djbds1's Journal

OK my great friends out there...

HERE GOES...

 I am soon going to be proposing to my lovely girlfriend...my BEST friend...my true mate...my Ami-baby!!

She knows that I want to propose, however, she does not know that I intend for it to be SOON...and she does not know when or where or how it will be done...HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!

 I have a very creative sense about me...so, I intend to put it to work by making the proposal an incredibly special occasion. Of course, I cannot tip her off at all by making the occasion be something that we NEVER go out to do or someplace that is OBVIOUSLY "above our pay-grade"....would you all agree?

So...I am not looking for advice from you all with regards to when, how, where...and definetely not WHY I am to propose!!! I just want your love, respect, blessings, and commentary!!! I can take constructive-criticism VERY well...so do not be afraid to let me know what is going on in your heads!!!

Most of you do NOT know me well...at all!! That does not mean we are different from one another...I mean...we ALL share a common bond/thread, right?...PAIN...we all live and deal with it!! Here is the catcher...Ami has lived with DDD/chronic back pain for YEARS...so, we are definetely two "hurt" peas-in-a-pod!!!

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OK...

THIS is my main issue...

In order to propose to the girl I love...the one person who has brought my life back together...the one person who makes me feel comfortable in my own skin (without drugs, alcohol, or ANY other vices!!!)...the ONE who does it ALL on her own...

...for me to propose to AMI...I expect nothing less out of myself than to COMPLETELY and UTTERLY shock her with an astoundingly beautiful ring.

I have selected a number of different rings, Ami and I actually picked out one of her favorites just this past week...so she KNOWS that I am bringing this all "down to the wire"...so to speak.

The ring she and I picked out...well, lets just say...for the amount I would have to spend on that ring, I could very easily spend a bit more and get a MUCH more beautiful version; larger center stone, more brilliant/clear cut, less color...it just makes TOO MUCH sense NOT to invest in a ring that has MORE value, MORE brilliance, MORE feeling...a ring that will stand the test of time and REALLY hold its value, however, more importantly...it will be much MORE sentimental seeing as I will surprise her with a DIFFERENT ring than the one we picked out!!!

NOW...for all you ladies out there...I know what you are all thinking...

"If Ami already picked out an engagement ring/band she really likes...maybe it would NOT be wise for Dave to just start picking rings he likes assuming that she will as well..."

OK...in my defense ladies...

Yes...Ami DID in fact pick out an amazing ring. Here is the kicker though...when we were looking at rings that day, Ami had basically decided that there was this one "past, present, future" (real conservative and classic design...no frills) design that she was set on. She was literally trying it on when I say something out of the corner of my eye...in the next case over...

I found a ring that basically had every solid feature that she was looking for; a center stone that has the band "graduating" up to it's sides (instead of just jetting out...something that would constantly "snag" on  clothing and such), the brilliance was there and beautiful, there were 3 sizeable diamonds on each side of the center stone set into the band (so the entire ring was VERY smooth to the touch), it was white gold (a must), and it just looked amazing...so, I asked Ami to take a quick peek in my direction...

Ami did NOT want to look over towards me...she kept asking me why she HAD to look at something which she knew was NOT going to preferred over the PPF design she was trying on...

She FINALLY LOOKED!!! It was such an amazing design/ring that Ami ripped the PPF design off her finger with the quickness!!!! So...now, Ami is completely "SOLD" on that design...

VISIT THIS SITE TO SEE HER PICK...

http://www.zales.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2247321

OK...so, that ring is AMAZING...I will not lie. I PICKED IT...how would it NOT be amazing?!! HEHEEE ;)

Here is the thing though...that design is great, however, it is VERY basic...it is VERYMUCH a simple Zales design; no frills, no much of a smooth integration of looks, basically...I feel like it is missing something...do any of you ladies agree???

Check this one out instead...

http://www.romanticcreation.com/ZoomView.aspx?type=ER&pcode=258&shape=RD

You know...they are a bit different, although, the setting concepts are fairly similar. What I like about the second one is the "seemless" integration of the diamonds into the band...almost as if they are naturally together. The Zales ring looks to me as if the diamonds and white gold settings are very "seperated"...AM I MAKING ANY SENSE????

