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GinaBanina 
I still haven't forgiven myself. I just hope that you've forgiven me... wherever you are- you know that I'm sorry.
I still can't believe that I haven't accepted the fact that I do have the "right" to mourn.
i've been so torn lately. i've never exactly had to deal with death before and i was recently slammed with several deaths. march was a bad month. two of my mother's cousins passed away, steph lost her father, and zach lost one of his best friends, TJ.
i'm drawing a blank. i can't find the right words to say- sorry if this is really scattered.
nothing has been the same since march. i can't function like i used to. my grades took a big hit and i've been extremely paranoid. i spend each moment with people terrified that it will be our last. its no way to live. at the same time, none of that seems to even phase me.
steph's falling apart and i don't even know how to begin to put her back together again. i want to help her so badly... to make her feel better, even for a little while, but i can't. what good is a best friend if they can't make things better? i feel so useless. i'm failing her and its killing me. we've had our share of issues and things haven't been the same for a while now, even before all this. but now, more than ever, i feel that i owe it to her to make things better. i know that there is nothing that i can do and that these things just have to take their course, but god knows there isn't anything i wouldn't give to put her mind at ease. i miss her spark.
i've felt so guilty since TJ passed away. i kept zach from him because i thought he was a bad influence. even when zach mentioned running into TJ i'd kind of roll my eyes and wonder why zach would even bother to stop and say hello. funny thing is, TJ was always the first one to stop and say hello to me. its amazing how quick i was to forget that underneath all his issues and irresponsibilty, he really was a nice guy- always loved zach, always looked out for him, even after he had cut that group of guys out of his life.
i'm sorry, i need to stop writing this. its too late to be getting this upset.
its so hard to get better when all of the people you turn to for support are sufferring too.
i'm sorry i'm letting you down, guys.
