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lyssie2 
8:11am, September 4, 2009
I hope that the early big follicle isn't indicative of my ovaries acting older than they are. It was almost too big to do the fert drugs this time around, but it was just under. RE did run an FSH test just to make sure.
On a side note, I was sitting there and she was sitting far from the desk. I asked her are you expecting. She confirmed. I know that she already has 3 boys, so I said do you know what you're having and she's having a girl. I came accross the desk to hug her. She's so cute, and 4 weeks away! I apologized her not noticing it sooner and she thought she already told me when we discussed her other boys a couple months ago. I told her that I'd reconsider helping her with the baby this summer. It would be a part-time, just to the end of sumer thing, but I would love it. So i told her I'd talk to DH. She just said that she'd be honored if I would help her with her baby. And I'm like I am honored that you really want me to do it!
So the plan is :
Viagra, fertility drugs, BA, Progesterone, lovenox if BFP is confirmed, hope and a prayer.
To all my friends who are mothers, mothers-to-be, or still waiting for your miracle, I just want to thank you for being there right along with me. You are all in my prayers every day for health and happiness.
Comments
The surgery went well for the most part. Fibroids are out.
When I awoke though, it was from a nurse who I'm pretty sure was just trying to get me out of the bed. She wouldn't listen to me that I was in a lot of pain about 20 minutes after I woke up. I won't go through all the horrible details, but let's just say that she wasn't listening to me. So when I got home I was so out of it. After about 4 hours of constant pain, dh knew something wasn't right and called the dr who wanted me to come in right away.
I didn't know it at the time, but I'd had a D & C, and they inserted a balloon filled with saline to keep the uterus walls from scarring and collapsing in and healing closed. But the dr said they may have inflated the balloon more than my body could take and that was causing all the pain. So he let out some and I'm able to function, but still pretty uncomfortable.
My meds are wearing off, so I'm able to read and type, but they make me pretty dizzy and drowsy and I'll be needing them again soon. So sorry if i'm a little incoherent!
Now for the good news, my RE came out and told my husband that while all did go well, she said that at mid-cycle (around ovulation) my uterus was very white, too white. She said that when she performs this, usually there's lots of bleeding because you have to scrape the walls of the uterus and she said there was hardly any blood in mine. So she was pretty sure that this could be the cause of all my m/c's and that if my uterus isn't getting proper blood flow to it, there's no way it would support a pregnancy. She said she needs to do some research, but that maybe some acupuncture and viagra would be a possible course of treatment.
Now if my surgery hadn't been delayed, she would never have noticed the discoloration being an issue. So all things happen for a reason. I'll find out more next week when I go in and get this balloon removed. But I can tell you when dh told me that I started crying. To go this long without hope or answer has been very painful these past 2 years.
Whew! I need to go, but thank you so much to all my friends!! Your constant support gives me so much strength!
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I'm so glad it went well and that you have a possible answer. I hope this is the turn of events for you and that you are on your way to achieving the success you so deserve!
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Wow! What a blessing to have answers, and a treatment course. I'm sorry things were rough with the procedure but it sounds like you have a very good outlook.
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Oh it is so exciting to have an answer to why this is happening...I am sure your dr. will come up with a game plan for you!!!!! Take care and rest up so that when you go back to the dr., you are ready for the game plan. THinking of you!
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I mailed you my thoughts earlier, but want to reiterate that I am so glad you postponed the surgery! I am still floored by this news! and so happy they discovered this! I know these last couple of years have been incredibly painful, but I am praying that this is the ticket! I did speak to my accupuncturist about this and she really thinks you need to start accupuncture asap. She also thought the viagra was a great idea. She was also not sure about the Lovenox. She is not sure if taking blood thinners will be helpful, but definitely check with your doctor about that. All in all, I think this surgery was worth it, although there was a lot of pain involved. You have been so strong and patient, I am so proud of you. You deserve this more that anything. You are such an incredible friend, I know you will be an incredible mother. I have faith this will work out for you! I know it!
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So you had some complications. Glad they finally listened and fixed the problem. Thats great news about the blood flow. Maybe just maybe this could finally be your answer. I'll keep my fingers crossed. To think if the surgery wasnt delayed they would have never found that. Thinking of you. Hugs Monica.
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Glad the surgery went well. Hopefully if this is the cause of the m/c there is an answer for you. Keep us posted on how you are doing. Much love, hugs and prayers to you!
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I'm so sorry that you had do go through such a painful procedure, but happy that you finally have some answers. I'm sure its been a very long 2 years for you and now you can finally start to make your dreams come true. Stay positive. We love you! (:
Thanks everyone for your support. You are an amazing group of women. I just wish that I could stop sounding like a broken record with this constant struggle of having a baby. Who thought something so simple for most, could be nearly impossible for others?!
I am actually doing really good. This forced wait is allowing me to not be stressed from trying and really just take a much needed short break after 2 years of failures. So on that hand, I'm doing really well.