Well...what is important to me...is that AMI is pleased...scratch that...AMI should be jumping off the walls when I present the ring to her...as long as we are not in a nice restaurant; they probably do not encourage the pregnant customers to jump on the tables, right?

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LONG-STORY SHORT KIDDOS... I need HELP!!

Could anybody loan me $4,000.00??? I am good for it!!!

Just kidding...or...am I?? 

Here is the thing...to all of you out there...all of my amazing support group!!!...

I am BROKE...I live off $1000/month disability between permanent disability and SSI. I am not sure if any of you are aware of the cost of living in California...but it is HIGH. My rent is $450...and I have medical expenses, phone (only use a cell...makes it easier...and cheaper not to have a home line as well),  car insurance, oh...and CAR PAYMENT (my baby...the lil Honda hatchback...well...it bit the dust over a year ago and Ami was kind enough to help me apply/finance a 2004 Mitsubishi Lancer...I LOVE the fact that I have a "semi-new" vehicle that WORKS and has an exteneded warranty!!)...dont forget the cost of FOOD and GAS...and household bills/materials/expenses!!!

Basically...my living costs FAR outweigh the amount of money I bring in every month...it really sucks to live this way

So...I do NOT want to waste ANY time...I REALLY would like to propose to Ami no later than the end of October!!! 

I am in no way rushing into a marriage because of her pregnancy...in fact...Ami and myself have been speaking about marriage (with FIRM opinions/wishes/commitments/desires) for over a year now!!! I am 27...and as of yesterday (9/05)...Ami is 27. I know we have the rest of our lives ahead of us, but the thing is; I want the rest of my life ahead to be right beside my babygirl...Ami. Just the two of us...together...a family...the next generation of our families' heritage!!

SO, because I KNOW what needs to be done at this point; I am faced with an EXTREME dilemma!!

I HAVE NO money. As I mentioned previously...my costs of living (bare minimum/modest/humble/under my means) far outweigh the disability money I receive monthly.

I have NO savings.

I have NO clear-cut equity in anything. 

I could sell ALL my music production/dj equipment and the 2000 CDs/200 LPs I own...probably worth (in the entirety) around $50,000.00!! I bet you all that I would not be able to get more than $2000 for all of it!!!

        -Thing is...I have spent over 15 years compiling all of these things...and I HAVE sold much of my old DJ equipment only to get less than 10% of what I paid back. Ami does NOT want me to EVER touch any of those belongnings with the intent to sell...that is a STRICT decision she has ALREADY MADE!!! 

         -Ami collects globes...and I KNOW she would NEVER touch them with the intent to sell...so, I can understand where she is coming from. Plus...music/dj'ing/production is theraputic  for me...it would be detrimental to my mindstate to sell off that stuff!!

I basically have no clear-cut way of how to do this!!!

OH...just in case any of you are thinking I should just go and get a line of credit....sorry folks!!!

 I am continually trying to fix my credit...my score is not that great, but not that bad either. The problem is that almost $30,000 worth of medical bills that were supposed to have been paid by work comp were NOT...so I have ended up owing Kaiser a load of cash that I cannot pay. This has ruined my credit beyond imagination...30 days late, 60 days, 90 days...and on. I ruined my credit when I was younger because I had HORRIBLE money spending practices. Go figure, once I started to be much more responsible with my finances, I was injured and SMACK...a bunch of BILLS I CANNOT PAY!!!

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I would easily create a "donation" site in order to raise money for the engagement ring!! So that it would make sense...I would donate 30% of the money raised to St. Judes Medical Research Center for Children.

Does that sound like an absolutely foolish, greedy, self-centered, ridiculous, and/or desperate idea? 

I am just thinking...since I am dead broke...I cannot let it STOP me from moving on with my life. I have suffered through 4 years of horrible pain/surgeries/etc...I am NOT going to let that system RUN my life as if I was never meant to escape the cycle!! My life is right in front of me...staring me down HARD. If I do not "reach out and grab it", it WILL pass me by and most likely never present itself  ever again.

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I KNOW that someone out there has a way, someone out there has the advice I am seeking...

Do any of you have a way for me to make this thing happen the way I want it to??

