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marisa123 
7:17am, September 12, 2009
sometimes i really wander why i am with my bf. He is so ungrateful and just assumes i will do everything. we got mad at each other due to me making him take the leftovers to the dog. He was asked to do this 3 days ago and would not do it. so today he tells my son to go do it. I say no you were told to do it, you cant make him be the only one to take care of the dogs. They are not even ours.
so he got all pissy took one bowl out not the other two and then slamed the pot down when he got in and went intot he livin room to play a game on his phone, while i cook clean again and take care of the kids. I tell them go to your dad he is taking care of you while i cook, but like always no he doesnt.
I am so mad i could spit, i want to punch him in his face and freak out.
I want more from him and in 5 and a half years we are still dating he is still married to his ex.
God.
ugh
Comments
Well thanks everyone that commented on my journal entry. I have been doing good and bad. Still feeling like no matter what i do there is no one in this world that can understand me.
All i want is someone i can call text or email and for them to want to know me as much as i do them. This week i go in to see my gastric doc to get my date for sur and to do the last couple of test before i go in. nervous but needing to do this. i just want to fee beautiful inside and out.
it may sound vain but i am being honest.
I just feel so unattached to life. I have 3 great kids and i just wish i was not such a dissapointment to them. I want to much out of life. when i was in highschool i had high hopes. then life started and they just fell away. idk i am just rambling.
Comments
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Ramble away lol.
Im sure your not a disapointment to any of your friends or family and expect they would be upset you think that way....
You are beautiful inside and out for sure.... But now you realise this is your time.....
A chance for a healthier happier future.
Enjoy the ride hun, enjoy the ride, were routing for you and making space on the lesers bench..
Loves ya
Andy (BUZZ)
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Ramble away lol.
Im sure your not a disapointment to any of your friends or family and expect they would be upset you think that way....
You are beautiful inside and out for sure.... But now you realise this is your time.....
A chance for a healthier happier future.
Enjoy the ride hun, enjoy the ride, were routing for you and making space on the lesers bench..
Loves ya
Andy (BUZZ)
I cant breath and last night i kept thinking of how i could kill myself. Somewhere my kids could not find me. i thought of taking pills and just going to sleep. I just cant stay above water and i have nothing. I am not a good mom anymore i am always stressed and mad. I feel so alone with my bf. I cant talk to my mom i wont and cant let her know how bad things are going. I have not been this bad since i was put into the hospital when i was 17. I was up all night crying and trying to think of ways to tell my kids that i am sorry for not being the mom i set out to be. That this is better for them in the long run.
THen at 3 am i hear my daughter throwing up. so i get up and help her and put clean sheets on her bed and kiss her goodnight. I awoke thinking ok i can do this. Then i c my bf just acting like nothing is wrong and so i tell him and he is to worried about him, to even notice i was talking to him. idk
How can i go on any more. Why was i born if all i do is suffer. There has to be a better life for me somewhere else. I feel so alone and i have always felt that way. I can no longer pretend any more. I have nothing left to give.
Comments
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Don't make yourself feel so low. You have your kids to cheer you up, no matter how low you get, just look at your kids and say that you are their mother and you'll feel much better. Even if you can't give them what you always wanted to give them your still there for them.
How about you just take like a day off or something, do something that will freshen you up, make you alive again.
If you need anything, or someone just to talk to I am here for you.
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Hey girl.
You said alot here and I know you are hurting. I've been there before. You were born for a reason. Maybe not a reason you can understand or see RIGHT NOW. But trust that. Your kids are your kids for a reason and just because you've made mistakes or feel like you're not being the best mom right NOW doesn't mean you can't change that. You are the only one who is in charge of your destiny. All it takes is putting one foot in front of the other and moving step by step towards that. If you aren't happy in your relationship, then get out of it. It's better to feel lonely for a little bit then miserable in one. Believe me.... I know. You can do this girl. Love you lots. You can do this. One step at a time. One breathe at a time.
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When I was first divorced and raising two little kids on my own, it was the necessity to respond to their needs and demands that really made me strong and able to make a good life for myself and my kids. Yes, yes, it's hard. Get all the help you can from family and friends. Even your mom. Open yourself to loving and being loved. Do you have a therapist or counselor to talk to? Now sounds like a good time for reaching out. Hugs, Joan
Past Entries
Goal Updated
I still too young to be married, but shouldn't you have a sit down with him and make things clear for him? As how he is acting and his responsibilities in the house are. Make things clearer for him. I hope all goes well with you.
Adel1
How long has he been this way? Have you considered asking yourself the question "Am I better off with him or without him?" There are times when just asking that question is painful. If the answer is yes, then try and explain how you feel to him. If the answer is no, then make plans to be on your own with your children. As hard as it is, they would probably agree with what ever your decission is. Remember, they are a big part of your life and should have a vote in how their mother is treated. Don't under estimate your children. They are yours for ever.... McCloskey
mccloskey
I totally agree with McCloskey...,
Don't put up with the crap....! It sounds like ya man isn't respecting you very much and to still be married to another at the same time is not respecting you at all...! The kids will witness all that's going on as well and learn to not listen to you if you don't stand up for yourself.... You did years ago , so you can do it again right.?
Take care and get firm.... Sharon xxx
shazzca
Hi Marisa! :) our thoughts and prayers are with you all. wishing you all comfort, healing, and peace. we're so very sorry you all are going through a rough time. keep strong together, and hopefully things will improve. i'm going to say an extra prayer for you all. :) HUGS! :)
Chris1981