jaybear's Journal

I sit here, fighting depression and apathy. Part of me wants to totally give up or just burn or destroy something and demand of someone somewhere that they restore my human rights and make recompense for all their previous attempts to keep me down. Other parts of me are so apathetic that it's like fucking Sleeping Sickness. Other parts of me, just love, and know that there are many things and people worth loving and knows this hurts like a bitch but wants to keep trying, keeps believing that there's a grand point. 

So, somehow, I dare to bring up a spark of hope. I feel God's love and caring. I know that the voices are wrong when they say that no one cares if I hurt. I know God cares. I know I have some peeps that care. I feel almost like I can care about me. Not hate me. Not blame me for how things are turning out atm. This crap isn't my fault.

Things can get better. We can get what we need. It's not going to be like this permanently. This is just a step in the process of our success. My family is still here mucking it out with me. That must mean SOMETHING. Oh God, let me feel your richness. Let me focus. Let me not hate, especially not on me or anyone else I should be caring for. Forgive me for the monumental ass that I've been.

I've seen glimpses of our future, and there's so much promise. I just need to relax and stop struggling. How can I build a future while I'm freaking the hell out all the time? Trust can be a balm. It's all about belief. And sight. I can see now. I can see here. I can see something bright and good and I can know that it's alright now because God is behind it.