freedomplease's Journal

Guys I'm doing SO well!  I'm pumped up to get healthy again! 

This weekend was a wake up call (yet again) I went home. Even though I was wearing a coat to dinner, my grandpa asked "Jamie are you ill?"  I said "No, I'm fine." He said "Did you lose weight, your face looks gaunt" I said "A little"  I was shocked because he knows nothing about my ed and he noticed it IN MY FACE.  I had no idea it was so obvious.

Then at church about 7 different people asked me if I had lost weight.  I felt so exposed.  Like it was obvious I had a problem, and I felt very uncomfortable that people could tell!  They weren't compliments either.  My sister also pulled me aside and said "Jamie you look so boney and it's scaring me, you have to stop this." 

THEN to top it off I had a heart to heart with mom and dad and it was good.  They are so supportive and worried but they want to help in anyway.  I really was honest and told them everything.  Even cried to them about Lauren's death and how it affected me.  They are glad I am aware this is a problem and want to get better.  They want me in partial.  I'm willing to go if need be.  I do want recovery, I just dont want to be a finantial burden, that was my main concern about it.  But if they think its important and want me to go then I will, absolutely.  We will re-evalute the situation in 2 weeks. After blood work and such here at school and spring break.

I ate my norm low cal veggie/egg combo and plain tuna and lettuce for lunch.  Then a handful of pecans and 1/2 banana for snack (not exactly weight gain material ey?)  So then my mom and I went on a walk and she suggested ice cream.  I cringed and didnt want to because I am sooooo scared of sugar binges.  But she said it was my call and didnt want to pressure me because she didnt want me binging either.  But I really wanted ice cream so I decided what the heck, I can have a little ice cream.  I got a chocolate sunday that wasnt too big it was a healthy portion.  Then later I had a chewy bar.  Then I was driving back to school, dying to binge!!  I called my friend Earl (who know about my ed) and asked him to dinner.  I told him I wanted a cheese calzone and a muffin but I didnt want to binge.  He said "Jamie that isnt a binge, thats normal athlete eating! Just eat healthy most meals and sometimes its ok to eat like that."  So I had it.  And I didnt binge after.  It was a lot of food, but I really do need it.  I think the carb/dairy cravings are ligit.  I need more carbs and calcium (two things I havent gotten enough of) so I know my body is telling me something.

Tomorrow I am going to make healthier choices than I did today, but keep eating enough and no binges.  I want my butt back!!!  I want energy!  And I don't want to look ill...