Journal

I am so sorry honey.. I know coming from me there is probably not much I can say to make you feel better.. please don't feel bad. I have so totally been there and it is just no fun. I am ALWAYS here for you no matter what. I would give anything in the world to help you. Lots and lots of love coming your way!

It is so wonderful that you are moving on in you life and making the most of everything. Working on you is so important. You are such a wonderful and courageous person; for all you have been through you've come out stronger.

I do understand how it feels when all of the friends you make (on DS) fall pregnant. For a while it seemed everyone whom I befriended got pregnant. I was very happy for them ( mean we all have the same goal and want it so much) but it was still hard not seeing my life change. I imagine in your case it is harder, but I know very soon you will have a child one way or another and you will be a stupendous mommy. When your child arrives you will have so much to celebrate.

HUGS.

Bless your heart.. I am so sorry for your struggles and wish you the best outcome possible. Glad that you are doing better... keep the faith!

I so know how you're feeling b/c I've been there. Please don't feel badly about the way you feel b/c it's so normal. It takes time for we women with IF issues to finally get pg ...for some of us it happens quickly while for others, it takes a bit or even much longer but I think (not positive) that everyone I know thru my Resolve groups have eventually become mommies and it will happen to you too. hugs

I know how you feel. One day we will get to join them. I just know it. I am happy that you are feeling better though. Take care of yourself. XOXOXO Jessica

It's so easy to feel that way. I felt that way forever too. But you will get your chance and then someone else will feel left out and you will feel bad (just like I do and probably most of the other girls who are pregnant or moms already) for getting lucky after years of struggle. It's all part of the ugliness of IF. I am so glad that you are feeling better though and hoping that positive vibe hangs on for a long time. Where are you guys headed now with your path to parenthood? Still thinking about adoption or are you going to try some sort of ART again? XXX

Hey there!! I know how you feel, I've been there for about 17 years now, & for me it hasn't gotten any better, I'm still not out of the woods yet!!! I have a 21 year old niece that I thought would have kids before me!!! You are not alone & I wish I could just hug you!! because I know what you are feeling & it ain't good, but know that one day it will happen for you!! You are young & strong & I know you will get there!!! HAng on sweetie!! How is the adoption process going???

I'm sorry you feel left out. I remember feeling that way too. I know it's so hard to keep seeing what you want yourself. Please don't give up, I really believe you will be a mother some day. I'm glad you have been feeling better. Please know I think of you often and I am always here for you!

Oh hun, I wish I could just swing on over & give you a hug, but we both know it isn't that easy to do. I am sorry you feel this way, you certainly are not alone in your feelings. Sadly this is just another horrible side effect of IF. But, I do have to say that you do seem much happier in general & I still believe that you & Jeff will be parents...even if it isn't the way you first thought. You both will be great parents & when that happens the feelings of being left out will be passed on to someone else. I love ya sweetie & like we have always said to one another ~ no matter what happens to either of us...we will always be friends!!!!! xxxxxx

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I wish there was something I could say that would make this easier. Don't give up. It will happen for you!

I am glad you are feeling a little better after the loss. I am sure it is a hard road to travel down. I understand what you mean by feeling alone, even here on DS. So many of my wonderful friends have moved on to have babies or are now pregnant. I am THRILLED for them, but left to wonder if I will ever join them. I guess all we can do is pray that we will and keep moving forward towards that goal. I try to use their achievement as inspiration and faith that it will happen for me too. You will get there too!

i feel ya! same thing for me...I want to be on the bfp train soooo badly! but i keep remembering that all these bfp girls were once or 17 times on the bfn train before this...and if we follow this dream to the end we'll be there too...I keep saying ...these ds girls give US hope...they were us!

i would feel the same way. every time i log on here it seems like someone else is pregnant. that cant be easy for you to hear. i know you're happy for everyone else but i know you want it for yourself. i forget where you are in your journey? considering adoption and donor embryo or surrogacy? maybe it's time to pursue one of those -whichever one it is. as long as you and dh feel ready.

I'm so sorry about your DH. I have 2 friends with crohns and it never gets easier, but hopefully the time between flare ups is LONG... You do have so much on your plate, I'm sorry you have so much "crap" thrown at you. I hope better times are coming soon. Glad DH is out of the hospital... peace to you both..

I know how you feel...it seems that so many things are happening around me...stress is everywhere, I've worked at the same place for 17 years and now we're yet again, downsizing and I'm losing MORE hours...not good for my goal of paying off my visa. I can't see straight when it comes to financial burdens, then there other issues in my personal life with my best friend that keeps me up at night, and you know what...if I didn't have to think about IVF and IF and "what if", and "what if it doesn't ever..." and "what can I do?", and "maybe I'm not even able to..." and blah blah blah...if i didn't have that to obsess about ...i could deal with all of life's shittt! But it adds on that lovely little cherry of stress on the top of the cake! God has given me more than I can handle...because I'm not handing any of this well...I'm no fun, preoccupied, and depressed. It is a crock!

I'm so sorry you keep having to deal with so much. That sucks DH had to go through that. I'm glad he's home now and feeling better. I hope things start looking up, you deserve something good.

Better days WILL be ahead, just trust. You are doing the best with what is coming at you so be proud of yourself for that. You have a lot on your plate. Just take it one day at a time and before you know it this will all be a faint memory. I pray for the health of your DH and hope he starts to feel better. You are awesome and one strong cookie!!