How can I come up with 5K-10K in 1-2 months??? That is a load of money, however, if it can manifest into a bite-sized piece of the hardest material on the planet...then...I am willing to spend it with ABSOLUTELY NO LOOKING BACK!! I could very easily find ways to spend that much money on something else...something for the house, the car, or just something screwy for fun!! What is important to me...AMI...that is whats important. What else?...our child...that is whats important.

So...once again...

I AM NOT asking for money from any of my beautifully supportive friends here on DailyStrength...

I am just asking for HELP!!! How do I get the ring by late October?? I am NOT going to "miss" my opportunity to propose just because October comes and goes, however, it would just be more fitting that I am able to do so. Ami deserves that kind of happiness. Our child deserves a mommy, a daddy, and...a FAMILY. 

My very first step was SUPPOSED to be the "family unit"...the marriage was meant to happen first (we actually had planned on 09/09/09)...then the baby.

Well...life throws beautiful "curve balls" sometimes as it did 13 weeks ago with us!!!

HELP ME PLEASE!!!

Your good friend, supporter, and "pain buddy"----

Dave M

Well, regarding Ami and my baby to be born...my pops knows...my mom knows...Ami's mom knows, HOWEVER...she has not told her "dad".

He is actually not her REAL father...Ami's real dad was in a fatal car accident when she was young, mom remarried this new guy...and they had a son (Ami's half-brother).

Problem was...this guy was verbally abusive, drank heavily, and eventually...he began beating Ami's brother...to the point of actually BREAKING bones.

What could make that any worse?? Well...the guy was a COP. He was discharged from the police force when; one evening, he decided to shoot off his handgun into the air (outside of their house)...his police co-workers arrested him and that was that. Ami's mom FINALLY got the sense about her to divorce him. No monetary settlement...no long divorce process...she just parted ways as QUICK AS POSSIBLE!!

Anyway...now that you all know what Ami's "so-called" dad (stepdad, I guess) was like...you can understand why she does not necessarily have him on the top of the list with regards to knowing about our baby!!

Well...I think things are looking up for Ami and myself...and our soon-to-be only child!!...that was, of course...until yesterday.

I am in SoCal for doc appointments staying with a best friend...

Yesterday,once I was done with my doctor appointment...I had 15 missed calls from my other best friend (Brian)...which NEVER happens...

For reasons still yet fully unknown...my best friend James was admitted to UC Irvine Trauma unit and subsequently into the ICU in CRITICAL condition. He is STILL unconscious, tubes EVERYWHERE, blood being pumped from the lungs and stomach, arm and legs swollen, and in general...one of the scariest things I could ever imagine looking at...my BEST FRIEND in serious condition.

James was BY MY SIDE through over 7 surgeries, he stayed with me at the hospital many times, he gave me rides to and from the surgery center, he took care of me and bought groceries when I was incapable of moving...he TOOK CARE OF ME when I was layed up in a HOSPITAL BED.

I CANNOT WITHSTAND looking at the most amazing friend I know...laying in a hospital bed unconscious...it HURTS ME INSIDE. I feel responsible...he MIGHT have overdosed on medications that came out of my travel bag! I have accounted for ALL of my medications, however, the POLICE seem to think I am to blame.

I know James would NEVER take medications from my bag. He is NOT that person...however, now I think I have some type of responsibility for his condition...WHY? Why cant I shake that feeling? I HATE IT! I dont want to be the "friend" that the family looks at to point the finger. I feel like everyone is blaming me...I DO NOT feel good about myself right now. I feel absolutely helpless, hopeless, and worthless.

What makes this situation worse?

Ami is NOT with me, she is battling horrible morning-sickness, debilitating pain from her incisions (from her disc replacement of almost 2 years back), and I have NO power to help.

What else could possibly make this situation worse??

I can DEFINETELY answer that...

Last week, after my father was bit by a dog (about 10 days after the bite), he went to the doctor because he had a painful rash, some small sores, and severe burning/itching skin...located on his arm, armpit, and chest. His regular doctor was NOT in, he was told the doctor would NOT be in until much later, and pops was then seen by the Physician Assistant.

First thing she does...

She goes ONLINE to figure out what the symptoms represent!! Come on!!! What the hell do these people go to decades of med school for if they are gonna use WEBMD.com to diagnose?!?!???

Her diagnosis...

"Well, I am fairly sure that it is NOT shingles..."

