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freedomplease 
3:44pm, March 9, 2009
So my appt this thursday was tough. My therapist is really concerned and wants to send me to partial. I don't want to do it because I am sure I can do this alone, and now, after Lauren's death, I don't even want to lose more weight! The hard thing won't be getting me to eat enough, it will be not binging. So we made a deal. 1st I need my health fully checked out again, because I have lost 20 lbs in 2 months, I need to make sure I am ok. IF and only if that comes out ok, then I must work with the campus nutritionist to make a meal plan, must not lose anymore weight, gain minnimum of 3 lbs this month and stay above 1,400 cals a day. (which I will still not be gaining on that, I'm sure) BUT This is all very do-able. I can definately do all this, I just hope and pray that the blood work is normal. If it is than I still will be doing all these things, of course (not an excuse to go back to ED) but I will be relieved that I probably didn't permanently damage my health.
I'm not worried about 3 lb weight gain. I like the number 110 and thats totally fine, but I know after that they will want me to gain more, because I never get my period under 118. grrr. But I really think I look best at this weight, even though my mom thinks I look "scary thin" But we will see.
My muscles do realllllly hurt, and I know its because I've lost a lot of muscle mass. My jumps on the ice are not good. I haven't been doing the triples. I just don't have the height. Running I push through, though, even though I have no energy. So I'm using these things to motivate me. I want to feel energetic again and not like a zombie!
Comments
use the last paragraph as motivation to recover..
do whatever you need to do to mke yourself healthy again, if that means partial then do it.
You are so strong and really inspire me to recover
DancerJ
Don't worry about what weight they want you to be at. Being as athletic as you are, you know you should weigh more than 110 lbs for your height. I am shorter than you and weigh more than that.
I hope your blood work turns out okay.
sophie09
I said I could do it on my own for 5 months, and I never did. I finally realized I couldn't when my kidney's almost failed. Don't wait as long as I did. And hey, partial isn't THAT bad.
audgrl724
Jamie, until Lauren's death changed your way of thinking you were doing what you (or Ed) wanted and you now realise it hasn't worked out. Maybe its time to listen to your therapist and if she wants you to do partial then give it a try, you won't know if it works unless you try it. There are a number of groups that deal with overeating/bingeing on DS but one of the nicest ones is Overeaters Anonymous as it controls bingeing through the AA 12 step programme. Questions are set every week which are set to encourage to give up our control to God (its a spiritual programme) to help us understand why we binge, just a thought. Take care.
Ziporah
i think that partial might be a good idea, especially since you've recently lost so much weight. but its definitely a personal decision, so do what is best for u! i hope your doing well and that you can follow your new nutrition plan!
Jbird15
if ur not adverse to getting better then y not go to partial?
missyS