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tazgore 
6:25am, November 20, 2009
In the past few months i've had a LOT of financial problems. I had been an independent contractor in the video production buisness, and work was getting harder to come by. I was actually two months behind on my mortgage. Not good. Well this past week i took a full time job with great pay and benifets. I was able to talk to the mortgage company and creat a plan of catching up (now that i have an income i can count on). What a stress releiver right? Well now that every thing looks like its going to be ok and i can calm down about it... everything about the abuse is now hiting me again. Yesterday was bad. I have to drop my son off at school way before i need to be at work, and our house is accross the river from school and work. Durning rush hour the traffic on THE bridge can get real bad, so there is no since in me trying to go back home. I had decided to go to the park and ride my unicyle. By the time i get there i am already starting to cry. I tried to ignore it and rode a little, but my heart wasnt into it. I put it away and woke up my wife with the phone and talked to her for almost an hour. She made me feel better, but the rest of the day i had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had gotten fooled. I thought that i was doing better. I had'nt had flashbacks in a while, no nightmares or anything like that. all of this time it was the finacial stress that hid my SA problems.
Frustraiting!!
Ive got a show today so i gotta push everything back and be the guy everyone depends on. I cannot let this mess up my new job.
Comments
I think it was you that told me when you get into a safe place, and feel secure is when these waves come up. Remember the good news is that you are safe, and that you do have that job. I can relate to how you feel, The crying the pain, even in public, You are blessed that you can talk to your wife and she is understanding. I thought I was doing so much better too, then BAM! I don't know why it's like this, but I think we should just let it happen, and get all that shit out. It's funny how our minds can protect us and not work on the problem when we have other stressors, but now that your mind is ready to work on it, it's a signal of readiness for healing. Sorry you were crying at the park, I wish your wife and friends and me were all there supporting you and giving you hugs. This healing process..IDk, sometimes it can be confusing, and sometimes we just have to focus on not messing our lives up anymore. Keeping our jobs, not hurting ourselves, ...eating i guess.. Sending you lots of healing, calming vibes, and a cozy warm blue blanket to wrap yourself in. We can get to the other side of this. Pamela
AZVegan
you're both correct, our subconcious (or our Protector) waits until it feels like the body is in a safe place. whether literally or psychologically - doesn't matter. as long as it feels safe, THEN it's okay for suppressed feelings and issues to come up, because there is less chance of us getting re-victimized, and we are in a healthier mental and emotional state so better able to handle the issues. you might not feel like you were in a better mental and emotional state, but the fact is, that you were more relaxed, less stressed, everything seemed to be coming together. PERFECT time to for stuff to be worked on (or so your subconscience thinks). after all, you would probably have CAVED IN, had all this current shit hit you WHILE you were stressing about your late mortgage, finding a new job, being there for your wife and child... you wouldn't have been able to handle it then.
although no time, seems to be the right time, you subconscience has to make a choice to churn up stuff when the opportunity arises, or continually stuff things down. yep, the healthy thing is to work on stuff, as often as it's "safe" to do so, so that we can gradually heal. that IS the goal, right? but i admit, it DOES suck, to have all this shit hit you now.
sometimes i just wish i could go for like 3 months without having to deal with "something", you know? like when the rest of my life falls into place, could i PLEASE NOT have to deal with any SA stuff... just have a little "breather"?!
i have a horrible time crying, but then when i do, it always seems to spring up in the most public of places. i've been "surprised" in the grocery store before, and had to just leave my buggy full of groceries and race out to my car. SUCKS I TELL YA!
but i'm glad you were able to release some of that emotions. sometimes, the stuff our subconscience pushes up isn't anything THING or ISSUE we need to work on. sometimes all it is, is some EMOTION we need to let out. body memories are stored in many different mediums or ways. sometimes, what gets released is a flash back... sometimes it's an emotion. either way, it NEEDS to come out. like you rightly mentioned, in a previouse entry, "the only way out, is through."
a quote that i love, from Winston Churchill is this: "If you're going through hell, keep going."
hang in there, my friend. you know i'm here if you want to hit me up with a PMessage or to chat.
~ Jo
iamjoey