Wow, it does sound like many things are being thrown at you. It also sounds like you are always coming out on top and that is a good thing. I always pray for you and DH and I know better days are coming your way.

Gosh, that is so scary and awful. I had a friend w/Crohn's disease when I was in college and to this day she still struggles. It's a horrible disease and I am so sorry that DH (and you) has to go through that pain and fear. I think it is perfectly acceptable to question why so much has to come your way. I have felt that way many times in my life. But it's true without the hardship and the pain we wouldn't understand the feelings of joy, happiness and bliss. I know it doesn't feel this way, but things will turn around and the clouds will go away. When that sun is shining, the smile is permanent and you feel utter happiness, you will remember that this long, painful road was worth it. Hold on to hope. Until that sunshine comes, I am pulling for you and praying that everyday brings you one step closer to your miracle and joy.

Hilary, I am so sorry that I wasn't around to take your call the other night. It has been hectic here. Wow, I hope Jeff is feeling a little better. I know you are both scared & totally overwhelmed with everything that you have been thru. I pray everything smooths out for you soon. I will call you later. Just know that I am always thinking of you sweetie....friends forever, right?!? xxxxx

Oh my.. I am so sorry to hear about that! My DH's cousin boyfriend has Crohns as well... that is so scary! Hang in there through this very tough time and know we are all thinking and praying for you and yoru family!

I hope Jeff is feeling better! Hang in there.. praying for you and your family.

Oh man, you dont need anymore. So sorry Jeff was so sick. It must be so frustrating, scary, and so much more. Glad your parents came over to help you. I know you feel like it is never ending and you cant breath, but it has to let up soon. I will pray, send calming energy, and what ever I can think of that may help you get through this. Great big hugs to you.

it sounds like you have a lot to handle. i think you have the right attitude though (or maybe it was in a prior email) definitely see a therapist when you can. i went when i was going through a tough time (my divorce) and have gone back periodically (as needed). whatever doesnt kill you does make you stronger. i can honestly say that from all i've been through but you do have a lot to handle. i'm so glad your parents are helping. can you hire someone even part time to help - with your cousin out for who knows how long and since you dont know when jeff's flare ups will be? by the way i know people with crohn's and the flare ups are normal for crohn's. it must be very scary though for both of you. all i can say is hang in there. it sounds like you do have your priorities straight and we (me) are here is you need anything - a pal to vent to - an ear just to listen - a shoulder to cry on - whatever. hope your cousin and husband both are getting stronger and improving.

I'm so sorry Jeff had to go through all of that but hopefully he will have very long periods btwn flare ups. You were very strong for him and I'm sure that helped him. I agree with you that the saying "God only gives you what you can handle" is a crock. Without going into details, I've been given so much more than I can handle and even with 2 years of therapy, things keep coming my way and it stinks. But I honestly believe, and it's going to take several more years, but it's going to get better. It just has to. And I feel that it will be the same way for you too. I think we all go thru periods of angst but some longer than others..and some have better support than others. It's so wonderful that your parents live nearby and can be there for you. Hang in there..it may not be next month or even next year but things definitely will get better.

sometimes, does'nt it feel like, if it's not one thing, it's a motherf-ing 'nother??
i'm glad your cousin is better, but i'm really sorry to hear about Jeff. Crohns runs in my family, and most of the men have it. i know how scary it is, and i'm sorry to hear that you have to go through this. just one more thing on your plate...
i do think it is a crock(the whole only get what you can handle thing)
what are you supposed to do? not handle it? it's not like you have a choice...
the only way out from the bottom is up!!!
anyway... thanks for the message, and have a great 5 year!!
love, sandi

I am sorry DH was so sick but glad you got him to go to the ER. I am sure it is very scary but if he catches something early on then he may not need surgery (I am sure you told him that already). I think your advice of him trying to accept what he has and to learn how to live with it was great. I used to try to live like all of my friends and people around me and would get so angry and upset when I could not keep up. I lost friends because of my health issues (but I guess they were not really friends). Finally one day I had to tell myself that I am different, my body is different and I need to live my life within the limits of my health. When I stopped being so hard on myself and rebelling, things started to get better. Of course I still have days when I get angry about it and wish I did not need to eat different foods, take so many medications or spend so much time and money at doctors, but overall I have come to terms with it and it has made my life a lot easier.

I've also wondered the same thing about only getting what we could handle. I would joke that God must think I am really strong or wonder what He is preparing me for that I need to be stronger. I am not sure of the answer. Maybe God is using you as a tool and working through you to help others. In order for you to be able to really help someone, you usually need to know what it is like to live "through" some hard times and come out the other side, stronger, wiser and a better human being. There have been many times in my life when the only thing that made it easier to accept all the hard, painful things in my life was the belief that some day, at some point I may be able to help someone else get through something difficult (if that makes sense).

I will pray for DH to continue to get better and for less flare ups. I will also pray for God to continue to give you the strength you need to get through the hard times and to surround you with others who can help, if just being there to listen and let you know you are not alone. You are a wonderful woman and I believe God works through you all the time.

Sorry it has taken so long for me to read this. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with right now and I am sorry for that. No one deserves any of this. You are such a strong person I really don't know how you do it. Just please stay strong and you will make it through. I'm here if you ever need to vent to someone. XOXOXO Jessica