Journal

Guys I'm sad to say that my entire support team decided I need to get off this site.  I'm going to miss you all.  I cancelled my account so idk how long this will stay up. 

Love you so much.  I'm going to treatment.  My blood work was a mess.  I have NO fermale hormones.  no joke.  Like they are supposed to be between 25-75 or something and mine was .3.... yes .3  no wonder I dont get periods and have NO boobs.  I am also hypothyroid and my heart rate is 38 bpm.  I had no idea how much damage I had done, simply by restricting to 1,200 and eating super healthy... just not enough!  Also my kidneys are damages though not permanently and still going to get a bone scan.  My doc said its all reversible (except bone loss) but I have only missed 4 periods so hopefully that wont be too bad.  But yeah I need some help.

I ate a lot today, but with my friend earl, no binges, but ptobably too much.  He said I ate normal... I guess I'm just not used to eating this much.  I'm really scared about binging but more scared about killing myself...

My parents are coming tomorrow to go to an appt with me.  They are coming to breakfast with me and earl.  Should be fun.  I might get a waffle. goodness I like food.  I swear I'm an addict.  Though my doctor said its my perception because extreme weight loss (with no purging) isnt sign of a compulsive overeater.  It's a sign of anorexia and thats where I was headed.  

Even though I have eaten ice cream and treats and WHITE bread (what??  white bread?)  I still feel so amazing and HAPPY!  Its amazing what EATING does to your mood.  I feel alive for the first time in months.  

I'm actually excited to get some curves back. Earl said that I looked so amazing and he cant wait till I get back up to where I was cause it was way hotter.  Hey curves are sexier.  Its true.  I just have to keep shutting up ED when he says they are gross.  Boobs are beautiful not gross!  I gotta keep believing that and trusting God.

Well this is my last entry and I will miss you all tons.  I wont be back.  I guess the reason is they feel this isnt monitored and I need to get rid of all triggers. Also there was someone who has been rather rude to me theis past week and it bothered me.  Though I know they are in pain so I don't blame their actions. 

   I deleted my youtube account and blocked youtube, I also ripped up all my magazines and wont buy even the decent ones (like SHAPE) its just too much of the comparison thing. 

I hope you all get better, I really do.  I'm doing this for me, but I have to say I give Lauren a lot of credit for getting me to this place.  I love you Lauren. You have helped me see truth clearly.  I'm so sorry we didnt get to do that for you.

When I think of ED's I feel sick to my stomach.  LIke literally sick, discusted, and upset.  How can anyone not want to recover after Lauren's death.  Idk.  Maybe it's just me.  But it had a profound impact on my life. I'm am really done.  I would rather weigh 160 lbs than live and die like this.  I mean I really want to be healthy.  But if thats 130, or 125 thats totally fine with me.  Plus the bf thinks that weight is hott. hehe. XXX weight is gross on me now and even though I cant see it yer, I will soon.

Well I'm going to go live a real life.  I tried this one and it sucked.  I like healthy better.  Facebook me every once in a while.

Guys I'm doing SO well!  I'm pumped up to get healthy again! 

This weekend was a wake up call (yet again) I went home. Even though I was wearing a coat to dinner, my grandpa asked "Jamie are you ill?"  I said "No, I'm fine." He said "Did you lose weight, your face looks gaunt" I said "A little"  I was shocked because he knows nothing about my ed and he noticed it IN MY FACE.  I had no idea it was so obvious.

Then at church about 7 different people asked me if I had lost weight.  I felt so exposed.  Like it was obvious I had a problem, and I felt very uncomfortable that people could tell!  They weren't compliments either.  My sister also pulled me aside and said "Jamie you look so boney and it's scaring me, you have to stop this." 

THEN to top it off I had a heart to heart with mom and dad and it was good.  They are so supportive and worried but they want to help in anyway.  I really was honest and told them everything.  Even cried to them about Lauren's death and how it affected me.  They are glad I am aware this is a problem and want to get better.  They want me in partial.  I'm willing to go if need be.  I do want recovery, I just dont want to be a finantial burden, that was my main concern about it.  But if they think its important and want me to go then I will, absolutely.  We will re-evalute the situation in 2 weeks. After blood work and such here at school and spring break.

I ate my norm low cal veggie/egg combo and plain tuna and lettuce for lunch.  Then a handful of pecans and 1/2 banana for snack (not exactly weight gain material ey?)  So then my mom and I went on a walk and she suggested ice cream.  I cringed and didnt want to because I am sooooo scared of sugar binges.  But she said it was my call and didnt want to pressure me because she didnt want me binging either.  But I really wanted ice cream so I decided what the heck, I can have a little ice cream.  I got a chocolate sunday that wasnt too big it was a healthy portion.  Then later I had a chewy bar.  Then I was driving back to school, dying to binge!!  I called my friend Earl (who know about my ed) and asked him to dinner.  I told him I wanted a cheese calzone and a muffin but I didnt want to binge.  He said "Jamie that isnt a binge, thats normal athlete eating! Just eat healthy most meals and sometimes its ok to eat like that."  So I had it.  And I didnt binge after.  It was a lot of food, but I really do need it.  I think the carb/dairy cravings are ligit.  I need more carbs and calcium (two things I havent gotten enough of) so I know my body is telling me something.

Tomorrow I am going to make healthier choices than I did today, but keep eating enough and no binges.  I want my butt back!!!  I want energy!  And I don't want to look ill...

So my appt this thursday was tough.  My therapist is really concerned and wants to send me to partial.  I don't want to do it because I am sure I can do this alone, and now, after Lauren's death, I don't even want to lose more weight! The hard thing won't be getting me to eat enough, it will be not binging. So we made a deal.  1st I need my health fully checked out again, because I have lost 20 lbs in 2 months, I need to make sure I am ok.  IF and only if that comes out ok, then I must work with the campus nutritionist to make a meal plan, must not lose anymore weight, gain minnimum of 3 lbs this month and stay above 1,400 cals a day.  (which I will still not be gaining on that, I'm sure) BUT This is all very do-able.  I can definately do all this, I just hope and pray that the blood work is normal.  If it is than I still will be doing all these things, of course (not an excuse to go back to ED) but I will be relieved that I probably didn't permanently damage my health.

  I'm not worried about 3 lb weight gain. I like the number 110 and thats totally fine, but I know after that they will want me to gain more, because I never get my period under 118.  grrr.  But I really think I look best at this weight, even though my mom thinks I look "scary thin" But we will see.  

My muscles do realllllly hurt, and I know its because I've lost a lot of muscle mass.  My jumps on the ice are not good.  I haven't been doing the triples.  I just don't have the height.  Running I push through, though, even though I have no energy.  So I'm using these things to motivate me.  I want to feel energetic again and not like a zombie!