bonito's Journal

hey!! havent written for a looooooooong long time. been keeping up with u all tho, just havent had it in me to comment. sounds selfish im sorry but i have been really bad lately. been bingeing mor then not (tonight is the 5th day in a row:(). dont kno wat to do anymore. not even my trackpants fit me! its not really about weight tho anymore, i just want to feel good again. my tummy looks like im 6 months pregnant, so flabby it sticks out so much, and i cant suck it in anymore either. my skin is horrible, pimples, and my face is puffy and bloated. i cant take this anymore. i start out alrigth then at night it gets to much. i want to go out and meet ppl but i wont until i stop bingeing, but i never stop bingeing!

also iv started cutting myself of from friends, which just depresses me even more and makes it all worse, but i feel so gross and ugly around them all atm, like i cant hav friends unless i look good. fucked up

just feel so lost and am honest to god completly sick of food and eating. i feel so disgusted, that i continue punishing my body like this. i have tried planning my meals, not planning my meals, letting myself eat what io want and eating 'clean' and nothing is working. no matter what i binge. i kno a big part is im bored with my life and need a change, but im working on that (lookin for a new job, moving out of home etc). i think thp im also scared to start 'living'... thats why i keep eating. maybe i should just do the things im planning to do wen i lose weight, do them now instead of waiting? and then hopefully i will stop having such a big problem with binge eating.

i just feel like giving up tho, stop keeping a fd, eat only wen i have to(ie make food/meals my last priority) and exercise....or maybe i need a meal plan??

i just had a long binge and now my tummy is swollen, again!

i keep telling myself in order to feel/look better then i just hav to stop but its sososososo hard, as u all kno

like i said before i dont necessarily want to lose weight, i just want to feel better. i cant grasp why it is so hard for me to treat myself right/ good/ the way i deserve to be treated!!!

well, thats my ramble. hope ur all well

xx

also, need to start regular exercise again, been five days!!!