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tazgore 
6:25am Friday
Saturday was my last day of this out of town gig that i was on. I went home Sunday very early in the am. I am very glad to be home now, but Saturday was not such a good day.
Last week my Mom had called me while i was in the car with my wife and son. She wanted to know how i was doing with the thearapy. Well instead of answering her i simply said, " yea we are all in the car going home right now". She got the hint and asked me to call her when i can talk freely. Saturday evening after the show was done and i had nothing to do, it seemed like a good oppertunity. The phone conversation went well enough. I told her that things were going well with the therapy, and that things are working out. She told me some nice things, i told her some nice things and then i hung up the phone. Almost immediatly i lost it. I could not stop crying. I made a post here on DS called, "stop". I glad i had taken typing in high shcool because i could not even see the keyboard as i was typing. My wife decided to call just then, i talked to here on the phone for an hour. I called my sister and talked to her. I tried to stay awake as long as I could that night. I had to get up at 4am to catch a flight home but i did not want to sleep that night. I think i went to sleep around 1am. sure enough i had a nightmare. I was walking in the field where it happend as an adult. I saw the abuse happining. I ran over and tried to stop it, but i was like a gost. I could not stop it. my punches went right through him. The child that was me could not hear my screams. All i could do was watch. i felt helpless and sick.
Morning came. I caught a cab. Caught the flight. Got home. Huge hugs, Kisses. When my wife and i got alone we started talking about what had happend that Saturday. She thought that maybe i reacted to my conversation with my mom the way i did, because everything was not alright even though i was telling her that it was. That maybe i needed to call her back and tell her all of the truth. She told me that my Mom would want to know even if it hurts. And thats when it hit me. I always say that its going to be ok. I always say that there is nothing wrong. I am always hidding the way i feel so that the people around me, the people that i love won't have to be sad. I called my Mom again on Sunday. I told her that i was not ok, and that it still hurts, and that i am still ashamed, and that i cant stop it and it just all came out. I could tell that i was breaking her heart, but i could also tell that she also wanted to know the truth of how i felt. We talked for a while. I feel a little better today. I guess it was the releasing of a lot of pentup emotions. Ive gotten real good at hidding the way i feel. i need to work on that.
Comments
I am so happy for you that you let it out, and maybe your wife was right, you were still holding it in, maybe that's why you had that dream, I'm glad you got to release all those emotions that you were holding in for so long, I'm glad you could talk to your mom and tell her the truth, Still, i don't think I could Ever talk to my mom and Anyone in my family, I am like you, I hide my emotions from them ,I don't want them to know me because they are not nice. you are so couragouse and strong, we got to get all this past energy out of us. That must've been a trippy dream, but still a feeling of powerlessness, Maybe the dream just wanted you to observe it so you could get into touch with your emotions, your were punching him, that means you got into touch with anger towards him? Maybe it's showing that there is still this unfinished business that needs to be resolved, we can no longer ignore this, We Must Heal. Your subconciouse is trying to find balance, seems very normal. It's saying you can not ignore this pain, you must heal it, you must move thru it. I'm so glad you have a loving caring wife and mother you can talk to about this. I can not talk to my husband or mom about this. My husband says things like, " I would've known" and "Didn't you hear about stranger danger" My mom went to the abusers house and comforted him when I told her, she's so twisted. Anyway, You are very blessed to have those people in your life. You are Very Blessed in Many ways.
wishing for you the best of Everything!!
Pamela
AZVegan
see? i knew you had it in you to tell your TRUE feelings. so it took some crying, a "therapeutic nightmare", and talking to your wife to get you to open up. so next time you'll do better; next time it will take less. don't beat yourself up Taz, you've heard me quote it before "you do what you know how to do, when you know better, you do better". having kept your abuse inside for 30 something years why should you expect opening up to come so naturally now? you need to pat yourself on the back because you are doing a lot of hard work. i am VERY proud of you. (just a side note: did you somehow know that you were going to have a nightmare; is that why you were fighting sleep? what do you think that means?)
iamjoey
yea, i remember that i was afraid to go to sleep because of nightmares. I thought that because i had a very stressed day that day that i would have even worse nightmares. I dont know if i had the nightmare because i was afraid of having it, or if i just knew that it was going to happen.
tazgore