tazgore's Journal

It seems that almost everyone who knows of my problems has suggested to me that i should write a journal every day. I've never been much on that sort of thing, but i'll give it a try. I think i should start with a small glimps of the past few days. Rotten. Well maybe a little bit more verbos. Things were going fairly well, and then one at a time everything started to fall apart. First thing is that last week my boss informs me that since i am an employee with less than one year, I have no vacation time. I used my sick days taking care of my wife. Long story short, the week that i stayed in the hospital i was docked in pay for. We are already suffering financially. I still cant figure out how i can possibly pay all of the bills. Then something very simple got inbetween my wife and I. We were going to wake up and go to church on Sunday morning. I needed to wake up early to get my son up so he could go run for an hour. (cross country training). Well I got him up and running, and then i got side tracked. Instead of taking a shower, waking up my wife and getting ready, I started to play a computer video game. Lost track of time. I did get into the shower before my son got home, but he was already back before I got out. By the time he was done with his shower church was starting in 10min. I woke my wife up and told her what time it was and she was furious. I can uderstand her frustration, i know i should have kept track with time better. towards the end of the day, we were talking again and it seemed like things were going to be alright. This is crazy, this jounaling. I am of course telling the story from my own perspective. Even if i am telling the truth as i know it, which i am, the "truth" still may not be completely factual. Its all usless. Just one man's interpitation of what happend. More of a journal of what i feel instead of facts. Oh well, enough rambeling. Later that evening we went grocery shopping. When we got home we relized that we had forgotten the tolit paper. I offered to go run real quick and get it. She told me very spacificly which one she wanted, so i went. I found what i thought that she had described, and purchased it. It was a 24 pack for like $15. She fliped her lid. She said that the one that she had discribed was the cheapist one, not one of the most expensive ones. My whole problem whith that whole situation is that she somtimes will give me very specific instructions for things with out telling me what her intentions are. If she had simply said go and buy the cheapist 24 pack that they have, then thats what i would have done. Anyway, depression, anxiety, and anger all mixed up hit me. I gave up, and went upstairs to be alone. I have craweld with in myself even more. It gets worse. I recently did a show where our talent were American Idol look alikes. The show was actually a birthday party for this very rich lady. Her husband hired all of us to do the show. The final suprise in the whole show was that the real Adam Lambert was there and he sang last. My wife had asked if she could go. It is important to note that she is also a freelance writer for "Where'yat" a local magazine. Well this was a private party so she could not come. Apparently the husband had invited a writer from "New Orleans Magazine". The day after the show was over i was trying to tell her that every one was real happy with our work, and i mentioned that the show was getting a write up in "New Orleans Magazine". She is so angry with me now. I mean i can see where she would feel a little hurt that another writer was invited and not her, but she has turned her anger twoards me. Now here we are today. I had a therapy session in the morning. The bridge that I usually use had an overturned tanker truck on it. I dropped my son off at school late. Went to therapy where my boss calls me 5 times in a row. ( i was ignoring the calls since it was still only 8:30am). I go to my car and when i open the door, the edge of the door slams into my forhead, leaving a lump. My boss's calls was because somebody suddenly called him at 8am wanting a projector setup imediatly. So now i am racing to the office get the projector then race to the hotel that the client is at, and when i get there they basically say, nevermind. I feel like i am trying to walk a strait line waist deep in the ocean. The waves keep crashing and knocking me off course. And then mix all of that with nightmares and flashbacks? I know that suicide is not supposed to be the answer, but sometimesit looks so good. I don't want to be rich, or famous, or be the best at a sport or something like that. I just want it to end. If I could live in a log cabin up in the mountains, totally alone, that would be cool. I used to look forward to things... now i just hope to find silence and peace in whatever form it may come.