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RememberKala 
6:43am, November 8, 2009
I wrote this over a year ago and thought I'd post it again. Perhaps someone will be helped....that's my hope.
DON'T EXPECT
Don't expect me to cry if you mention my child. Don't expect me not to either. Just mention her name, let me hear it spoken out loud by someone other than myself. Whether I cry or smile, you've helped me heal.
Don't expect me to remember what day it is, or why I went to the store, or whose birthday it is, or if I took a bath, or did the laundry, or fed the dog. I'll do what I can, when I can, as best I can. That's all I can do right now, and for the rest of my earthly life.
Don't expect me to watch TV and pay attention, or read a book and know what I've just read. Just let me stare at the TV or book until I decide it's enough. I'll do something else when I can.
Don't expect me to not be angry. To not yell and scream and vent from time to time....or 24/7. Don't think my venting is about you. It's not. It's about the deepest pain a mother can feel finally bursting into verbal sounds, vaguely resembling words.
Don't expect me to stay home in a dark room for the rest of my life. I won't. But allow me time to go into that dark lonely space when I need to. No need to follow me in, that's not where I need you. I only need to know you're waiting on the other side of the door when I can finally open it again.
Don't expect that I'm "all better", "over it", or any other term that gets used from time to time, just because you hear me laugh and see me smile. My laughter is sometimes genuine, and sometimes strained, and sometimes a flat out lie. I know I need to laugh. I will. But don't assume it means anything at all.
Don't expect me to appreciate your words of "help" when you tell me God took my child.
Don't expect me to be polite. Don't expect me to be patient. Don't expect me to understand or believe the same as you.
Don't expect me to be the wife, sister, mother, friend, or woman I used to be. I'm not.
Don't expect me to know who I am, and don't think I'm just waiting for you to tell me either.
Don't expect me to not know "what Kala would want" and therefore feel the need to tell me. The truth is I am the ONLY person who knows what my child wants for me and expects of me. She and I talk, regularly. Our relationship remains strong and real.
Don't expect me to not hurt, to not cry, to not need a hug, just because time has passed and you think it's "enough" time. There's no such thing as enough time. I didn't get enough time with Kala on this earth, and there's not enough time to stop the ache in my soul before I myself leave this earth.
Don't expect. Just love me, hug me, tell me a joke, tell me a story you remember about my child, ask me to tell you about my child, mention my her name often, and ask me what's she doing now. Yes, NOW. She's alive and well and happy and I need to share that with those I love. I need to talk about her in the present, not only in the past. Take me to lunch or send me an email or drop a card in the mail. Visit her website and leave a message or light a candle. Hold my hand while I cry. Sing with me. Laugh with me. Share with me. Sit with me. But don't expect..........
Comments
It amazes me how some mother's can write exactly what I'm feeling, but cannot find the words for. Thank you so very much for sharing this again as I missed it the first time...love and hugs...Lynn
l8gra
Beautifully said and what I have felt daily. Thank you for posting this for so many of us who are new here. To see in the written word what is felt in our hearts is such a gift. Thank you my friend! Hugs, Joanie (Have you thought about writing a book on grief and loss?) I'm sure others have said this to you and I'm another messenger... do think about it! You could help so many and in the process continue your healing journey too.
Livingjuicy
Thank you!!!! this is what I feel everyday. Wendy
wendyTred
I have no words. Only thank you. I resemble your words. Your friend, Danette, Nathans mom
sweetnathan
Teri, that is so beautiful and speaks every word we all feel. Joanie is asking the same thing I have asked. Why not try writting a book?
Love you, Barbara
doxylady
Thank you for giving me "permission" to have these same feelings and hurts. I am very new on this journey, but have already had time to endure most of your same experiences. People want so badly to help me and do or say something to console me.
Your friend,
Mary Lou, Jenny's mom
mlainfl
Teri,
You wrote something very powerful and profound. Thank you so much for sharing this writing. After I read it, I sat and reflected and it helped me to put so much of what I do, and don't do into perspective.
You touch my heart, and your love for Kala resounds in every word you write.
light and love, Rebecca
rcoco
that is just beautiful and exactly on the money. thank you for posting that again.
wow, it is amazing how we all feel so much of the same thing. thank you for sharing this beautiful poem again. love, donna
misshimsooo
Thank you so much Teri, I needed that today. You really have a beautiful way with words. Thanks for saying what we all feel. Much love, Nancy
walkersgrammie
You wrote it so perfect, it made me cry...Sooooooo true.....even though we haven't met, I know, when we do meet, I'll just love ya to pieces.....
