you have .... i'm hardly on here anymore, but when i do log on, i always have a message from you with your caring words, so no matter how distant i get, you always care enough to drop a message - that never goes un-noticed and i very much appreciate that!!.
Dont get angry at your parents for arranged marriages, i am guessing it is how they have been brought up. My Dad is from a different era and sometimes i think he just doesnt understand me too, but doesnt mean to say he cares or loves me less. Anyway, what is wrong with arranged marriages?, wish that was my culture as i can't seem to find a man, haha.
You seem to be going around in circles Shaz when you mentioned you end up back where you started ... what is causing you from breaking free?
xxx
Past Entries
Goal Updated
Shaz, You are loved, You are a very special and caring person... You know you always have me.... I hug you everyday not phyically but mentally.... I love you hon... Just remember you are a very special person in my eyes.... ((((((((((((((Shaz))))))))))))
woovey
Sweetheart! I know where you are coming from. I too, felt alone and unloved most of my life. The hugs that DID come seemed fake to me. It wasn't until I got older (like in my 40's) that I realized I had a strength that no one else in my life had. My strength was knowing how I felt growing up and not wanting ANYONE ELSE to feel that. As my strength grew, so did I. I started HUGGING everyone who was nice to me. At first it felt a little weird...but the response was well worth it. Some of THEM hadn't been loved or hugged while growing up. I started taking all those young kids in who had really messed up lives...lives filled with hate, hurt (physical and mental), fear, depression, etc....and I just LOVED them. It helped me so much to start feeling that love that I missed as a child. It helped me to know that I AM loved, by many who may not even know my name. I guess what I am trying to say is....YOU ARE LOVED, by ME! You are a very sweet young man and you have so much potential. Take your so-called weaknesses and your hurt and your pain and turn it into a positive that can help and guide others who may be feeling the very same that you feel. I'm going through a really hard time with Emily, my 18 yr old. She has had issues with anger and violence. Well, WHY NOT??? That's all she saw for 13 years of her life. Gary was a complete ass to me and all the kids saw it. NEVER did I think she would pick up on all the negative and become like her father, but she did. Now, she's sitting in a jail cell, calling me every 5 minutes, scared to death that her life is over. I told her the very same thing I just told you. Take the negative and make it a positive. Learn and grow and become the kind of adult that so many youth need in their lives. I know you have it in you. You are strong in areas where many are weak, and vice versa. Through Emily, I have learned to love and help. Lots of them have no home. They come here for refuge.
NOW MY DEAR SHAZZY...think about the big picture....not the now...wouldn't that be wonderful to know that you have something to offer those who are less fortunate? Kids nowadays need you and I and Sarah and Laurel and all of us who have gone through some really dark times and are continuing to learn from them. Okay, now that I have bored you to tears...just know that I love you UNCONDITIONALLY! You are special to me and I so appreciate your friendship and your uplifting messages. You are a child of God and no one can take that from you. HE wants you to know your potential. I know you are not of our faith, but I know you believe in a Higher Being. Just know that you are an important piece of the puzzle of life and that HE loves you beyond words!!!
Love,
Me xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
wolfmoon
I hear you Shaz! Just want you to know that you I think you are great! You have a lot of love, compassion and understanding - you have been a great support to me. Please don't bottle up your feelings, you can share whatever you need to here...you have so many people at DS who care about you!
Saz41
I think that you are an amazing person, not to mention an Incredible superhero, Mr. Incredible!! I am truly sory that there were people in your life that made you feel less than you are..they just felt worse about themselves and took it out on you....Once you realize how strong and amazing you are, you will have the strength to tell someone to eff off, if and when it is necessary...believe in you like I believe in you...Love you..xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Consumed
Shaz, I can Identify with a lot of what you wrote. I admire you greatly. You're being honest, getting all that stuff out and that's how you heal.
Georgiexxx
I love you Bubbletrump. It makes me sad to know you're going through that hell. I wish we could chat more about this so that maybe I could help you in some way.
Your friend, Monica Sunflower
monnie
Chshaz,
There's nothing worse than feeling like no one cares when you're going through so much. I haven't written a jornal for awhile so i'll write one in the next few days and maybe you'll be able to relate! You almost feel like the people around you threw you in the deep end and said figure out how to swim or drown cuz i'm not gonna save you! And we've been treading water ever since! I'm with ya Brady!Cassel's got your back!!!!Much Luv!And thank you for sharing this! You're stronger than you think!You'll see!
daddysgirl77
Hey shaz sweetie im here for you. I know about that numb feeling i've felt that many times. You've always got friends sweetie, many online! and we are real friends even though we not seen in person :) love you lots x x x x
Aimeebaby