freedomplease's Journal

Guys I'm sad to say that my entire support team decided I need to get off this site.  I'm going to miss you all.  I cancelled my account so idk how long this will stay up. 

Love you so much.  I'm going to treatment.  My blood work was a mess.  I have NO fermale hormones.  no joke.  Like they are supposed to be between 25-75 or something and mine was .3.... yes .3  no wonder I dont get periods and have NO boobs.  I am also hypothyroid and my heart rate is 38 bpm.  I had no idea how much damage I had done, simply by restricting to 1,200 and eating super healthy... just not enough!  Also my kidneys are damages though not permanently and still going to get a bone scan.  My doc said its all reversible (except bone loss) but I have only missed 4 periods so hopefully that wont be too bad.  But yeah I need some help.

I ate a lot today, but with my friend earl, no binges, but ptobably too much.  He said I ate normal... I guess I'm just not used to eating this much.  I'm really scared about binging but more scared about killing myself...

My parents are coming tomorrow to go to an appt with me.  They are coming to breakfast with me and earl.  Should be fun.  I might get a waffle. goodness I like food.  I swear I'm an addict.  Though my doctor said its my perception because extreme weight loss (with no purging) isnt sign of a compulsive overeater.  It's a sign of anorexia and thats where I was headed.  

Even though I have eaten ice cream and treats and WHITE bread (what??  white bread?)  I still feel so amazing and HAPPY!  Its amazing what EATING does to your mood.  I feel alive for the first time in months.  

I'm actually excited to get some curves back. Earl said that I looked so amazing and he cant wait till I get back up to where I was cause it was way hotter.  Hey curves are sexier.  Its true.  I just have to keep shutting up ED when he says they are gross.  Boobs are beautiful not gross!  I gotta keep believing that and trusting God.

Well this is my last entry and I will miss you all tons.  I wont be back.  I guess the reason is they feel this isnt monitored and I need to get rid of all triggers. Also there was someone who has been rather rude to me theis past week and it bothered me.  Though I know they are in pain so I don't blame their actions. 

   I deleted my youtube account and blocked youtube, I also ripped up all my magazines and wont buy even the decent ones (like SHAPE) its just too much of the comparison thing. 

I hope you all get better, I really do.  I'm doing this for me, but I have to say I give Lauren a lot of credit for getting me to this place.  I love you Lauren. You have helped me see truth clearly.  I'm so sorry we didnt get to do that for you.

When I think of ED's I feel sick to my stomach.  LIke literally sick, discusted, and upset.  How can anyone not want to recover after Lauren's death.  Idk.  Maybe it's just me.  But it had a profound impact on my life. I'm am really done.  I would rather weigh 160 lbs than live and die like this.  I mean I really want to be healthy.  But if thats 130, or 125 thats totally fine with me.  Plus the bf thinks that weight is hott. hehe. XXX weight is gross on me now and even though I cant see it yer, I will soon.

Well I'm going to go live a real life.  I tried this one and it sucked.  I like healthy better.  Facebook me every once in a while.