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tazgore 
6:25am Friday
My wife got some good news two days ago. She has been offered a job at the Humane Society of Louisiana. She could not remember the job title, but its the Director of (Coordinating volenteers, and all fund raisers). She is so happy about this. She has been volenteering there since April, and she has already raised a ton of money for the Humane Society. This type of work is right up her ally. She gets to help animals and everyone she is contact with appreciates her efforts. Win win for her. Her salery is sort of up to her... she makes a percentage of what she raises, so she could end up actually makeing more than me which is fantastic.
Now for the dark side. When she told me the news I was very happy and relieved (we have serious finacial problems), but not neccesarially for the reasons that seem obvious. In the back of my head i was thinking of the day where we catch up to our bills, and she makes more than me, she would be at that point self sufficeiant. She would not need me anymore and i would have no more moral obligations to this world. I could finally end it guilt free. I just need to hold on for a few more months... get her setup.
This is what's going through my mind. What the hell is wrong with me? this weekend i purposfully stoped taking my meds so that i could get to that state where i would not chiken out on suicide. My wife could see the difference in me and watched while i took the meds again. So now here i am... "leveling" back out. yea right. Thinking of long term suicide plans, mixed with the urge to just get it over with right now, puting on the "happy face". I'm going to work. I'm trying to get things done, wich is still very hard for me escepcilly when i just don't see the point anymore. I just feel numb, and empty. A usless shell of a man who once had direction in life. If I would have never admited to the SA last year would i be in this mess right now? I feel like maybe it was the worst desicion of my life to open up my mouth and say what happened. I have friends her at DS who have tried to help me, and for there efforts i fear that i have made life worse for them. I am trully sorry for that. One of my friends said that i should thing of the things that i really want in my life other than death. Complete isolation from all people? I don't see that happening. Get into a wreck and live the rest of my life out in a comma? Really hard to orcastrait. i just don't know. I hate being a burden on people. Perhaps i should just delet my account here and stop wasting bandwith space on the DS server.
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i wish i could be there to give you a hug right now. to just sit with you, perhaps hold your hand... just so you know that SOMEONE cares about you. about what you're going through. you're not a burden Keith. only in your mind. there are so many people who love you. who are SINCERELY ROOTING for you, only because they KNOW YOU CAN DO IT. i believe that. YOU ARE BETTER THAN YOUR ABUSE. and if you'd never openend your mouth last year, guess what? you'd still be having the same problems. the aftereffects of SA don't wait til a "convenient" time in your life. we don't get to pick and choose when (or if) we want the SA issues to crop up. it is far far better to name your enemy than to flail blindly through Life. naming your demons takes a big chunk out of their power. especially the SA demons, because as you know, SA thrives on silence. based on what you've told me about your work, etc. i am wondering if you are seeing a therapist on a regular basis? you REALLY need to, Keith. and as far as money, there are plenty of therapists that work on a sliding scale fee, and lots of state funded agencies that have therapists who will see you for free. another option is to call 1-800-SUICIDE... or check out the RAINN website at www.rainn.org. PLEASE BELIEVE THAT THINGS WILL GET BETTER. maybe not tomorrow, or even 6 months from now. but what if 7 months from now, you have a breakthrough and things start leveling out? why throw that away? and what kind of lesson will you be setting for your son if you take your life? that is such a cop out!! SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER. because then you lose. your abusers win. is that what you want? do you want THEM to win? have you put whatever "strength" into your life so far, just to throw it all away... because of things THEY did? why should you give up your life, and they keep living? or their legacy? YOU MUST NOT QUIT. YOU CANNOT GIVE UP. you are ALREADY a survivor. now, you just have to hang on a little while longer and THRIVE. you can do it Keith. find a therapist. some of them will do sessions with you over the phone, since you travel so much. please, please check into this. or at least call that 800 number above. they can give you practical advice, and believe me i'm sure THEY'VE HEARD EVERY POSSIBLE EXPERIENCE. you are not alone. much love, hugs and PRAYERS going out for you tonight and in the next weeks and months. please email me if you want to chat or "talk". i am here if you want to vent, scream, rage, cry, whatever. it's not important that i have not ever met you. you're a human. that is enough. - lots of love, Jo
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