On the other hand, it's allowed me to reflect and wonder if this is going to happen for us. Is all this going to end well? Realistically, not everyone gets to be a mother. At what point should I throw in the towel? Am I going to get a clear sign-like oh by the way you're never going to be able to conceive again- or am I going to have to make that decision myself. Just questions I've been pondering lately in my obsessive thoughts on this topic. I still can't imagine my life not trying. It's such a part of me, this desire to be a mother, I think it would break me if I stopped trying, but at some point, it's going to break me to keep having losses.
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You know my thoughts on this topic, of course, but ultimately it is up to you. I know how painful it is to keep having all these losses, but like you said, I do think it may be even more painful to stop. I would never want to push you if you don't want to be pushed, but in my heart I still believe that this is going to happen for you. SO, yes, it has been a bumpy (very bumpy) road, I know. If I could take the pain of that away, I would do it in a second. It breaks my heart that you are having to deal with any of this. I do know that you are such a strong person and I firmly believe that you can do this. I know it feels impossible right now, believe me, I understand, but there are way too many success stories out there. As simple as it sounds, remember, good things come to those who wait. My stance on this will always be the same. I can't let you give up (until you tell me to shut the heck up!)! I know in your heart you really don't want to. Last week, in my journal I said I felt like giving up, but really I just wanted reassurance that it will happen and it can happen. I don't know if that is how you are feeling, but I am here to give you that reassurance regardless. I want this for you so so badly. Remember, you are so so young and you do get pregnant easily. One of this is going to stick, I know it. I really feel like this break will help to rejuvenate you and after the hyst, you will feel ready to jump back on the wagon again. Remember, we had a pact! I am always here for you, but please don't give up!
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This has been such a long road for you and the fear of having more losses is completely reasonable after what you have been through. I would never want to tell you what to do, but I do believe that your time is coming. Maybe this break waiting for surgery is just what you need. My heart breaks reading this and reading the sorrow, loss, struggle and pain in your words. I hope that the answer comes to you...in the form of a BFP and healthy baby. We're all here for you. BIG HUGS
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I completely understand your feelings right now. It would be extremely hard either way giving up or TTC. The wait is probably not only good on your physically but emotionally also. I continue to pray you get your healthy baby. Hugs Monica.
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I would love to wave a magic wand and make this all better for you or wish I had some crystal ball that would give us the answer so I could tell you not to give up. It's not an easy decision and only one that you can make. I know people who struggled for years and years and it is not an easy road but in the end they were blessed with their little bundles. What you are feeling and thinking is completely normal. Taking a break may be a good thing I know I hated it when the dr's made me wait but in the end it was nice to have a few months off from "trying". Try to enjoy things you would not get to enjoy if you were pregnant that's what I did and it worked. Then when it was time to try again I felt more hopeful and rejuvenated. You know you always have my support whatever you decide. When is the surgery scheduled for?? Sending lots of love and prayers your way!!
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I know how you are feeling because I was feeling that way at some times when we were ttc....I couldn't understand why it was happening time after time and what I did wrong or what I was doing wrong or if I was not loving the children I had enough??? All those questions....so I know how you are feeling.
I do wish you all the best when you do start ttc again. The break might be good for you in the end. I hope all goes well with the procedure/surgery. I am thinking about you!
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wishing u lots of luck hun. i know u have been thru so much and u have been so strong the whole time. i just know ur time is coming! lots and lots of baby dust to u!
erin0718
Sounds like you have a great plan. I am thinking of you and routing for your BFP all the way!
Kate0928
I can't wait to hear about your BFP!!!
LisaAnnLincroft
Hon, I am sending you all the hope and all the prayers I can! I will be thinking of you and praying so hard that this is it! The viagra looks very promising, as evidenced in your latest surgery. I know this feels like a lot, but when (not if) you get your little one, it will feel like nothing. I do think that taking care of your RE's baby may actually be helpful. I know it always helped me to spend time with babies. Think of it as practicing. So glad to have you back in the TTC mode. I know it has been a long few months for you and I wished I could have been there right beside you holding your hand, but I am sending a virtual hand to hold instead. (ok, I know that sounds strange, hehe but you know what I mean!!!). Hang in there girl! Keep me posted on everything. I am thinking of you and praying for you every single day! Love ya!
djifoof
I think of you every single day and I just know that you are going to get that BFP and be holding a healthy baby in your arms 9 long months later. Your journey has been so long and hard but your persistence will pay off and you will know your dreams are finally coming true. I cannot wait to read the news. Just know I'm thinking about you and am here for you!
4EVERinLOVE
Wishing you tons and tons of luck and sending lots of prayers!! I'll be thinking of you often (:
sam23
You are in my prayers!!!! I am sending lots of babydust!!!!!
jsm16
Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers. Hoping all works out for you sweetie.
April1963
Sending lots of baby dust! Keep us updated!
lvnikita
Hoping this 6 month break was exactly what you needed so you could get your BFP. I'm sendilg lots of babydust and prayers for successful TTC month. Just as a side note the month I conceived my Follicle measured big early on so you never know. Thanks for always being there for me you are a great friend!! Love and hugs to you!!
angelh721
Hey, Im glad to hear an update from you. I dont get to get on here much so I dont get to read the status' everyday so a journal is nice. LoL. Im glad you have a plan. Im still praying for you everyday. Hugs Monica.
sweetangel