Well for my first entry I would …
Well for my first entry I would think no one would read this but apparly I am wrong to say this so here we go. I …
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marisa123 
7:17am, September 12, 2009
I cant breath and last night i kept thinking of how i could kill myself. Somewhere my kids could not find me. i thought of taking pills and just going to sleep. I just cant stay above water and i have nothing. I am not a good mom anymore i am always stressed and mad. I feel so alone with my bf. I cant talk to my mom i wont and cant let her know how bad things are going. I have not been this bad since i was put into the hospital when i was 17. I was up all night crying and trying to think of ways to tell my kids that i am sorry for not being the mom i set out to be. That this is better for them in the long run.
THen at 3 am i hear my daughter throwing up. so i get up and help her and put clean sheets on her bed and kiss her goodnight. I awoke thinking ok i can do this. Then i c my bf just acting like nothing is wrong and so i tell him and he is to worried about him, to even notice i was talking to him. idk
How can i go on any more. Why was i born if all i do is suffer. There has to be a better life for me somewhere else. I feel so alone and i have always felt that way. I can no longer pretend any more. I have nothing left to give.
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Don't make yourself feel so low. You have your kids to cheer you up, no matter how low you get, just look at your kids and say that you are their mother and you'll feel much better. Even if you can't give them what you always wanted to give them your still there for them.
How about you just take like a day off or something, do something that will freshen you up, make you alive again.
If you need anything, or someone just to talk to I am here for you.
Adel1
Hey girl.
You said alot here and I know you are hurting. I've been there before. You were born for a reason. Maybe not a reason you can understand or see RIGHT NOW. But trust that. Your kids are your kids for a reason and just because you've made mistakes or feel like you're not being the best mom right NOW doesn't mean you can't change that. You are the only one who is in charge of your destiny. All it takes is putting one foot in front of the other and moving step by step towards that. If you aren't happy in your relationship, then get out of it. It's better to feel lonely for a little bit then miserable in one. Believe me.... I know. You can do this girl. Love you lots. You can do this. One step at a time. One breathe at a time.
asoldierssister
When I was first divorced and raising two little kids on my own, it was the necessity to respond to their needs and demands that really made me strong and able to make a good life for myself and my kids. Yes, yes, it's hard. Get all the help you can from family and friends. Even your mom. Open yourself to loving and being loved. Do you have a therapist or counselor to talk to? Now sounds like a good time for reaching out. Hugs, Joan
JoanJLT