OK, if you CONSIDERED shingles as a possiblity...wouldn't it be right to assume that shingles is a strong possibility? The thing was...she was "sure" it was not shingles, however, she did NOT have a specific diagnosis other than that!!

So...she treated it as if the bite just happened that day. He was given multiple STRONG shots/pills of anti-biotics, charged $420.00 (no insurance, of course)...and sent home with NO instructions for care. Oh, and on the way out of the exam room...who was standing there?? Yea...the DOCTOR was there the entire time.

2 days later, the rash/blisters had spread, became more painful, and irritating...so he went BACK to the doc (who was there this time).

What do you think the VERY FIRST words out of the docs mouth were regarding a diagnosis??

Give up? He said..."100% positive that this is a case of SHINGLES..." Pops was instructed to immediately discontinue the anti-biotics (because they were actually making the shingles WORSE). He was sent home with NO new instructions or medications...

Well, I just found out this morning that my dad is bedridden...he CANNOT move from laying on his side. The blisters are nickel-sized and have spread violentely into his armpit.

He is explaining the pain to me as the WORST PAIN he has EVER EXPERIENCED. Put it this way; over his lifetime...my dad has accidentely put a nail through his thumb from a nailgun, he has broken 4 ribs in the back region, he has endured 2 horrible hernias, his Achilles tendon was SEVERED, and that is just the tip of the iceberg with regards to pain...

If my dad is saying this pain is the worst...I could not begin to imagine HOW bad it actually is.

He is explaining the pain as hypersensitive burning/tearing/ripping of his flesh...aching/dull/sore...shooting/stabbing  of the skin.

Basically, my dad is experiencing the pain I have (daily in my groin), although, he is feeling it in TREMENDOUSLY strong doses all at ONCE.

Shingles is a crippling recurrence (awakening of the dormant chicken-pox virus) of what most of us remember from childhood...but 1000% worse. I have ACTUALLY HAD shingles back in 2003...although, I was given an IMMEDIATE anti-viral med. Thankfully for me, I healed up with MINIMAL pox scars.

The thing is...shingles can (if not treated properly in the first 72hrs) cause BLINDNESS, DEAFNESS, LOSS OF FACIAL MUSCLE CONTROL, ORGAN DAMAGE, PAINFUL SCARRING, PERMANENT SCALE-LIKE SKIN LESIONS, BACTERIAL SKIN INFECTION, POSTHERPETIC NEURALGIA (AN ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE NERVE PAIN), AND ONE OF THE WORST PROBLEMS...

Shingles can lead to ALLODYNIA: pain from the slightest touch of the skin such as a slight breeze over the skin or contact of clothing on the skin.

I HAVE ALLODYNIA in my groin, right thigh, and genitals...I would not WISH THIS TYPE OF PAIN on the world's worst evildoers...NEVER.

I CANNOT keep my composure right about now...I am like a little child lost in the woods with no sense of how to get out, why I should leave, or if there is ANY hope of finding escape...EVER.

I really do NOT understand the mentality of a doctor who sees their patient, diagnoses them with a VERY severe condition, and then just SENDS THEM ON THEIR WAY with NO INSTRUCTIONS/DISCHARGE INFO or sense of what is going to happen!!! WHO DOES THAT??? I know who...a doctor who obviously cared about one thing...and ONE THING ONLY...$$$. Yea...that doctor made $600+ dollars off my dad for a grand-total of 10 minutes face-to-face consultation/examination...just 2 visits...$600???

Whats worse?? YEA...it DOES GET WORSE.

My buddy James has NO INSURANCE. He has already gone through paramedic care, critical ambulance transport/care, critical ER care, and now he is working on DAY #2 in the SURGICAL INTENSIVE CARE UNIT (for trauma patients).

Do any of you know what ONE ambulance ride can cost a NON-INSURED individual??? Well, I can tell you this...medical insurers charge upwards of $2000 for ambulance care. God knows a night in the ICU probably costs $10,000.

Well, I am signing off...

If anyone has some support...PLEASE send it my way!! ANY PRAYERS are MORE THAN WELCOME.

I just found out some amazing news!!

My better half is 8 weeks pregnant!! So I guess that makes her my better 2/3rds??

I am at a loss for words right now...so I just want to let you all know that...there is hope for pain relief...at least if only for a few minutes with good news