Journal

 I have made it here. I left my friends and family in Ak and moved to Or. I do have my sister here and her family though have you ever felt like you just do not fit in? that is how I feel thoguh i notice we are geting closer and it is getting more comftorable to be around them.  

I will say that it is hard not knowing anyone here friends wise so  I just keep to myself in my apartment and to get out I go drive and explore. I am happier already and that is so releiving to me as I was not sure just because I was leaving a state that Iwas not happy in was there goign to be happines in my new home? I will say so far yes I do not have to dal with the extreame cold as it is there already.

 Finding a Dr that is been the trickey part but I will keep trying and will make it.

 So for now I wil say that I am good. 

 I will start by saying I am still here.  I have not gotten to that I feel alright stage I had been hospitalized 3 times in a month, my last time was in feb. and what makes me angry is that I have gotten a little better but I still have that really down sad feeling. I take my meds everyday and still this is how I feel, I just want to feel normal(not that there is a normal) but that feeling of whan you get up in the morning you know you can get things done with out the struggle of doing the littlest thing, being able to be a mom to your child.  

 I have a now 14 year old son who is Autistic and BiPolar himself, somehow he just goes on, and trys to cheer me up I hate that he should not have to deal with this and no matter what i do i just can not get out of this rut. It is summer and I am usually in a high manic phase. I go to counsling weekly and there is still no change.  I am trying to just hang on and hope and work for that next phase.

It pisses me off that I have Bipolar I feel as though no one around me really understands when I have my highs and lows.

The fact that where I live has the crappest mental health care just makes this situation worse seeing the dr.s here aren't taking new patients and you are screwed thanks to your original Dr.s leaving so when you need the help for your meds to see why after being increase to 1800 mg of lithium it still is nto doing anything, no now I have to hope that a dr that is 350 miles away will accept me as a patient so maybe than Ican have some answers. I should not have to travel over 300 miles to get health care.

I am so depressed and jsut want to be happy again.