Journal

you are just FANTASTIC. you have the biggest heart, and i'm SOOO glad you're my friend.

i'm getting all emotional thinking about how excited you are to be doing all of this. it will surely be a Life Changing experience for you. make sure you let us in on the goings-ons. (btw, doesn't your wife work for the Humane Society? i think you mentioned that in an entry not too long ago. i bet she is SO PROUD of you, as is your son, as well they should be.) YOU ROCK, KEITH!!

i am ECSTATIC that you now are a GREEN HAPPY FACE!! good meds, great friend, have a fantastic day!

:)

hmmm... i thought about this for a while, and this is what i come up with.

1) do you think that you could be transposing one pond memory onto another. like combining two different occasions? maybe one time you swam across the pond, but nothing happened that time. then you didn't swim across the pond, the time that the abuse happened? just a thought...

2) what WOULD it mean for you, that perhaps there was only one occasion (pond swim and abuse the one time) and that you DID take your clothes off? what would be different in your life if there WAS more abuse? see, i "suffer" from the same missing memories thing, because sometimes (although i remember EVERY THING, but not this) i think that there was some other abuser besides Mr. X, because i was too "sexual" at an early age. i sometimes think there is a reason why i don't like to be penetrated. (sorry if that is too graphic, but there it is...) i don't remember any penetration ever, by anyone, but i have HUGE problem with that. so i do ask myself... what if i WAS penetrated? what would that mean for me today? would i be ANY different than i am now? would missing memories REALLY help/hinder me all that much in my Healing?

i don't know the answer to your conundrum or mine. i really don't. i KNOW how that feels - to not know. i also KNOW how crazy it can make you thinking about... what if? omg, do i KNOW about that?

but one thing i also know, is that our body holds ALL memories - whether tangible or intuitive. our subconscious acts as our Protector, and as such it represses what it feels we are not ready to deal with (IF such a thing/memory exists). the hardest thing to do, is to trust that primal part of us. however, one thing i DO know, is that whatever MIGHT be stored will surface when IT is ready to (as opposed to when YOU CONSCIOUSLY want it to); when your subconscious knows that you are in a "safe" place - mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, psychologically, physiologically, etc.

if something else happened, then it might not be the time for you remember it right now, because doing so might be very detrimental to you. just like when you're trying to remember something trivial - a book, the name of a song, or person, and it's on the tip of your tongue... the more you try to recall it, the further it slips from your mind. however, once you "give up" trying to remember, and focus on SOMETHING else... BAM! it all of a sudden just pops into your mind.

i believe repressed memories are like that.

i don't know if this is the answer that you wanted, but i hope it at least gives you something to think about. i know how FRUSTRATING it can be to have a missing memory or an unexplained occurance. i'm sorry that ANY of that horrible, horrible experience had to happen to you. i truly am. you're just such a WONDERFUL person, and EVEN BETTER friend, and you didn't deserve what that bastard did to you.

i'm so sorry about it all.

love & hugs...

good journal comment. i would suggest that you keep asking yourself those questions you posed. see where they lead you. you might feel differently one day from the next... just keep track of any changing "answers" or feelings about the situation. churn that subconscious up, baby!! lol

regarding the 2 therapists. yeah, i can see where the free therapist, although now with your knowledge that she was sexually abused, can be seen now in a much different light from the professional therapist. that really reinforces what i believe, that paper doesn't really MEAN anything, in the grand scheme of things.

also, like you wrote in another journal entry, there is a difference in those who know about SA, and those who "know" about SA. your paid therapists knows about SA because that's what he studied (psychology, etc.), but your other therapist, although she is free... "knows" about SA because she has had that experience.

some questions for you:
- what would you think if you found out that your paid/professional therapist also was SA abused? who would have more merit?
- why do you think that having a therapist who is a SA survivor means so much more to you?
- do you think a monetary price can be put on experience?
no right or wrong answers, just some tools to help you dig a little deeper into this new development...

i understand the difficulty and resultant disbelief of this difficulty, in writing a letter to your abuser. my first therapist (back in NY) had asked me to write a letter to my sister (Mr. X's wife). although, not the same as a letter to Mr. X himself, i too, thought it would be very easy to write. yeah... i was wrong.

when you really think about it though, why should feelings about the abuse come easy to you? you didn't speak about it for 30 something years, and even now you have a very hard time talking about it to your wife and others. so, what makes you think the feelings would just pour out of you? they're buried very deeply, and i'm going to guess that although you WANT to do this exercise, your fear of being ENGULFED by your feelings, is keeping your mind/body/spirit... stuck. it's like you're being asked to open up the DAM that holds in all those feelings you've stuffed away for so long. sure, it's "JUST A THERAPEUTIC EXERCISE" but it can be very scary to do this. i mean, to keep from being drowned in emotions, you probably want to open it 'just a crack' and maybe see, and then pick a few feelings you see floating around inside you.

trouble is, what if you're just not strong enough to keep it open only a "crack"? what if the pent up force of your repressed feelings... pushes you back and just... BURSTS open? don't be surprised at how hard it is to get your feelings out and down on "paper". it is wonderful that you are observing your reaction to the exercise and pondering what it all means. that's how growth occurs. most times NOT in the actual steps taken, but the processes (mental, psychological, etc.) that lead up to any kind of action.

one last thing, you might want to consider that if your paid therapist has NOT been SAd, that maybe their thoughts/input can have a LOT of value, still, to you, in that they are able to see a different piece of the picture. there's a lot to learn from non-SA therapists as well.

YOU ARE DOING A FANTASTIC JOB in your journaling, Keith. who knew you were going to go this deep? i'm so proud of you, and glad that you are getting lots of benefit from your therapists. please keep journaling. a LOT of times, what you write makes me look at MY OWN situation as well! :)

((hugs))