Journal

aww, you could never hurt me, Jan, you are always such a tower of strength to me.

i suppose i was talking more about my personal life. it happens with people you try to help, but it happens with those you see every day too. it applies to all of us who like to give & give, but then sometimes feel taken advantage of. as strong as any of us are, we still need to get some back! well, i do anyway! lol.

i've been offline for a while as i had a major manic episode. damn, but that one scared the life out of me! i must have been building up to it when i wrote my last entry! i'm fine again now tho & almost back on form! it does seem to have changed me a bit tho. i'm finding i'm not quite as easy-going as i was before it...ive learnt even more how to say "no" & mean it & how to really put myself first!

i find i'm so much happier because of that too. i'm not waiting on others to do nice things for me, then not getting hurt when they don't! course, i still love those i love & still want only to share my experiences etc, thereby helping those going thru similar things. but i seem to be one step removed, if anyone knows what i mean by that! it's not my whole world anymore & i'm not constantly thinking about others. i'm just hoping it's a healthier way to be!

awww, Sassie baby, you do know how to get on my right side! lol. thanks, my darling.

i'm sure i know the main thing that's helped me this time. i hope i'm not repeating myself (who? me? never!), but i had a brilliant quotation that's been a real inspiration. it says; "never make someone a PRIORITY in your life, when you are only an OPTION in theirs". it really has helped me to get a lot into perspective.

we spend our lives giving our all to everyone we try to help etc. worry about others, how they're coping etc. especially on here. we meet so many, with such tragic lives, but what can we do really? nothing beyond what we do already; being here for them, sharing our own experiences, counselling them if needed. but i've been going further than that. i get so involved, then i get upset when someone doesn't need me anymore & cuts me out of their life.

i can feel used & abused sometimes & that doesn't help my already fluctuating moods at all! i know i can be very insecure, so why have i been doing that to myself? why make myself even more insecure than i already am?! lol. course, it's not only in here, but my personal life too; i do tend to give too much too soon. so, i'm learning about protecting my moods & emotions too, learning to wait until i become a priority & not an option...if that does happen! 

ah, aint life wonderful!

thanks, Jan sweetie. yep, happy, but more than that...positive & contented.

my Sassie friend & i email each other & i have to say she's helped me so much. because she's my best friend, i can tell her things i could never put in my journal. i know i've said before that i'm very open, but there are still things i find hard to share. but she has the gift of seeing thru things i write & of getting to the heart of them. sometimes it seems she knows me better than i know myself!

i've changed even more in these last few days. become even more independent & less reliant on other people. i think i can safely say that i really do know now that my happiness etc really doesn't depend on someone else. my life, my responsibility, mine to do with as i please. when others make mistakes, that's their responsibility & when i do that's mine! oh, this is such a great place to be!