tazgore's Journal

Ok i went to therapy yesterday, and I still feel horrible. And add to the fact that i've got more to think on now. I told her about the snap shot image in my mind and how it was just so prevasive in my thoughts. Well we talked about a lot of things and then she asked me if i ever engage in destructive behaivor. I asked do you mean like cutting? because then the answer is no. Then she said that it could be just doing very dangerous things. Again I aske do you mean with the intent of harming myself? She said no, just habitualy doing things that are dangerous. Well that describes my life. I mean as a kid I cant tell you how many times i could have died from the thing that i have done; Cliff climbing with no ropes or harnesses; "urban surfing" standing on the roof of a car while it is driving; Driving at night with no lights on down a small curvy country road as fast as i can. This list goes on and on. Even in my adult life i do a lot of stupid things. I never thought of it as self distructive nature, just fun. She was saying that a lot of times when somebody who was sexually abused, They will do a lot of dangerous things for the adrellinan rush, as a way of getting getting around the depression.

I find it more frustrating than ever to realize that my life has been guided by such basic instinct and that i have never been truly in control. Its like my whole life can be broken down to simple chemical reactions. It leaves me wondering who i really am. How different would i be if it never happend? Would i be as gental and caring of other people and of animals? Or would i have learned how to be a womanizer like my Dad?

I just dont know.