Journal

tonight i had the biggest binge i have had for a long time. lots of artificial food too. thats it iv had enough. i am sick of being controlled by food and how fat and ugly i feel all the time. i couldve gone out tonight and i shouldve but i didnt cos once again i ate waaaay too much, (and still am). so instead of enjoying myself in town with my friends i am, sitting here once again stuffing myself to oblivion and nausea and hating myself for it. i could feel it coming where i would finally have enough and tonight is it. if i didnt eat so much then i couldve gone out. but i thought fuck it, its late and noone wants to do anything, ill just binge. then my friend called and said she was heading out and i want to go too. but i binged.

thats what i mean when i say food is holding me back. i want to be able to what i want when i want and feel good. be ready for anything.

 so fuck this. no more. i dont recognise myself anymore.

iv gained so much weight and bingeing is making me a nasty person. for the past four days i binged and have had constant tummy pains and im so bloated. really heavy and i just dont feel like me anymore.... we have to beat this, i have to beat this

forget to write before, but it feels like my mind and body cant take anymore and wants to move on, i can feel its time for change (another words i dont need to or want to binge anymore) yet i just cant stop, like someone else is in control wen it comes down to it. so frustrating!! i can feel now that i am strong enough to move on and i really honestly do not want to use food like that anymore (iv never felt that before) but why do i keep doing it then!??

i am so close to just saying fuck u to food and food diary and plans, and jusat eating what i want (which is usually healthy food anyway) when i am hungry and thats it! start focusing on ohtewr things. i think i need to go out more, clubs and also see my frineds and other places like art class and dance class and the gym (wanted to do this for ages!)

im just sick of putting myself down and feeling like shit all the time. always comparing.... and being stuck in this cycle. im sick of caring bout food so much, my life revovling sround foodfoodfood!! all ive been doing the past couple months is fucking eating, working, coming home, eating/bingeing and hating myself. cant live like this anymore, every day is the same as the last

ok, now im done!

hey!! havent written for a looooooooong long time. been keeping up with u all tho, just havent had it in me to comment. sounds selfish im sorry but i have been really bad lately. been bingeing mor then not (tonight is the 5th day in a row:(). dont kno wat to do anymore. not even my trackpants fit me! its not really about weight tho anymore, i just want to feel good again. my tummy looks like im 6 months pregnant, so flabby it sticks out so much, and i cant suck it in anymore either. my skin is horrible, pimples, and my face is puffy and bloated. i cant take this anymore. i start out alrigth then at night it gets to much. i want to go out and meet ppl but i wont until i stop bingeing, but i never stop bingeing!

also iv started cutting myself of from friends, which just depresses me even more and makes it all worse, but i feel so gross and ugly around them all atm, like i cant hav friends unless i look good. fucked up

just feel so lost and am honest to god completly sick of food and eating. i feel so disgusted, that i continue punishing my body like this. i have tried planning my meals, not planning my meals, letting myself eat what io want and eating 'clean' and nothing is working. no matter what i binge. i kno a big part is im bored with my life and need a change, but im working on that (lookin for a new job, moving out of home etc). i think thp im also scared to start 'living'... thats why i keep eating. maybe i should just do the things im planning to do wen i lose weight, do them now instead of waiting? and then hopefully i will stop having such a big problem with binge eating.

i just feel like giving up tho, stop keeping a fd, eat only wen i have to(ie make food/meals my last priority) and exercise....or maybe i need a meal plan??

i just had a long binge and now my tummy is swollen, again!

i keep telling myself in order to feel/look better then i just hav to stop but its sososososo hard, as u all kno

like i said before i dont necessarily want to lose weight, i just want to feel better. i cant grasp why it is so hard for me to treat myself right/ good/ the way i deserve to be treated!!!

well, thats my ramble. hope ur all well

xx

also, need to start regular exercise again, been five days!!!