JOANNE1971's Journal

This is my response to a question posed on the bipolar board a few minutes ago. We were asked if we recall our suicide attempts and did we leave a note:

 I wrote two notes. One to my SIL because she was bugging me about some Tupperware pieces I had of hers. In the email I told her she could have all the fucking plastic (I was sold Tupperware for a few years so there was A LOT of Tupperware to be had). Bitch. She didn't care about me. She wanted her bowls back.

The second note was to my kids. I remember crying while I wrote it. It was simply "I love you and I'm sorry to each of their names" The note was gone by the time I got out of the hospital. I have no idea what my H did with it.

I recall what it was like to die but it would be inappropriate to share the details here. I don't remember the paramedics, the stomach pumping or the charcoal. I vaugely remember waking up in the ICU. I don't remember being transported to the Psych Hospital an hour away. I do remember trying to choke myself with the string of my hooded sweatshirt as soon as I got there. The nurses were highly pissed off at me and said, "Not on my shift you don't!!" (I clearly remember that).

While I was in the ER my husband was told I might not make it. He has always been kind and loving to me. After that he has been even more so.

At first I was terrified of the anniversary of my attempt. I thought it would hurt me all over again. After a while I started seeing it as a new birth. A second chance.

It's also my son's birthday (Yes, I tried to kill myself on my son's birthday last year.)

No wonder I was so pissed last night when my husband wanted to cancel my son's Diego birthday party. It was my "birth" day too!!!

An odd memory I still have ... the nurses never took the hoody sweatshirt with the strings away from me. That annoys me.