KellyLee105
Teri, thank you for sharing. It says exactly how so many of us feel. And I know that by posting it again....you will help so many mom's that are new on this journey too !! Love you !! Kim
KimRW
Teri, you've helped me today. Thank you.
Gari
Teri, I can't believe how you put into words exactly how I feel. I'm going to print this and give it to my family and friends so they will understand why I act like I do. You are so blessed with a unique ability to verbalize your deepest feelings and thoughts. God bless you. Tina, Eric' mom
Intheblinkofaneye
Teri, I hope you don't mind if I borrow this...I will be putting Brandon's name there...I will email it to all in my address book....it says all we need to say to those who are inept for whatever reason as to understanding grief...to understanding how we behave, to how we process life now, how we are defined by this loss that has been thrust upon us...our expectations. Love and peace to you...this does help in so many ways....Dale...Brandon's Mom
Kingsdaughter
You said it all. I was even thinking of sending this to friends to help them understand me. Maybe it's a good thing for all of us to do.
Sus
Soosanah
Teri, Thank you for reposting your journal entry from a year ago. I wish I would have had it four years ago, because it is perfect, exactly how I felt. I would have done what others have mentioned and sent it to all of my family and friends. They mostly tried hard to understand, but this entry would have made it so much clearer for them. What a great piece of jourmalism for grieving Mothers. You really do need to get this out to everyone who is dealing with grief. It could help so many people. Thands again. Hugs, Beth
lizdec27
Teri, Thanks so much for articulating what so many of us are feeling or have felt. You really tell it like it is. As a new member of this community, I really appreciate your ability to capture the essence of what so many of us are going through. Blessings to you and yours.
Pat
Patticake123
Thank you for sharing this, Teri. Even though it says things that some of us may have already learned on this journey, it helps to be reminded again and again that we are not alone in these feelings. And that we have a right to them! Love to you, Belinda
BinkyH
Thank you.
I love you
Debbie
deborahd
I just love this!!!! It should be published so more moms who have lost children can feel they are normal (whatever that is). Love to you sweet friend...Karen
biowoman
So very very true...thanks. Hugs, Ann
annsullivan
Thank you are perfectly said. All of our words on one page and knowing what we feel is now on paper and we can print this and show our loved ones so they can understand. because at times you just can't express your feelings. The hardest part for me is not hearing Justins name. Talk to me about him remind me every now again that it wasn't a figment of my imagination. Let me remember that he lived. 4 years and no really talks about him.
roknauntt
Thank you for this.. you should write my love you have such a gift.. I love you my warrior..
munrogirl
I feel the words you wrote.Thank you for saying it for me.I talk to Penny all the time,I don't care if people think I am Crazy.They just don't know. It really helps me to go to her site 3 or more times a day to visit her,I know exactly how and what you feel. God Bless All Our Children.
pennysmom
This is exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you so much for putting the words to what all of us feel. j
jean747
how true that is
keagansmom
I love this soooo much! I love you, too.
ColleenF
Thank you for allowing me a venue to share my deepest emotions. I feel safe writing here. Who knows, perhaps one day I will write for the world, but today I write for us and our kids.
RememberKala
Only those of us who've been there can truly appreciate what those words of yours mean, thank you so much. Love, Bev
PJsmom
I have another personal friend who lost her son December 31, 2008. His firetruck he was driving tipped over. (http://www.jarrett-little.memory-of.com/About.aspx) She would like to know if you would give her permission to put this on his website? It was a touch of healing for both of us. Thank you. Danette, Nathans mom
sweetnathan
Thank you today for just writing for us and our kids. It is overwhelming all the emotions we experience day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year. It's been difficult at times but my absolute priviledge to take this journey with all of these amazing and resilient women. You always inspire. Love Robin
Robin4
Thank you Teri. As everyone here has written your words say it all. I love your journals..You are able to take the thoughts in all of our heads and put them into words. We had a biography of Courtney's life to share with people who attended her visitation and funeral. At the very back I wrote some of those same things. I wanted to stop some of the questions and well meaning comments before they were said. And still...well I'll try to journal about that sometime. Love to you, Mary Kay
Courtsmom
Thank You. Your words always express the way we all feel. I wish my I could send it to my sisters, but i'm not strong enough. Love, Elly
ellyb
This is the wisest words that I have read in a long long time. Thank you so much for putting it here again. If I read it last year, I was too deep in mew grief to remember it now. I will print it now and it will go on my wall with all the other wise people who say what I feel only SO MUCH BETTER. I love you Peggy
grndmudder