Journal

Well I have not been on here for a while, I thought I was doing better. Well I guess I am but I still go back and forth, so I thought I would log on and vent. We are having some issues with our little girl right now, and that has been really stressful on me. I am sure it has been for him too, but this journal is about me right. LOL. She has been really fighting us all the time. It is sad to see because has always been such a good little girl it is sad to see her make a change in the wrong direction. We both try to remian consistant with her and somewhat communicate our issues with her each week, if not day. I cant wait for this time to pass and I am sure there will be issues at the end of this drama, but I am ready for these ones to go away!

Well I only had three breack downs today! They really were not that bad. I only got a little choked up. I am playing Santa right now for my little girl and it really sucks having to do it all alone. I had my two cousins and there husbands come over for dinner tonight. I set the table tonight for 6 people instead of 5 people. Really bad right, I did it with out even thinking about it. When I realized it, I started to cry a little. Not anything crazy, but for 10 years it has always been 6 of us. It really hit me tonight that it is not 6 of us any more it is only 5. That really hit me hard. I know that it is part of it, but when it hits it hurts. Well I guess life is a beach and then you die!

I feel really bad this weekend. My soon to be X is really giving me a hard time about this Holiday thing. He wants what he wants and I want what I want! I feel like he should be the one to miss time with our child because this was his deal not mine. But then who I am hurting, him or my child. She loves her Dad more than anything. She loves being with him just as much as me. She gets so excited to see him. It is really sweet! I cant stand him right now, I cant stand him for making me miss time with my child, I cant stand him for him thinking it all should just be fair and equal, when he was the one who choose to do this to our family. Then I think well what if he did not have an affair, and we were just two people who couldnt make it, would I feel the same? I dont think I would, I think I would be more understanding and notwant to kill him everytime he talks to me. He is mad at me right now becuase I told him I was going to take him to court for this whole holiday probelms we are having. I am hurting so bad inside, i wish next year was here, i wish the Holidays were over. I wish we could be togther like I planned, that is what I wish!