macatac's Journal

I'm back to square one again. My pregnancy prevented me from drinking, which was an absolute blessing. I was happy, had a great sober winter, and quite frankly had little to no urge to drink. Then as my pregnancy was nearing it's end, I found myself suddenly craving it. It was as if my body knew that I would be "allowed" to drink again and it was sending signals to my brain. My addiction came back and reared it's ugly head.

I have drank perhaps up to ten times now or so since I have had my son. He is 3 months old. Of those, I have blacked out twice. There was a very close third time as well. To make things even better, I drove while very heavily buzzed one of those times (my son was not in the vehicle).

I obviously do not have any better control over my drinking as I did last year before I got pregnant. I am still an alcoholic. I am still addicted.

I can't do this anymore. The guilt I feel after I drink is a heavy burden to carry around with me. I just wish it was easier to stop. I wish I didn't feel like I am losing out on fun if I stop.

I'm still very young. I'd like to address this issue and move on from it at this age, rather than continue to struggle with it for the rest of my life.